tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60454992731862270072011-12-19T13:28:59.791-07:00My story of addiction, loss, suicide, bi-polar depression, abuse, love, hope, and life, not necessarily in that order.Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.comBlogger1111100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-67148351191279978152011-11-03T21:32:00.000-07:002011-11-03T21:32:45.192-07:00

Yes you read that right and I am talking about myself! The fading ups and the lingering dreaded downs of the pain pills consumed me and I had to ask for help. I went to a mental hospital- the one that my son has been to- and they sent me to the ER to get medically cleared with the assumption I was returning. That didn't happen. it was determined that I needed a medical detox from the pain pills,

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-86439876959232332662011-10-08T22:11:00.001-07:002011-10-08T22:27:31.468-07:00

I feel hopeless today. It is a horrible day. Well I feel horrible anyway. It should be a great day. I am taking Victorya to celebrate her upcoming 4th birthday at the Circus! Yay!! WEE!!! THE CIRCUS! ...nope not exactly. I am overwhelmed by so much internal chaos and anxiety, and I feel very depressed. I couldn't get up with Victorya early this morning. I kept her in bed with me watching

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-40439457776563885932011-10-05T13:05:00.000-07:002011-10-05T13:05:00.431-07:00

I have been doing some thinking today about this blog and about what should go here. I started this initially because I wanted to share my recovery from my addiction to meth and needed a place where I could be open and honest about my mistakes. My bipolar has always been a present theme because, well... because I am bipolar! I kind of fell into the community of parents of addicts and nestled in

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-63624326609734642462011-10-03T12:33:00.000-07:002011-10-03T12:33:42.887-07:00

I am devastated and concerned. Destin has admitted he is smoking weed again. I am sure that is the reason for his depression. Best case scenario he has switched to a depressed state of his bipolar and the marijuana is making it worse. What can I do? I want to lock him up and never let him out, but I know I can't do that. I am so torn up inside. I know what it feels like to be mentally ill and

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-9066954933038652392011-10-01T16:20:00.000-07:002011-10-01T16:20:18.301-07:00

I want answers that I am going to have to get for myself: being a parent is really hard. What do I do? I am asking myself and my husband that all the time. Do I play endless taxi? Do I give them $? Do I let them spend the night? Have friends spend the night here? Go to the mall? Skate City? Take a nap? Wait to do homework or chores until later? Get on facebook or youtube? Hang out? My anxiety

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-84303892430265069462011-09-29T20:56:00.000-07:002011-09-29T20:56:29.383-07:00

More pills! Sigh! I went to the Dr. today and I think he is just as confused as I am as to what is causing my anxiety. I must admit I am thankful he only makes minor adjustments or little tweaks of my meds at a time rather than changing the whole regimen at once. I did officially quit the Nurse practitioner that only spent 5 minutes with me. She was very rude when the subject of me seeing another

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-24312803926029620552011-09-23T13:24:00.000-07:002011-09-23T13:24:42.053-07:00

DUN DUN DUN!!!!! Well it is the title of my blog and perhaps a reader or two has found themselves wondering "What the HELL is she talking about?" I do not know how to live in "normal." Every time I have attempted to medicate my bipolar illness, it has become such a huge failure that I go running back to the safe and familiar arms of my insanity. My insanity is having exciting manic phases where

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-4037372016640378692011-09-02T09:23:00.000-07:002011-09-02T09:23:33.580-07:00

I am at an all time low and it feels like my only 2 companions lately are hopelessness and despair. I do not know how I am supposed to make it out of this place. It is so up and down. When it is down it feels like it will never be better again and when it is up, it feels like it can never go so low again. The problem is that it hasn't been going up and the anxiety, worry, and even panic, are

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-77584579234539568272011-08-28T12:20:00.000-07:002011-08-28T12:20:09.418-07:00

Some days I am up, some days I am down. Some moments I am up, some moments I am down. I think we can all say that at some times. What makes it so different for someone who is bipolar? I am asking myself this question, but I am working harder on the answer. Some things that I know: Addiction loves mental illness. The wrong meds make the wrong addiction that much more appealing. Self medicating

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-88628030333625259632011-08-27T11:33:00.000-07:002011-08-27T11:33:10.127-07:00

I am still having such a hard time getting through every damn day. Hell some minutes are unbearable. What IS going on? I have never felt this bad before over such an extended period of time. I KNOW I have had better times. I KNOW I have felt joy in my life. Why not now? I have intruding thoughts of failure ALL the time. I am 2 damn classes away from my degree, yet I can't believe that I can

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-37447146796004845452011-08-26T08:32:00.000-07:002011-08-26T08:32:55.219-07:00

It is a new day with new challenges. I am getting better at facing each day... I think. I have some sense of normalcy with taking classes, but also a sense of being overwhelmed. Life is such a roller coaster, but I am learning that after every uphill there is always a downhill, and it will be that way until I take my last breath. It will never be just uphill. I really should be here everyday,

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-34912466793734941322011-08-17T14:31:00.000-07:002011-08-17T14:31:06.064-07:00

I am sad and mad and my fight or flight is always raring to go. I have opinions directed at me from every which direction, either from what is said or unsaid. I am in the middle of trying to find quality care for my health, both physical and mental, and I feel like I am self diagnosing because I can't find a Dr. who can take some actual time and do their job. Some people know, others don't, but

