Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The need to surrender


Sometimes the sun just won't shine. I am having a very down day. I am already pulling out the depression tools from my handy little bipolar bag of artillery. Not sure if this is going to start my decent into an actual depression or if it is just one of those days.  My "to do" list is much bigger then my energy for doing. I am struggling with physical pain and insomnia. 

I am being visited by taunting little regrets, painful memories of much different times, and even feeling insecure. Sometimes I just want to surrender and not have to be the family's glue. Sometimes I want to know if someone cares enough to want to fix anything for me. Not that they could or that I would want them to try, but are the intentions there? Does everyone think I am capable of taking care of myself, my relationship, my health, 3 kids and their health, the house, the animals, etc etc etc etc.  I am feeling needy and lonely. Feeling incapable today. The familiar and uncomfortable feeling of expectation is here. Wanting someone else to give me the answers for a while. 

I know that is not the nature of my life. It never has been. I know I will stand on my own two feet and work through this. but.... sometimes all the knowledge in the world just can't fix the way I feel. 



  1. When I feel the heaviness of everything around me I know a time spent in quiet meditation w/my own "tools" brings me to a place of knowing. I cannot imagine any mother not wanting to "check out". The strain of motherhood is not easy. I always say this to my family..."I need to Come A Part so that I don't come apart."

    I struggle with past regret...I remember after short periods of entertaining the thoughts or long periods of entertaining the thoughts that they are in fact now thoughts of my past and what I have NOW IS NOW. I know that we might live with consequence of those choices and those are sometimes the things that lead us into the thoughts themselves, but it simply doesn't have to. Our mind is our OWN, it your tool and can be commanded by your being/spirit it is subject to only what you choose and just like you I struggle, but bringing my mind into a place to be still and reading GOOD things that remind me of who I really AM help me.

    Give yourself something gentle and soft today, be kind to yourself, give yourself reasonable expectations. You are a being inside of a limited human body. Let your children see YOU nurture YOU.

    My love & prayer to you today Shawna, my most sincere hope is for you.

  2. There is so much in this that my heart recognizes. I really feel your words.
    I agree with Jennifer - she said what came to my mind. "Be kind to yourself." Be gentle with yourself. And know you aren't alone. I'd give you a hug if I could, and what hope I have I gladly share.
    One day at a time hun... one breath at a time.

  3. Thank you both. I fought with racing thoughts and insomnia last night and I feel very depleted. I recognize my cognition is functioning at very low levels today.

    I am wondering if I am still suffering ill, withdrawal like, effects from the oxycontin I was given in the ER?

  4. You know I suppose that is possible, I don't really know the post potential effects of something like this. I hope you are getting the rest and wellness you need today.

  5. I'm so sorry you are having a rough day. I hope it passes quickly. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Sometimes I just want someone to take care of me! To say, don't worry about a thing, I will handle everything including all decisions. Some days it just seems too much to bear all alone....and you have a lot more on your plate than I do on mine.

    You got some good comments here so I will make mine short. I care about you and am here for you if you need to talk!