Navigating life with an uncertain destination...

sometimes leaves my journey clouded and me disoriented. It is utterly astounding to me how the events around you can truly affect your own path.

I wish I had more positivity to report. As some of you may remember from past posts, Bryson's Uncle P, who was our past drug dealer and partner in crime, got paroled to our house. He had continued on the forgery and meth addiction path for a good time after we had stopped and his consequences included 3 years in prison. His parole here was following that 3 years plus some time in a halfway house.

I had some serious concerns. We had some rules that were not up for compromise. It went well initially. he was working at Subway, had his own insured truck and insurance, and was taking his wife to and from work (she is in a halfway house). Then it became apparent that he was not working. When we asked him about it he said his hours had been cut and he was about to get a job at the emissions department for more money.

In the mean time both me and Bryson got pulled over within a weeks time, and learned that both of our licenses had been revoked for unpaid tickets from the past. Uncle P was willing to get Bryson to work and also started taking the kids to and from school (they usually walk). Seemed like a nice gesture, but he was using our car to take Bryson and then deciding he could just use it the rest of the day. Part of me felt afraid to confront him because we had no other options, until either me or Bryson could get our licences reinstated, to get Bryson to work. His weekend shifts start at 6 am and there are no buses running that early. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just drive his own truck.

After two days I just couldn't take it. I was too afraid of what could possibly happen with our vehicle out of our sight and worried about why he would be driving it. I told him we needed to talk and told him he needed to drive his own truck. Yes we appreciate the rides, but he is not working, he is living here, and he has an insured vehicle. We would be happy to give him gas money for the rides. I also told him I was more comfortable with the kids walking, because I was pretty sure by how he was acting that he was up to no good. I reassured him that we had no tolerance for that in our house and that it would be sooner than later that he would head back to prison if he continued pushing his parole limits.

The next day he took Bryson to work and was not heard from again. He didn't show up at 3 to pick him up. His phone was off. We started calling hospitals and jails about 10 pm. !1pm we get a collect call from him from the city jail. We cannot accept collect calls, but we knew where he was. After a few days of calls and my own investigating here is what I know. He has a new charge of Distribution of a schedule II illegal substance. Distribution means it was either weighed out, he had a scale, or it was such a large amount that it could not be for personal use. There is a 75,000 bond for that charge... yes thousand. He has an out of location for parole with no bond. His truck is in the impound with 3 police holds. One of which is for a hit and run involving an accident and another is for a complete search of the vehicle to look for more drugs.

The best I can take from this is that I followed my gut and am so thankful this did not happen in our car. It is a great learning experience for my 12 year old son and a reminder that helping people cannot come at the cost of my own family's safety. It is also very sad. He is 48 years old. He is supposed to be a role model and someone we can look up to. His wife is going to get out of the halfway house in 10 days and is devastated. We all would of much rather had him working at Subway for $7 an hour than selling drugs to make money. It is sickening.

I am also still sick. I have been to the ER again with the same advice to have an exploratory operation but no insurance and still no appointments for new patients at the clinic.

My son will have his cast off tomorrow and I still have not had any cooperation from the school in getting the parents to help pay for his broken arm. I was told they would send me a school directory and my son could help me figure out if the kids were listed so I could try to contact the parents.

He also got a referral for supposed "gang affiliation" because he and several of his friends "appeared to be all wearing red" on one day and then "appeared to be all in blue" the next day. Are you kidding me? If you knew my son at all and the crowd he hangs with you would find this funny. They are both skaters and hip hop style. Some where basketball jersey's and some wear skinny jeans! Also in case you are unaware, there is no known gang activity happening with 12 year olds in our suburban area that involves changing colors on a daily basis. This is ridiculous.

I am seriously considering homeschooling/unschooling for him next year, but that will have to wait for another post.

The latest and hardest to report update of all, is that night before last my 1 year old kitty was hit by a car. The poor baby drug herself down into our window well (the large kind that allow a person to get out of a basement safely) and then through our window (another 2 feet down) with her whole lower body completely crushed. It is the most painful thing I have ever heard/seen in my life. We rushed her to the vet and there was no hope for her life, only to stop her suffering. She was medicated and loved and then we had no choice but to let her go.

I am so thankful she made it home but I am still in agony over the suffering she endured. I am glad she felt love before she left instead of dying alone in the street. My 2 year old saw her and heard her cry out in pain and she was devastated. It was so unbearable.

I am still teary more often than not. I miss her so much and I am so sad.

Sorry I can't be here more, but obviously life has some things for me to tend to right now. Miss you all so much and I am about halfway caught up on everyone's blogs. Trying to balance my physical pain with my emotional pain and my mothering responsibilities. Thinking of you all as some of your journeys turn positive while others are still struggling.

"No one ever said life would be easy, they just said it would be worth it." ~author unknown