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-67378520051953409882011-07-09T13:32:00.001-07:002011-08-26T09:28:23.534-07:00

Those are the words that most friends and families would love to hear from the person in their life who has an addiction problem. Those are the words I should have said 5 years ago. The sad thing is, there was no one who cared enough to implement that kind of help. I watch the show "Intervention" because it helps remind me of the place I was when we were using, BUT I have to admit I feel a

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-47934510809066939552011-07-06T14:20:00.000-07:002011-07-06T14:20:32.375-07:00

Something I can live without is weed. I know that sooooo many people really love this drug, but it just never worked for me. It makes me soooooo paranoid and freaks me out about everything. I wish I could make it work for me sometimes. My Dr's don't seem to have a problem keeping me hooked on narcotic pain medications, which I am sure have their own share of harm. If I could get my license (for

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-58071179930308485342011-06-17T19:04:00.000-07:002011-06-17T19:04:28.120-07:00

I didn't try this like you try to lose weight, or like you try giving up something for lent. I was forced to try to live without my kids. I will never know who the coward is that called social services. There were actually some things going on that warranted some help from social services, but no one came forward and offered to help, and almost everyone we knew was doing the worst of the stuff

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-1348681583378809832011-06-16T10:16:00.000-07:002011-06-16T10:16:18.593-07:00

Dear Dad, As an adult, I can now call you Dad without cringing. It is more because of hard work and forgiveness on my part. You are making small strides at being a decent person, son, brother, father, and grandfather. It wasn't always this way. When I was really small, I have one memory of being in your physical presence. We were at a hotel and I was on the bed, still in diapers. You were there

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-3550349817829585462011-05-25T11:58:00.005-07:002011-06-16T09:08:54.436-07:00

I don't know who the letter is supposed to be to.... the band? Just seems weird. So like everything else in my world, I am going to take this post and make it mine and just write about a few specific songs that got me through some tough times. There are many so I am going to limit myself to three. The first song is "Lean on Me,"  and not the older version by Bill Withers, but the remake by

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-87096400637660712042011-05-25T08:39:00.000-07:002011-05-25T08:39:17.258-07:00

I must apologize for the sudden halt to my 30 Days of Truth. A lot of things going on, and well, when you have three kids you just never know what could happen. This weekend, I initiated a last minute BBQ with my Dad. He asked that we come to his house. My brother and his wife were there, along with their 2 year old son. I had all 3 of my kids with me, which is unusual now that the older two

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-83189108186381705232011-05-19T23:05:00.000-07:002011-05-19T23:05:11.572-07:00

Something that I never get compliments on is having cute clothes. When I was really fat, I had a very very large wardrobe, no pun intended. I was the same size for many years - a 28 in womens, which was the largest size you could get in stores. I might also mention that the 28s at Walmart and Target run small, and I could only fit in the clothes at Lane Bryant or Torrid. ANYWAY, for several of

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-76762800578488695492011-05-18T23:10:00.000-07:002011-05-18T23:10:32.118-07:00

Okay really? Who wants to answer this? Ok, Shawna, think *challenge* think *truth* think *quit whining and do it* Well here I am after some self talk, and hmmm, something people compliment me on the most? I want to say people compliment me the most on how cute, smart, well behaved, and well mannered my 3 year old Victorya is, but I think I will have to give her the credit of being the one

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-39654798568940455682011-05-17T22:42:00.000-07:002011-05-17T22:42:49.394-07:00

The key word on this one is or. I don't wish I didn't know her, at least not all the time, but I do need to let her go. The person I am talking about is Bryson's younger sister. She is the baby out of his mother's children. She has no children of her own. She was the sister I never had, for quite a while. She is my daughter's favorite aunt. She is about 10 years younger than me. Since I am not

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-42367342453860818152011-05-15T22:13:00.002-07:002011-05-15T22:52:32.043-07:00

I don't know for sure what this post is supposed to mean, but my best guess would be that it refers to someone you are in love with. I tried to imagine it could mean a friend, but I don't see my friends as someone to ever let go of, you may lose touch but the friendship remains. I tried to just look at the literal words.... which are "someone you didn't want to let go"  .... does it mean you

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-64586206214431378752011-05-14T12:12:00.001-07:002011-05-15T22:15:07.551-07:00

Oh the scores of people I could choose for this topic! It is quite sickening when I think about it. There are the 2 exes who were pretty bad. One was a cheater, and closet drug user. The other one was a lying stealing bum who went so low as to steal from my son's piggy bank. The thing is, I have to take a lot of the responsibility for allowing them in my life for so long. Oh the days of low

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-29520347257212263152011-05-10T12:04:00.000-07:002011-05-10T12:04:46.346-07:00

I interrupt the regularly scheduled (and late again because now I am sick) Day of Truth post, with this announcement from ME! THIS IS MY 100th POST!!!!! I started this blog back in August of '09. I can't believe it has been almost 2 years. This blog really came to life in the beginning. Like anything that I do, I usually do it to death right away. I networked like crazy and found myself in a

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-21069622634948583972011-05-08T23:44:00.001-07:002011-05-10T10:34:53.226-07:00

There are a lot of someones who have or do make my life worth living. I am so lucky to be able to say that at my darkest hour, there was someone there to provide a light to help me see life is worth living. I am also privileged to have people to share both the sunshine and the rain in my life with. To pick just one someone is a difficult task. There are obvious people like my children, who

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-14299688514277446762011-05-07T08:36:00.001-07:002011-05-07T08:36:54.015-07:00

There are a lot of things that cross my mind. Some of them are gross and some of them emotional. If you know me, you know I am full of emotion. It is only fitting for me that I choose the subject nearest and dearest to my heart. I hope I never have to bury my children, unless its for fun at a beach. I think this one is pretty self explanatory.

