Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I've been lying to you...

... actually I just wasn't telling the whole truth. Over the last couple of months I haven't even thought of writing. Why? The events of my life have been too chaotic and have taken up all of my energy.

I am on a new path of self discovery, but it is only after I confess something, that I can feel that this new path can begin here. So here it is.... since before I even began this blog, I was an alcoholic, and so much of what has been written here was done so in complete drunkenness.

There I finally said it!

When I started writing here I was in denial. I thought I was just socially drinking and having a good old time. I was so proud of myself for beating meth that I justified a 2+ year long alcoholic celebration.

I don't know how many times I thought about mentioning it, but I was afraid it would take away my credibility. I was really enjoying being a supportive voice to other addicts and their parents. I had not accepted that drinking to the point of blacking out everyday was a problem.

My guilt really started to accumulate when I started to see a pattern of out of control spending on alcohol and not enough money for necessities. I knew that I could easily turn to many of my online friends for support, but the truth was, I just wasn't ready to quit. I didn't know what to replace it with.

So here I am, slowly taking steps forward on life's uncertain path. My life did not spiral out of control the way that it did with meth, but I realized I was taking a wrong turn and headed slowly back in the wrong direction.

It feels good to have many consecutive sober days, to be without the daily need of alcohol, and to remember going to bed at night.

Sometimes I would write here on this blog, while I was blacked out, and it would be like a little surprise to get up in the morning and see if my blacked out mind matched up with my sober one.

It is never too late to start taking steps in the right direction.

Photobucket

10 comments:

  1. wow, thank you for your honesty. i amso glad you are truly clean today. one step at a time. one day at a time. that is all we need to worry about. i am so glad you are here. you are very special and never for one moment think that you are not.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well damn, you write better drunk than most people do sober! But I am so glad you came clean about your drinking. I think I speak for many of your readers when I say we missed you and hope you start writing again. I know I miss you to pieces! Good for you for recognizing this and coming out of the Big "D"

    ReplyDelete
  3. (((((HUGS))))) Thank you for your honesty. This is a start. Good for you. XX

    ReplyDelete
  4. It took me several tries to realize that I also had an issue with alcohol. I thought because I kicked heroin, I was over my problem. After all, alcohol is not heroin. Everybody drinks. As long as I am not using heroin, I am doing great. I got in a lot of legal trouble with alcohol, much more than I ever got in with heroin. And I still kept getting in trouble. It took me a year or so of this before I realized I also had an issue with alcohol. It is part of this road many of us walk. It is a learning process.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow...My first read...and that too filled with such honesty...
    Wish you all the best for this bold step...:)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Acceptance, to me, was the first step. It still amazes me how I lived my fantasy world for so long. Am glad we are both learning and getting better, one day at a time.

    ♥namaste♥

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's incredibly common to replace one addictive substance or behaviour with another. If we're lucky, over time we begin to recognise addictive behaviour patterns earlier and turn them around before too much destruction is caused.

    Good on you for recognising

    ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  8. Good for you for your honesty. It must have brought you great freedom to write this. Now ride that freedom and continue to make your life the life you deserve.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Congratulations on your honesty. It's a brave, as well as hard, thing to have to do.

    peace, love and happiness...

    sickgilr

    ReplyDelete
  10. i can only repeat what the folks above have written. alcohol is a crafty foe.

    ReplyDelete