Update: Detox and Suboxone

Yes you read that right and I am talking about myself! The fading ups and the lingering dreaded downs of the pain pills consumed me and I had to ask for help. I went to a mental hospital- the one that my son has been to- and they sent me to the ER to get medically cleared with the assumption I was returning. That didn't happen. it was determined that I needed a medical detox from the pain pills, so off to a detox program I was sent. I thank God it was a nice one and they kept me pretty comfortable. I was started on subutex 24 hours after my last dose of narcotics and for 3 days they checked my vitals and asked a lot of other quesions, which determined if I was in need of more subutex. After 10 days, I was discharged on suboxone. (Subutex has only  the active ingredient of suboxone, minus the extra one that deters abuse.) I could not go on to the inpatient mental hospital like I wanted because they cannot facilitate the suboxone.

I have a LOT that I want to share about my experience with all of this. Mainly my anxiety is sky high and it is preventing me from taking an active part in a lot of things, but it is particularly stunting my recovery. I struggle with reality. I have moments where I feel like I am in a dream, sometimes it is a bad dream that I just wish would end. I don't know how I am supposed to be advocating for my self when I can barely get out of bed some days. My son is a whole 'nother story. He is only about 2 weeks clean (he says) and I havent been able to get ua's for him started. Funny how he has needed them and I have been asking for them for MONTHS, but I get out of the hospital and I am now labeled an addict, my counselor drops me and puts me in the program Destin has been in and I get ua's ordered immediately. Wonder what their reasoning is in those priorities?

My substance abuse group is such a JOY. There are 4 other girls. 3 are around 25 and have lost their kids to social services or their parents, and are court ordered to be there, and yet they are STILL in there talking about their latest relapse and their still using boyfriends that are an obstacle to them ever getting their kids back. It makes me sick. Then there is the 34 year old stripper. Now she is really an inspiration. She sleeps all day while she puts her 3 year old in front of the TV, and then finds the energy to go to a hotel wide Halloween party where she proceeds to "do lines (of coke)  in every room and get loaded until four in the morning."

So my counselor at the mental health center that I have been seeing for almost 6 months has dropped me saying that I am an addict in need of an addictions counselor, but they dont have an individual one so I am stuck in the above mentioned group for 12 weeks and I am supposed to drop my private psychiatrist and use their Dr., but if I miss 3 groups, I get kicked out of not only the substance abuse program (the wonderful group), then I also lose their Dr. (who would be my suboxone provider), and I lose access to any mental health meds or services. Way to dehumanize me and give me lots of hope about the future. Just when i decide to make a positive change in my life, they label me and take away my privalages as a mental health client because I am now a substance abuse client.

My private psych., who by no small miracle is a suboxone provider, has already given me my 1st prescription and although he recommended some form of group therapy, offered to bill the usually cash only suboxone visits to my insurance and said if the group doesnt work out, he can help get me some one on one intensive therapy with an addictions counselor. As I am writing this out, it makes me wonder why there was ever any debate as to which route I should go. So even though it takes me some balls of steel to go to group, it is going to take those same balls to quit (I don't like being labeled a quitter, especially at a fragile time like this) and walk away from the mental health clinic. I have not been treated very well even before going to their hospital and getting over medicated back in August, so in my heart I know its the right thing to do. My anxiety on the other hand makes me afraid of the permanency of it all, and my fear of driving and appointments makes it hard to instead commit to the private practice that is further away.

I have days where I am completely frozen by anxiety and fear. It was my Birthday yesterday and I was literally stuck in my chair for hours, sweating and freaking out. I couldn't even go to my ceramics class. I don't  know if this is extended withdrawals or if it is suboxone side effects, which are similar. I see my, MY, Dr. on the 10th and will be talking about my dosing, my debilitating anxiety, as well as the program at the mental health center.

There is so much going on and I wish I could get it all out, but I am lucky for the ability to sit here now and say this much. My reality has changed so much without the pain pills and the label of "addict" feels so harsh. When I was on meth, it was different. I chose an illegal substance and I continued to abuse it. This time a Dr. prescribed me opiates and when I became dependent and wanted off, I was labeled "addict."  Because of my meth addiction, I know there will always be an addict in me, but I don't think this time was the same and I think I should be respected for realizing I had a problem with the pills I was being prescribed and getting off of them. Maybe its the suboxone that says, "addict."

I have to take one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. I feel so raw and and I desperately need the healing to begin. I must believe that it will get better so that I have a reason to walk in these unbearable shoes.