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-84656070926771833362011-05-06T23:39:00.000-07:002011-05-06T23:39:49.997-07:00

I hope to give back all that has been given to me, emotionally and spiritually. I have never been someone who could keep just a job, or think about having a career. I have always thought in terms of having a purpose. Right now being a mother is purposeful enough to sustain me, but my kids will not always need me so much, and then I will need to find other outlets for my time and energy. I have

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-71206947286981798052011-05-06T01:07:00.000-07:002011-05-06T01:07:42.536-07:00

(I apologize for posting late, I had to take my daughter to the ER) I need to forgive my step-grandma for taking my grandpa's life insurance money and for making me and my kids move out of his house (among other things). This is an emotionally weighted subject, and in all honesty, it is really hard for me to post this out in the open. I am challenging myself in my writing and in my life

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-7137315756029976522011-05-04T14:35:00.000-07:002011-05-04T14:35:35.100-07:00

I need to forgive myself for getting into a position where Child Protective Services removed my children from my care. I made a lot of mistakes. The progression from abusing pain medications, to using some speed at the bar on weekends, to smoking ice (meth), was not intentional or deliberate. No one sits around pondering their life and says, "Yep I want to be an addict." What was intentional

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-66830390622495147482011-05-03T11:09:00.003-07:002011-05-04T11:40:12.267-07:00

My determination and strength. If I make up my mind that something is going to happen, then watch out! Do I change my mind a lot? YES! but I always do so after a lot of thought and consideration. There is always an amazing amount of determination to all of my intentions.... whether I intend to procrastinate or intend to transform a whole room, if I intend to make a change or if I demand that I

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-57476148741566515372011-05-02T23:18:00.003-07:002011-05-04T11:40:59.176-07:00

I do not live enough of my life for me. I spend a lot of time suffering in silence... wishing for more "me" time... wishing I had an identity that was more my own. I have too much empathy and put myself in other people's shoes all the time. Then I take a step further and think it is my responsibility to keep everyone happy.  Yes, part of it is just what mothers do, but for me it is far far far

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-4810689725296896522011-05-01T23:22:00.001-07:002011-05-07T08:17:23.497-07:00

coming to my blog starting tomorrow. Here is the list in case any of you would like to join me: Day 01 -> Something you hate about yourself. Day 02 -> Something you love about yourself. Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for. Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for. Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life. Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do. Day 07 →

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-60605216988444257832011-05-01T18:11:00.000-07:002011-05-01T18:11:41.702-07:00

... but it does make a lot of noise! My mind that is. I am in medication hell. Who knew that starting a simple med 6 months ago would send my life in a tail spin? "No regrets," is what mind keeps saying, because after all, regret is not going to help me now. I do have the medication to thank for my quitting drinking. I thought I had just outgrown it and my "phase" was over, but the medication

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-39211738799522668982011-03-18T23:23:00.000-07:002011-03-18T23:23:39.104-07:00

My blog doesn't always speak directly about why it was created... for me to highlight how I live life with a mental or mood disorder. Now I am realizing that anything I write relates to my mental illness because whether it is being managed or medicated, IT is always present. It is wreaking havoc on me today... and yesterday for that matter. I am starting to see that even though I claim to have

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-23160602649241679702011-03-15T13:35:00.001-07:002011-03-15T15:50:04.837-07:00

If you have been here before, it is likely that you know that I take very seriously the task of defining myself. I come from a colorful background, one that could have easily painted the picture for my future. If I were to be defined by my past, I doubt there would be an inch of available space on the canvas of my life. I believe that one of my strengths has been the ability to draw on my past

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-28734409587937684162011-03-11T15:50:00.000-07:002011-03-11T15:50:20.223-07:00

My life has been a whirlwind of change in past months. Giving up daily drinking binges was an amazing turning point for me. I had been using the alcohol to express myself. I had to learn who I really was again. I was existing in my emotional sub conscience every day. It took some serious getting used to; to get comfortable being sober was not an overnight feat. I still drink for social occasions.

