Tuesday, March 9, 2010

... The Storm


I am much calmer today. I am finally recovering from a serious hang over. I am not perfect. A whole lot of anger, induced by sleep deprivation, mixed with a whole lot of wine and an emotional conversation with a girlfriend, can sure stir up some deep seated insecurities.

I was caught up in purely my own suffering and oblivious to Bryson's own need to sleep to go to work. I felt like what I needed was most important and that he should care about it as much as me and put himself on the back burner. For an amount of time that I am uncertain of because it was in "wine time," all I wanted was for him to make me feel better, to help me fall asleep, to say kind words and understand that I understand he can't help his snoring, but it adds to my stress with insomnia. It all made sense in my head, but I have no idea what my tone was or what specifically I said. sigh.

All I know is that when someone I love and trust and look to for comfort, calls me crazy when I am suffering, I become one ranting pissed off chic. This morning when I read my last two posts I almost wanted to delete them. Then I thought to myself, no f*ck it, it is a part of my reality and even in a moment of weakness it shows strength. Even though I had drank too much and was emotional, I had no desire to use drugs. (ok I DID wish I wasn't drunk and could at least take my advil PM) I had no desire to use illegal drugs or abuse another substance.

I still had the hate and resentment of meth even though I had drank too much and I chose to write and express my anger rather than continue to fight with Bryson. There were the ugly words exchanged and then we left it alone. There was no crazy yelling. There was no ugly scene for the kids to wake to. That is such a different place then arguments of past relationships. I am so thankful for this relationship.

This morning we talked about it. We  both expressed our feelings in a non-blaming way and we both listened. We both apologized for the part where our actions turned irresponsible, unthoughtful, disrespectful, or hurtful.

We also brainstormed solutions and took action. He has breathe right strips to try. I have an Rx for trazadone to help me get to sleep. He is going to take extra care to listen for Victorya in case the meds work too well and I can't hear her.

We have agreed that if these steps don't work, we are going to get a twin bed to put in the office so that no one needs to sleep on the couch and there will be no hurt feelings that we sleep in separate rooms until I can start sleeping again.

I am so thankful for the capability to do the next right thing and to know that our lives are not perfect, but that makes me appreciate living it that much more.





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7 comments:

  1. Glad you're not perfect, It would be too weird knowing the only perfect person on the planet :)

    I'm glad you wrote this all out and left the other posts. It you, it real, its life. You and Bryson have a really great relationship - anyone can (and will) argue and have "issues" but not everyone can sit down after and calmly discuss solutions with no blame. Awesome example of how to do a marriage in a healthy way.

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  2. I will pray that you can find your sleeping patterns back.

    Secretia

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  3. I thank you for sharing your truth, and expressing ALL OF IT!

    Always, always what I say a lot commenting here is that you give me HOPE, and once again I am flooded with HOPE! Hope in ourselves and the possibility within human beings!!!!!!!

    I am hoping for your sleep to come.

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  4. Years ago, my dad found out I was sleeping in the guest room often because my husband's snoring kept me awake. He gave me those earplugs that you roll up and then put in your ears. He said that the guys who direct the planes on runways use these.

    They work great and are sold in most drug stores. Look for the kind that protects from the highest decibels possible. It makes a huge difference. 30 years later we are still sleeping in the same bed!

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  5. Sleep deprivation can do strange things. Glad that you are working on a solution. That's really positive.

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  6. my DH sometimes snores so loudly that I can hear it from the other end of the house... on those nights, "togetherness" is sacrificed on the altar of much-needed rest for me in the spare room with a fan turned on low to drown out the sounds from down the hall. He's had nasal surgery twice, but the problem keeps coming back. We've just accepted that we'll be a much more loving couple the days after we have both gotten our bodies' required rest the night before. (did that make sense?) I'm so glad you are working together for solutions! I'm praying for sweet, deep, dreamless sleep for you!

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  7. I enjoy your posts because they are real and you know I like people writing with thei "tummy" like I do. You path is not always smooth but you can see the Light. I keep on thinking of you

    Love & Rainbow

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