Tuesday, March 9, 2010
... The Storm
I am much calmer today. I am finally recovering from a serious hang over. I am not perfect. A whole lot of anger, induced by sleep deprivation, mixed with a whole lot of wine and an emotional conversation with a girlfriend, can sure stir up some deep seated insecurities.
I was caught up in purely my own suffering and oblivious to Bryson's own need to sleep to go to work. I felt like what I needed was most important and that he should care about it as much as me and put himself on the back burner. For an amount of time that I am uncertain of because it was in "wine time," all I wanted was for him to make me feel better, to help me fall asleep, to say kind words and understand that I understand he can't help his snoring, but it adds to my stress with insomnia. It all made sense in my head, but I have no idea what my tone was or what specifically I said. sigh.
All I know is that when someone I love and trust and look to for comfort, calls me crazy when I am suffering, I become one ranting pissed off chic. This morning when I read my last two posts I almost wanted to delete them. Then I thought to myself, no f*ck it, it is a part of my reality and even in a moment of weakness it shows strength. Even though I had drank too much and was emotional, I had no desire to use drugs. (ok I DID wish I wasn't drunk and could at least take my advil PM) I had no desire to use illegal drugs or abuse another substance.
I still had the hate and resentment of meth even though I had drank too much and I chose to write and express my anger rather than continue to fight with Bryson. There were the ugly words exchanged and then we left it alone. There was no crazy yelling. There was no ugly scene for the kids to wake to. That is such a different place then arguments of past relationships. I am so thankful for this relationship.
This morning we talked about it. We both expressed our feelings in a non-blaming way and we both listened. We both apologized for the part where our actions turned irresponsible, unthoughtful, disrespectful, or hurtful.
We also brainstormed solutions and took action. He has breathe right strips to try. I have an Rx for trazadone to help me get to sleep. He is going to take extra care to listen for Victorya in case the meds work too well and I can't hear her.
We have agreed that if these steps don't work, we are going to get a twin bed to put in the office so that no one needs to sleep on the couch and there will be no hurt feelings that we sleep in separate rooms until I can start sleeping again.
I am so thankful for the capability to do the next right thing and to know that our lives are not perfect, but that makes me appreciate living it that much more.