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-44154548163003341412010-11-13T13:32:00.000-07:002010-11-13T13:32:05.624-07:00

I would call Thomas and talk to him about the daily struggles his kids are facing. I would ask him for advice on dealing with his son's anxiety, because he, too, struggled with panic attacks and general anxiety. I could ask him to talk to Destin, and let him know he really isn't having a heart attack every time he has a panic attack. I would ask him what punishments he thinks are appropriate

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-4610937430313116922010-10-22T20:39:00.001-07:002011-03-15T16:09:29.960-07:00

I am so many things. A woman, mother, survivor. My life has had so many experiences and it is mottled by so many stereotypically "bad" things. Today for the first time I have realized that long ago, I mastered defining myself. Is the definition complete? Of course not. Do you see me as I see myself? Probably not. Take for instance, one recent aspect of my life... my chronic binge drinking. Do I

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-39204644113210525522010-10-19T14:16:00.000-07:002010-10-19T14:16:35.780-07:00

... actually I just wasn't telling the whole truth. Over the last couple of months I haven't even thought of writing. Why? The events of my life have been too chaotic and have taken up all of my energy. I am on a new path of self discovery, but it is only after I confess something, that I can feel that this new path can begin here. So here it is.... since before I even began this blog, I was an

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-55825088555792163172010-07-19T13:53:00.001-07:002010-09-05T11:09:11.181-07:00

My head is swirling with thoughts and ideas. I haven't found where I want to be in life, but somehow, I feel for me, that when I have, that will actually be when my life is literally over. Everyday I have a new idea, new insights, and new passions that guide me. I ALWAYS have more questions than answers. I have a semi-conscious voice that reminds me of what I "should be" doing on a regular

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-29448018377685324552010-06-25T16:02:00.001-07:002010-06-30T22:00:48.751-07:00

Unfortunately I am not referring to a suicide that took place 12 years ago. On June 19th, a beautiful 12 year old girl that is a part of my extended family, succumbed to the injuries she suffered days earlier, when she hung herself and her mother found her unconscious and nearly dead. This has hit me on so many levels and I can't seem to push through it. For one, my son is 12. I cannot imagine

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-46095873106553960422010-05-12T13:39:00.000-07:002010-05-12T13:39:53.939-07:00

sometimes leaves my journey clouded and me disoriented. It is utterly astounding to me how the events around you can truly affect your own path. I wish I had more positivity to report. As some of you may remember from past posts, Bryson's Uncle P, who was our past drug dealer and partner in crime, got paroled to our house. He had continued on the forgery and meth addiction path for a good time

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-56546730054410298442010-04-15T14:32:00.000-07:002010-04-15T14:32:10.743-07:00

I have become increasingly aware of how the blogging world changes for us all. To me it reminds me of song and dance. Sometimes we are feeling at our best and we can dance all night long, so caught up in the moment, we hardly notice how the night just flew by. Sometimes we aren't in the mood or we tire too easily, and so we have to sit a few songs out. Some people decide that going out dancing

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-40574417187047104062010-04-07T14:27:00.001-07:002010-04-07T14:27:32.904-07:00

I have not felt like writing and have been feeling pretty busy and unmotivated lately. I think we are still recovering from spring break with all 3 kids home all day. We are still adjusting to my husband's schedule working days after 3 years of him working nights. The weather has ranged from blizzards to 80 degree days, and back, several times in the past few weeks. We have had car troubles and I

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-19218216195272041452010-03-22T19:31:00.000-07:002010-03-22T19:31:10.641-07:00

.... my newest addition....  Acute Verbal Sabbatical

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-3925686508856853692010-03-21T20:28:00.000-07:002010-03-21T20:28:01.609-07:00

I'm not in the right place to continue my last series of posts just yet. It is a genuine place of existence that deserves to be portrayed in my coherent reality of that time. Although I have healed, and my broken heart has been repaired, the feelings of visiting that broken heart cannot be endured on a continuous basis. Amazingly so, sharing the birth and death of two chapters in my life has

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-5871453753126428822010-03-16T23:50:00.005-07:002010-03-17T06:05:59.192-07:00

I stayed a week in the hospital. It was a full blown kidney infection. We decided to do the amniocentesis. I mostly wanted to know she  was really a she. Selfish 13 year old that I was. The ultrasound techs could not find my kidney. Still. The contractions stopped. I was sent home and expected back in school the next day. I showed up, but I did not feel good. I went to the asst. principle's

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-80838747798567805932010-03-12T16:53:00.002-07:002010-03-12T19:55:41.655-07:00

Summer school came to an end. The long hot summer days were growing shorter and my belly was growing. I was feeling her move now. Despite all of the commotion in the world around us, I was doing everything to keep her safe. I was not going to be selfish right now. I had been politely told that I could not continue my education at my Lutheran high school, now that I was showing. I would need to

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-64379209297341741722010-03-11T01:25:00.001-07:002010-03-12T14:07:30.249-07:00

(If you are in a place where you can listen to my playlist, you will here the song that corresponds with the following lyrics) YOU You It's for you Only you It's for you I'll never know I'll never care I'll never believe my people I'll tell you what I say I'll never lie I'll never try I'll never cry for you people I'll push you Push you away As you lonely people Keep on running around my

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-19884066573910792752010-03-09T22:52:00.000-07:002010-03-09T22:52:11.438-07:00

I am much calmer today. I am finally recovering from a serious hang over. I am not perfect. A whole lot of anger, induced by sleep deprivation, mixed with a whole lot of wine and an emotional conversation with a girlfriend, can sure stir up some deep seated insecurities. I was caught up in purely my own suffering and oblivious to Bryson's own need to sleep to go to work. I felt like what I

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-6418227998000517902010-03-09T03:15:00.000-07:002010-03-09T03:15:38.534-07:00

Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. -Sun Tzu Just when I thought my best friend would show up. Just when I thought I was not alone in the universe... and I thought HE would be here... I was met with the hardest words I could hear from someone, especially Him. "What do you want ME to do? It is not MY fault YOU can't sleep, YOU are crazy!" He who sleeps peacefully,

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-43913529842741862332010-03-09T02:32:00.005-07:002010-03-09T13:47:14.091-07:00

Insomnia, I am done being nice. I fucking hate you. You are unwelcome. My best friend, sleep, is your nemesis, and I refuse to take your side. Real friends have given me weapons that your sneaky ass is demolishing. Breathing, and meditation, (maybe even misinterpreted as mediation), and even my non-religious prayer; all close friends of mine; introduced by many trusted allies, and widely

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-84210492139057751492010-03-06T16:38:00.000-07:002010-03-06T16:38:53.236-07:00

It seems to me that I am unequivocally being affected by the laws of physics. Getting to sleep has been a nightmare. Getting out of bed equally as frightening. I have been using Tylenol PM and it slowly gets me to sleep and gives me about 3 hours. From that point on, I suffer through countless periods of semi-conscious racing thoughts mixed with brief periods of sleeping with lucid dreams. By

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-12311813038024196002010-03-03T14:13:00.000-07:002010-03-03T14:13:01.805-07:00

my kidsHear No Evil (Destin) See No Evil (Victorya) Speak No Evil (Aliviya)tattoo on my left arm

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-86059460843076124332010-02-28T01:44:00.002-07:002010-02-28T02:02:45.792-07:00

I am still here. Darkness encompasses me. I welcome the privilege of feeling. Once upon a time: was not a story. It was the beginning. Open to interpretation. Numb-ale. That which can be numbed. I choose feeling. Hard, hurt, dark, mad , undesirable. OPEN TO INTERPRATATION. Triumph, healed, light, happy, desireable.... Here I am....

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-27176523065008456032010-02-27T01:06:00.000-07:002010-02-27T01:06:14.187-07:00

Prison gates won't open up for me On these hands and knees I'm crawlin' Oh, I reach for you Well I'm terrified of these four walls These iron bars can't hold my soul in All I need is you Come please I'm callin' And oh I scream for you Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin' [Chorus:] Show me what it's like To be the last one standing And teach me wrong from right And I'll show you what I can be Say it

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-29482180584217065322010-02-26T11:31:00.000-07:002010-02-26T11:31:55.161-07:00

Darkness is coming for me. I cannot tell as of yet if it is just one of those days, or if it is one of those times when darkness comes and tries to take me to that place.  It has been lingering... grasping at me, despite emotional defenses being armed. Every time I have an emotional turnover that really impacts my well being, I always consider if it is severe enough to merit a visit to the Dr.

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-52770981360575643372010-02-22T19:46:00.000-07:002010-02-22T19:46:44.909-07:00

A collaboration of subjects on several other blogs got me thinking, well more accurately, remembering. For those of you that may not know, I have breast implants. I had gastric bypass surgery 6 years ago and proceeded to lose 140 lbs in less than a year. I was a hanging, saggy, mess of skin and bones. I wanted and needed reconstructive surgery. I did not need the breast implants, but I wanted

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-34720874014436511762010-02-14T20:13:00.003-07:002010-02-15T12:00:41.151-07:00

As I was reading Lou's post here, it brought back a lot of memories. Actually, they are fond memories. Ahhh, the familiarity of that long hard road back into living in sobriety from living in addiction. Some of my fondest memories and most serene moments were when I was facing a hardship that was at one time unimaginable. For example, the second time I had to go back to jail because of a

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-74637124497920609802010-02-11T04:47:00.000-07:002010-02-11T04:47:34.324-07:00

I cannot define you here and you are not worth the words that are hurting me and lacking me RIGHT NOW.  I have decided to leave you behind and choose forgiveness and growth. I need serenity! "I believe"

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-79134746378492114212010-02-11T03:57:00.001-07:002010-02-11T04:09:33.872-07:00

Sometimes... Sometimes I pretend like my childhood didn't hurt  so much. Sometimes I forgive things I don't understand, but I pretend like it is my choice.It is easier if I take responsibility. I can NOW depend on ME. I talk so often of my Grandfather- the single source of light that I claim. I realize the work that was put into his creation, existence, and aftermath. The very pain, negligence,

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-83621525035899749442010-02-07T00:07:00.000-07:002010-02-07T00:07:20.846-07:00

I haven't been around for much in terms of the blog world. It took me all day to catch up on all the blogs I love, but I just didn't have the energy to comment. Sorry. We got our tax return and I have been busy catching up on bills, buying long desired things, and well honestly... just being worn out by so many THINGS. I also got a much needed break from my mischievous much loved, beautiful

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-50493808799578758792010-01-30T21:43:00.006-07:002010-02-02T23:50:59.943-07:00

Wow I cannot help but to be smitten with all of these wonderful awards!!!! It really is a great feeling to get recognition and feel appreciated within a community of such exceptionally talented writers. It is equally as delightful to pass on the awards and give opportunity for new faces to show up on new blogs, creating new connections. It feels so nice to  be able to show appreciation to the

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-12116797104968058582010-01-25T15:56:00.004-07:002010-01-30T20:00:43.156-07:00