Scraping Up Some Hope

I feel hopeless today. It is a horrible day. Well I feel horrible anyway. It should be a great day. I am taking Victorya to celebrate her upcoming 4th birthday at the Circus! Yay!! WEE!!! THE CIRCUS! ...nope not exactly. I am overwhelmed by so much internal chaos and anxiety, and I feel very depressed. I couldn't get up with Victorya early this morning. I kept her in bed with me watching cartoons until we fell back asleep and slept in until 10:30. I made it to the store because we had no food and my SIL needed to trade foodstamps for cash because they are living in a hotel and couldn't pay the room. I remember being in that predicament. It was so horrible and hard to get out of. I should be able to feel some relief that I am not there any more, right? 

I don't know what I feel. I feel like I am sinking. I feel like a failure. I don't know the black and white of my condition anymore. I guess that is what medicated bi-polar looks like. Everything's grey because the medications take away the black and white. At least I think that's how its supposed to work. I feel like I have only lost my mania and I am still incredibly depressed. I guess I am in the black hole of depression, no grey, no white. I am trying so hard to understand how to get out. I need help, but the things I am doing aren't helping. Meds aren't helping. Counseling isn't helping. I missed my counseling appointment this week because some drama with my daughter came up, and I got side tracked and forgot the appointment. Tells you how stable I am.

There is a recurrent theme that Destin's and my counselor keep insisting on : Sleep, diet, and exercise are key in recovering from anything. I dont feel like eating or exercising and all I want to do is sleep. I never feel rested. I never have energy. I am still in mourning for being manic. I find myself praying before bed that I could just have one good manic phase to help me get everything done that I am behind on. I was superwoman and could handle everything when I was manic. Now I can barely make it to the computer. 

Here are the things I am still getting done, although a little slow/late sometimes: Getting Victorya to school, keeping house picked up, but not as clean as usual, making dinner and cleaning up the kitchen after words (kids do dishes that fit in dishwasher), mine and Bryson's, and Victorya's laundry (slow, last minute), getting kids to all of their appointments, paying the bills. The problem is, I am struggling to get all of those things done. Each one is like facing up to my worst fear. Its like going on stage. I have panic build up and I sit paralyzed, sometimes until the last minute when I have to push myself, and then it takes all I have to get up and go. I feel panic when I am driving, when I am waiting in a waiting room, or sometimes for no reason at all and sometimes I can't breathe and it builds and builds until I cry. I have told both my Psychiatrist and my counselor and I get a lot more sympathy than I do solutions. I think Bryson is runing out of sympathy. He never had any solutions. The more I look at this, the more scared I get, as I realize I am probably not going to come out of this without a lot more agony. I am sick right now, yet somehow I need to be my own advocate and I have to fight to come out of this. I also need to fight because my kids need me. Destin has reported suicidal feelings all week. He has been falling asleep in class and the teachers are confused and don't know if its still his concussion or depression or? He needs an advocate too. Mentall illness isn't understood or accepted the way physical illness is. Part of my daily fears is that someone who is involved in our lives (counselor, school personnel, Dr.) is going to find me unfit to be taking care of the kids and is going to call social services. I have to get well. I have to, but I don't know how. I refuse to go down without a fight. I will keep taking what energy I have to scrape up some hope.

Just Some Blog Business

I have been doing some thinking today about this blog and about what should go here. I started this initially because I wanted to share my recovery from my addiction to meth and needed a place where I could be open and honest about my mistakes. My bipolar has always been a present theme because, well... because I am bipolar! I kind of fell into the community of parents of addicts and nestled in for a nice stay. Much like now, I felt in the middle because I was both an addict in recovery (from meth at that time), and a parent, so I could relate on different levels. Now there are two more levels because my son is stepping in the muddy waters of drug use and he has also been diagnosed bipolar I.

I have many different followers, from all walks of life, and here for many different reasons. Rather than try to send people in different compartmentalized directions by separating this blog into the many different areas of my life, I have decided to keep it the way it is.  The main issues still being addiction, recovery, and mental illness, but shadowed by events in my day to day life. I will keep my other blog, Acute Verbal Sabbatical going, and its purpose will be more for random thoughts, information sharing, or my sometimes much needed babbling and venting about my moods and my life. Feel free to follow both or to just stay put right here! I will keep My Sacred Insanity more focused on mine and my son's Bipolar and addiction and recovery issues. I must say, I hope I don't have to revisit addiction in Destin's life, but I know the hand he has been dealt and so I am prepared for anything, and most importantly I know I can find support here, so I think its important that I keep it the way it is.

