Friday, October 22, 2010

Who I Am

I am so many things. A woman, mother, survivor. My life has had so many experiences and it is mottled by so many stereotypically "bad" things. Today for the first time I have realized that long ago, I mastered defining myself. Is the definition complete? Of course not. Do you see me as I see myself? Probably not.

Take for instance, one recent aspect of my life... my chronic binge drinking. Do I call myself an alcoholic? no. When my life got out of control with an addiction to meth, did I call myself an addict? no.

There are always aspects of my life that are out of control, yet I still remain strong and I am able to proceed with this certain confidence that I can do anything I want to. Why? because I genuinely believe it.

I don't believe in God. Haven't for a long time. I believe in the good of all people and I believe there is good energy, beyond what we can see, that can be felt and can be harnessed, but I do not believe in some judgmental guyish type entity that has control over anything or that has expectations of me or that will punish me if I do not act accordingly.

I also do not believe there is a conscious existence after this one, so I really do make the most of using my consciousness :)

I know I haven't been around in a while. To try and explain all of the missed events would take entirely too much time and most of all energy for me to relive so that I could type it all out.

Today I spent the better part of the day looking for blogs on eating disorders. My niece is bulimic and she has been staying with us for awhile. When I haven't been reacting to a suicide attempt, panic attack, or sitting in an emergency room or psych hospital, I have been trying to understand the pressures that could lead to such self destructive behaviors.

The big thing that is missing, is self acceptance. As I read blog after blog, no matter the subject matter, there is a consistent theme of people who do not accept themselves. Fear that their appearance is not good enough, belief that they are unlovable, pain that they do not see themselves as capable of curing- whether it be emotional or physical pain.... and even worse I see so many people using one substance or another to try and feel better.

I guess that the big difference for me is that I learned to accept myself. I have also abused substances, but I abused them for the immediate gratification of whatever effect they caused and not to numb any type of emotional pain. When I abused meth, it was because I was recovering from a physical dependency on prescribed pain medicine and I liked the energy and alertness it gave me. My addictions were more of a physical and chemical relationship and when the risks outweighed the benefits, I quit. It was so easy because I did not have emotional dependencies on the substances.

It seems like such an aha for me to realize this for myself, but also as it applies to anyone else who is suffering. The key to overcoming an addiction or self destructive behavior or disorder is self acceptance.

Ironically, I did not master this until I had gastric bypass surgery because I was miserable in my 360 lb body, lost 200 lbs, had a body lift and got boobs, and realized that I could change my packaging all I wanted, but all it really changed is how other people saw me. What this taught me, was that what really mattered all along is how I saw me. How could I have ever thought that someone else's opinion of me trumped mine? How could I have ever thought that any one individual life was more important than another. You need to matter to you. You can be the best you and honor the good in you through self acceptance.

Where does this leave me today? That is the question I am asking myself. I haven't quite found my place in society, but I secured my place in the Universe from the start. I am not sure I want a place in society. I don't look too highly on fancy houses or cars. I only get out of my pajamas if I have to! None of my possessions define me and to be quite honest, most things in my house are purely functional, nothing impressive.

I took back control of negative and positive energy in my life when I realized nobody deserved to cause me pain, and that I have a right to decide what and who I want in my life. So yes, I have amazing emotional control over my life. I do not have any of the typical things that people usually associate with happiness, but I have myself and I happen to like me, so I am happy.

In any given situation in my life there is always one constant, me. If I don't like me then there is always going to be negativity in everything that I do. If the negativity got to be so constant and overwhelming, I can see why I would use other outlets to try and bring positive in or get the negative out... such as needing a codependent relationship, a substance, etc.

Some people have religious beliefs and they believe that the only constants are themselves, God, and Satan. I don't like that equation because it gives away too much. I like having control over how much negative is in my life and I don't like writing off certain behaviors as godly or evil. I believe everyone is capable of making their life something that they love. I just don't know how to help someone else to believe in themselves.



  1. beautiful are an amazing butterfly. your last line though is puzzling. you are so wonderful to want to help others believe in themselves but don't know how. you said you liked being in control of yourself and not being dependant on outside things to make you feel good about yourself on the inside. please don't take this as a critisizm because it is not. i am not good with words so if it sounds bad, it is me. but for helping someone else see the good in them, that is something we all have to do for ourselves and we are powerless over others.

    but, what you wrote here, is very powerful and it does help others. so you are doing what you can do to help others, and it sounds like you didn't know it, so i was trying to let you know. i apologize if my words were clumsy.

  2. Love this post.. i can relate to it in so many ways. Though I've never had a chemical substance addiction, I have been co-dependent most of my life, and didn't even know it then. I also have a problem with food binges. However, the past two years I have learned so much about the importance of self-acceptance.

    You have made a great step toward healing... by being honest with yourself, and others. I wish you success in your new journey towards freedom!

  3. i just found your blog today through the suggestions thing in google reader. i'm going to read back through your old posts but this post today fell into my life with an amazing synchronicity. it is just perfect.

  4. I did use to dull emotional pain. I realized as soon as I actually got addicted to heroin that it had put my formerly turbulent mood on a flat line. I heard about self-medication and thought it was a right laugh. Then I slowly realized in my case it was true. I was never the kind of druggie who will just take anything and uppers without heroin were just undoable for me. In fact uppers were undoable, they made me hear voices on anything more than a tiny dose so I just gave up. Meth... we don't even have that here. The only meths I've had are MDMA (the Ms stand for meth-) and 4methcathinone which is aka meow and there was a craze for the stuff here in the UK about a year ago. I took it once (free sample) but my Ecstasy days are over (meow feels like E and coke together but the coke lasts 3 hours a line!)... oh what was I on about. Nothing as per usual. I really like your blog