So I said I would be working on my list and accomplishing one thing per day. Can you stand it? My list is already dwindling away and I am going to have to create a new one of things I want to do instead of things I need  to do! So without further adieu.... the next thing on my list.... accepting SOME VERY SPECIAL AWARDS! A month ago I was given the From me to You award by Gavin at Insanity's

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-41020435490274088962010-01-19T15:41:00.005-07:002010-01-30T20:03:33.807-07:00

and a lot of great input from all of you, I have come to some conclusions. I cannot solve every problem right now. I will never solve every problem. For each one that I solve, a new one will be created, maybe even 10 new ones. I read about an experience that Brittany at Unexpected Surprises is in the middle of at this point in her life as a young mother.  It reminded me of some very important

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-7206772175199477182010-01-16T20:40:00.001-07:002010-01-30T20:03:08.754-07:00

warning: random and erratic babbling and venting ahead I just need to talk. In my life I am always the go to gal. Friends and family call me for advice, with questions, and when they need to talk. My own attitude of "If it can be done, then I can do it," carries over into every relationship I have, and people are aware that I am really good at solving problems. When it comes time to solving my

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-76901808112776895822010-01-12T14:59:00.001-07:002010-01-30T20:04:00.665-07:00

There are some people who will never know the complete value of simply existing. I do not know the author of this, but it gives some real perspective to me on the value of things that are often taken for granted. To realize the value of a sister, ask someone who doesn't have one.To realize the value of ten years, ask a newly divorced couple.To realize the value of four years, ask a

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-43412226885646567202010-01-10T12:16:00.003-07:002010-01-30T20:04:32.812-07:00

I was lost in my way, as usual, and looking for love.  I was in determined pursuit to create the family death had stolen from me. I was 17 years old and drinking away the denial of my first failed marriage. My husband had chosen sexcapades and cocaine over me. I couldn't give myself permission to hide my pain in street drugs, thanks to the previous premonitions of my Mother’s suicide. Alcohol

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-74076936130036856982010-01-04T17:21:00.002-07:002010-01-30T20:04:42.603-07:00

When Susan posted up some accountability in Here I Am, it conjured up a lot of ideas for me about why people chose to write and where fear from judgement comes from. Susan went on to address it in another post here. She brought up something that I really had not considered, as did Jennifer in her post Unresisted Thoughts Post 9... Loyalty where loyalty is undeserved and Judgement.  Do we

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-44837592093923920512010-01-01T19:10:00.000-07:002010-01-30T20:05:07.965-07:00

Discontentment is my weakest state of being. I am most vulnerable to all of my demons and quickly reminded of times when I let them control me. This awareness used to invoke fear, which snowballed into failure. Discontentment was the perfect excuse for continuing my addiction, taking back my abusive ex, binge eating, binge drinking, spending money I didn't have on my appearance or material 

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-63732327321630409342009-12-26T18:50:00.003-07:002010-01-30T20:05:24.608-07:00

I am feeling disconnected and a little isolated. It is okay, it is some much needed time for reflection, and for me to reconnect with my own values. We will be moving in two days, and with it comes some stress. We are completely transitional right now. Half at each place. Nothing tied up, nothing complete. I am so thankful we had somewhere away from both places to spend Christmas. It was

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-57607878931758316412009-12-23T17:48:00.000-07:002010-01-30T20:05:32.045-07:00

Last night I was left in an awkward situation. Me and Bryson and my 11 and 9 year old were at Bryson's cousin's house. Our 2 year old was with Bryson's sister (we are in the middle of moving and half at each house and settled nowhere). His cousin is in his early 30's and has a 7 year old daughter that he has primary custody of. I will call his cousin K and I will call his daughter J. J's mom

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-53662183665649221702009-12-17T17:09:00.002-07:002010-01-30T20:07:13.319-07:00

Sometimes I feel like this... Right isn't always easy. I am not sure what exactly created the complex of people pleasing that littered my existence for 20 or so years. That complex walked side by side with self entitlement as well as lack of self accountability. How did I develop such unhealthy perceptions about myself and others? Since when was everyone supposed to make me happy and fix

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-38501443509860871252009-12-12T00:09:00.001-07:002009-12-12T00:37:55.899-07:00

Seems I have a lot of explaining to do! The roller coaster I ride called "My Life" always has something new for me. It is never the same ride, always a new hill to climb, then a great thrill around the corner, maybe even some moments of sheer terror, and of course the free fall adrenaline rush of making it over the hill. There is one big difference in "My Life" present, than in past. All

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-5661486539247645972009-12-09T17:56:00.002-07:002009-12-09T18:04:05.389-07:00

Last night I was taken to the Emergency Room by ambulance. I do not know what happened and neither do they. Lovely. I was suddenly struck with the most intense pain in my upper stomach. I was immediately doubled over, screaming and crying. They got here in minutes, but it felt like hours. The bumpy ride to the hospital was torturous as well.What a spectacle to be put into an ambulance screaming

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-43173484082698034552009-12-07T21:37:00.001-07:002009-12-07T21:43:45.773-07:00