He is using again! Now what????

I am devastated and concerned. Destin has admitted he is smoking weed again. I am sure that is the reason for his depression. Best case scenario he has switched to a depressed state of his bipolar and the marijuana is making it worse. What can I do? I want to lock him up and never let him out, but I know I can't do that. I am so torn up inside. I know what it feels like to be mentally ill and to not understand mood changes and to want to take something or use something that fixes it. He says smoking weed makes him feel "normal" when nothing else does. He says he is afraid of a med change. I don't know what more I can do for him. He sees a psychiatrist for his meds. He sees a therapist weekly. He has been seeing a substance abuse counselor and passed his last UA. I just had a feeling that he might have smoked so I asked him if he was going to pass his next UA and he told me no.

Since we had all the openness going on, I figured I would ask Aliviya if she had used at all and she said YES! OMG! So I have 2 kids that are using marijuana. I asked them which kids have it and they are doing it with and they said pretty much everyone they hang out with. Do I start calling parents? Do I ground them from all of these kids. I know if they are determined to do it, they will find a way. I have to reach them on a different level where they want to make better decisions. I am at a loss. I can only have a say until they are 18 and it is especially hard in our area because it is legal for medicinal use so kids have easy access because a lot of parents are licensed users and there are as many dispensaries as there are liquor stores.

I sat them both down and laid out my thoughts on it all, which went something like this:  I am not ok with it. I will never condone or allow it. I do not want to ever see you high or doing it.You are not to have any type of drug or paraphernalia in the house. If I do find it on you or in your rooms I WILL report it to the community police officer. I will not take any responsibility for any trouble you get into related to its use. You are putting yourselves and your 3 year old sister at risk of social services taking action against our family if there are drugs found in this house, so I will completely comply with any social worker or police officer that wants to take action against YOU for YOUR poor choice. I will not pay court fines. If you steal anything (to pay for drugs?) I will report you. If it escalates to probation or juvenile hall, I will have no sympathy and I will not pay for any costs and I will not put any money on your books or pay to get you out.

To all you parents out there that didn't see the signs when your kids were younger, what would you have done if you DID see signs? What else can I do?

What Do I Do?

I want answers that I am going to have to get for myself: being a parent is really hard.

What do I do? I am asking myself and my husband that all the time. Do I play endless taxi? Do I give them $? Do I let them spend the night? Have friends spend the night here? Go to the mall? Skate City? Take a nap? Wait to do homework or chores until later? Get on facebook or youtube? Hang out?

My anxiety and panic have crept into all of my once strong parenting nooks and crannies and have me questioning EVERYTHING. I want to raise strong, independent, resilient, creative, and humble children. I know that if I give them everything they want, I am taking so much away from their learning, but somehow I still get left with so much guilt.

Right now with Destin I feel like my decisions are so life or death, literally. He has been experiencing more depression than usual and was pulled out of class on Friday because he seemed "down." Further conversation with the teacher revealed he has been having some suicidal ideation and thoughts of worthlessness. We found out earlier in the week that his smoking cigarettes is causing his red blood cell count to be elevated and his blood is thicker than normal, putting him at greater risk for heart attack, stroke, or blood clots. This was very distressing information for him- as well it should be- he is only 13! Some of his thinking was: If I am going to be sitting around waiting to have a heart attack, maybe I should just kill myself so that I know when its going to happen instead of being in fear of death all of the time.

Proof to me that his mind is not mature enough to be processing some of the choices he is making and it makes me very afraid for him. I am afraid that at this low time in his life, that either the unimaginable worst could happen; he could succumb to his depression and take his life, or he could think life is already as low as it can get, why not try A,B, or C substance and see if it makes me feel better and end up abusing a substance to make him feel better.

So now I am walking around on eggshells, afraid for him and unsure how to help. I am checking in with him, and on him frequently. I am trying to balance his time with friends and with us, and reassuring him he is very loved and needed and that we are here for him while he works on feeling better. I am asking some questions about what he is up to, but not making any judgmental comments. Most of all I am just worried ALL of the time and afraid I could say or do the wrong thing that could make his situation worse.

Having all of these intense feelings during such a hard time for the family is really hard on me, especially because I have my own symptoms of panic and instability. I also have an 11 year old daughter who is interested in boys and is testing every boundary there is, and a busy 3 year old that both need my time, attention, good judgement, and parenting. Oh how I wish I had a parent or grandparent to pick up the phone and call and ask for help. Instead I just keep finding myself asking, "What do I do?'