(Trigger Warning~ this is a warning that is very raw as it relates to drug use and suicide) This is the most painful and frightening of all of my ghostly experiences. Tonight a talk dark demonic type apparition, pulls me suddenly from my slumber, and throws me through my bedroom wall. When I open my eyes I see no one, no thing, it is dark. I feel his cold ugly breath upon me. I hear the

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-67214782931100606392009-12-06T14:44:00.004-07:002010-01-30T20:08:54.997-07:00

Of course I no longer use crystal meth, and so this is my version of what I think my present would be like if I had not stopped using. "Ghost of Tweaker Present" Even though I am still shaken from last night's visit, it does not deter the spirits that be from pursuing me. In my thought riddled state of half sleep, I am fully awakened by the ghost of the present, flying feverishly

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-67588756674203552122009-12-05T23:06:00.007-07:002010-01-30T20:08:30.439-07:00

I have decided to challenge myself to something very real. At this time of year we are filled with glee and joy, sad and hurt of what it "should be," or a mixture of both. My friend xxx at SPIRIT IS MY DRUG just took this amazing journey, as did Ebenezer Scrooge in his own life,  and I think it will help me. I would also like to challenge anyone here, as it so applies to your condition ( sex,

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-70176009533252881102009-12-03T11:00:00.000-07:002009-12-03T11:00:30.878-07:00

I have so much going on in my mind right now. I just want to get inside and yell, "Can you SHUT UP so I can hear myself think?!?!" I have learned that the best way for me to quiet my fighting inner voices is through expression. It doesn't always have to be writing, but tonight it does. I need this. Until everyone in my head can settle down and listen and focus, this might be all over the

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-76003009171423317752009-11-25T20:05:00.000-07:002009-11-25T20:05:38.715-07:00

I have been away from home and the computer for a few days. My husband's cousin is moving and we stayed a couple of nights with him helping, hanging out, and checking out the amenity's at his new place. Indoor pool and steam room, HELLO! It was a nice break and now we will be taking another break for the Holiday tomorrow.  I am still catching up on all of my reading. I did want to take a moment

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-74771951460921285042009-11-20T19:14:00.009-07:002010-01-30T20:02:31.010-07:00

Following in the footsteps of Susan who took upon herself the challenge set forth by Lori of writing her younger self a letter, I am here to attempt my own. I am a little afraid because I do not venture back so much anymore, but after seeing before my eyes, the very nature of writing's therapeutic essence, I am going to give it a try. I felt that the time when I most needed a letter was when I

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-29012627215195069282009-11-18T22:56:00.002-07:002010-01-30T20:00:43.158-07:00

I received this award from Susan at Weaving A Life. I appreciate it so much... Thank You! The rules are as follows: 1. Thank whoever gave this to you 2. Copy award 3. Post it in your blog 4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know 5. Link 7 new bloggers 6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog 7. Keep being awesome! So 7 things you don't know about me. Wow I am too

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-9125852910089716382009-11-18T00:19:00.000-07:002010-01-30T20:17:11.068-07:00

This has been an alien 24 hour period for me. I really have not experienced anything so overpowering and dark in a long time. It was terrifying, but is slowly evolving into empowering. I am highly aware that meth has long term effects on people. I experience what I can describe as awakenings.  Its sudden "aha" moments where something seems to reconnect. At the height of my meth use, when it

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-3234618368317054812009-11-17T00:16:00.001-07:002010-01-30T20:17:34.360-07:00

Sometimes the sun just won't shine. I am having a very down day. I am already pulling out the depression tools from my handy little bipolar bag of artillery. Not sure if this is going to start my decent into an actual depression or if it is just one of those days.  My "to do" list is much bigger then my energy for doing. I am struggling with physical pain and insomnia.  I am being visited

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-72690588892709583232009-11-12T17:55:00.002-07:002009-11-12T18:20:12.748-07:00

Sometimes life is just hard. Questions come and answers hide. That is what it feels like to me anyway. Are they really hiding or am I just not looking. The last two days have presented a sort of epiphany, following atypical events in my life. The first event is that I took oxycontin. Did I use oxycontin? no. I was given 1 in the emergency room because a filling came out of my wisdom tooth

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-6750028335325094822009-11-12T00:27:00.001-07:002010-01-30T20:01:49.846-07:00

If My Daddy Knew… If he knew it would be the last time That he’d see me fall asleep,Would he tuck me in more tightly, And pray the Lord my soul to keep? If he knew it would be the last time That he’d see me walk out the door, Would he give me a hug and kiss, And call me back for  more? And if my Daddy knew he had to leaveand could never again see me smileI know he’d ask for one more minuteto

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-77027879251087493522009-11-07T22:26:00.000-07:002009-11-07T23:04:39.150-07:00

This is the day that I was finally convinced I could not take a moment more of my life. It was Thanksgiving Day. My grandpa, and the woman who I’ve come to know as my grandma since the death of my real grandma, had decided that there was no need for a traditional celebration, or any celebration for that matter. Besides, our oven didn’t even work so how could we cook a turkey? I had gotten used to

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-13311894113289868802009-11-07T19:07:00.001-07:002009-11-12T19:22:01.099-07:00

I am kind of in a complacent place in life. I am taking in more than I am producing. I feel like reading more than I feel like writing. I have periods of time in my life filled with all kinds of different writing.... journaling, poetry, stories, my book. I am going to share some different pieces through the next couple of posts. They represent me at very different emotional times, but almost

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-67320415710838761052009-11-03T23:15:00.000-07:002010-01-30T20:09:51.521-07:00

I just had my 31st birthday... or as I lovingly referred to it "the 10th anniversary of my 21st birthday." How did I get here? What does my age mean? What is expected of me now? I don't think I have any "normal" perception of aging or achievement. Two key people in my life died when I was very young- and as I now realize, so were they young- 26 and 55. In second grade, pretty much everyone is "

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-5546108567913118282009-10-29T13:52:00.000-07:002009-10-30T15:02:13.739-07:00

I have seen the words "life on life's terms" a lot lately. As I see it, this envelops surrendering a range of some or all of your control over aspects of your life, with the belief that there is an area completely out of reach and beyond control. Of course there are always factors beyond control, but those factors produce the ever present opportunity for choice.One of the hardest lessons I have

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-87043122478086509692009-10-26T19:56:00.000-07:002009-10-28T00:08:24.412-07:00

It has been more than 3, but less than 4 years that I have not used meth. I don't know exactly how long. I am not even sure of the day we got arrested. I used to obsess with remembering everything, knowing everything about any event in my life, having a point of reference for everything. Something so extreme snapped that day that I just looked forward and couldn't look back. I tell myself I am

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-53585779222332884822009-10-24T22:35:00.000-07:002009-10-26T11:56:23.472-07:00

I have a lot on my mind. I guess most people can say that most of the time. For me today has been especially challenging. My own morale challenges that of everyday living all of the time. When it constantly has to look in the face of the people that we are related to, it gets seriously imposed upon. The sad truth is that we have no parents. My mother died... my Dad is an alcoholic that has rarely

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-23313135390108339362009-10-22T19:18:00.000-07:002009-10-26T11:51:51.810-07:00

Wanting what I couldn't have developed into idolizing what I didn't know. Everything my mother was intrigued me. I was so little, but I knew too much. The truth is at seven years old, I really knew very little, but I already had seen so much. Every moment with my mother was like an emotional adventure. There were no guarantees and I never knew when I would see her next. The only promising sign

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-82410855032137343482009-10-21T15:37:00.001-07:002009-10-26T11:59:57.055-07:00

I know I asked something like, what if I just thought I might vomit words and you would see 3 blogs in one day? Well today this is 2 and 3 just might happen later. I know where all my thoughts are- I think. I just can't seem to find my words. I was so tired and was sure today would be a total wash. I found my way into the computer chair a few short hours after proclaiming my disgust with the

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-21458854660673996412009-10-21T09:05:00.000-07:002009-10-26T12:12:00.209-07:00

I will feel like being here. I will feel like gettin up early.I will feel like cleaning, organizing, getting ready.I will be rested and my body will feel normal .I will feel joy and contentment.The sun will shine and warm my heart...... another day.TodayI want to stay in bed.I am tired, worn, not recovered from being sick, and facing the monthly woes of being a woman.I am missing my 6th grader

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-54589870427012826302009-10-09T00:10:00.000-07:002009-10-26T12:12:18.192-07:00

It has been a challenging couple of days filled with stressful events, people moving in and out (literally), and some serious accusations outside of the family..... and blogging is not compatible with a 2 year old still up at 1:11 am asking for cereal followed by mommy snuggles in bed with her. Guess I will have to enjoy my midnight cheerios and some baby snuggles and come back later :)

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-90627383684370752532009-10-05T21:39:00.000-07:002009-10-24T09:51:29.725-07:00

Wow... so as if I didn't have enough thought coming into this... I tried to research the actual meaning behind these words that seem to be so key in my life.First, according to Merriam Webster online, the definition of influence:Main Entry: 1 Pronunciation: \ˈin-ˌflü-ən(t)s, especially Southern in-ˈ\Function: nounEtymology: Middle English, from Old French, from Medieval Latin influentia, from

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-17920726448218993662009-10-01T22:58:00.001-07:002009-10-26T11:58:30.977-07:00

What happens when you have so much to say that you are bursting at the seams? What happens when you walk around like a blog waiting to happen and you have so many feelings and thoughts waiting to explode through your keyboard into the minds of others? Sometimes I am at a loss for words (lol ok rarely!) ... others I feel like I may never shut up. What if I blogged 3 times a day? then what?

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-14834977531109689522009-10-01T19:15:00.000-07:002009-10-26T11:58:15.918-07:00

I am not sure, but I think that quite possibly 2 year olds must be the most joyful entertaining creature in the world... quite likely by design in order to make up for the moments when you want to pull your hair out and hide from them!My (almost) 2 year old, Victorya, definitely pulls on my happy heart strings all the time. Her beautiful little perfect curls are always swaying happily whether she

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6045499273186227007.post-9588715300521475612009-09-30T12:22:00.000-07:002009-10-26T12:09:27.815-07:00

Can a life ever truly be wasted? Can any life's worth ever be determined? Only to the individual making that determination. In perhaps what is my idea of the worst example of a life being wasted. A mother feels she must kill her infant daughter after a normal healthy pregnancy and birth, because said daughter cannot contribute in the right way for the needs of the mother's current family or

Midnitefyrflyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12407438351469606532noreply@blogger.com1