More down than up, feeling alone and trying not to isolate

My blog doesn't always speak directly about why it was created... for me to highlight how I live life with a mental or mood disorder. Now I am realizing that anything I write relates to my mental illness because whether it is being managed or medicated, IT is always present. It is wreaking havoc on me today... and yesterday for that matter.

I am starting to see that even though I claim to have lived unmedicated for years, I have in fact still been self medicating during some of those times. Right now I would say I am at the highest risk for relapse... well ever. Relapse on what? Anything. I am miserable. I have been fighting to regulate my mood for some time. I blamed it on quitting drinking. I was started on tramadol for stomach pain and neurontin for nerve pain before I quit drinking. I think that the neurontin actually caused alcohol sensitivity which led to me blacking out quicker and acting belligerent when I was drunk.
That is good because I really do not want to be a drunk like I was. Then I started feeling anxiety and the Dr. I was seeing said the neurontin was an awesome anti-anxiety drug so he upped the dose. Then I hurt my back and have had a lot of narcotic pain meds since then. They helped both my physical and mental pain, but my Dr said I didn't need them. After a back flare up where I could hardly walk, and a trip to the ER, I was told I was flagged for coming to the ER for pain meds.

That made me feel about as big as . <~~~~ that period. I switched Dr's for reasons too long to list here, but I told my new Dr. I want to get better, not just be medicated (for my back pain) and that I wanted to get off the neurontin cause I don't like the anxiety I feel in between doses. I am supposed to be weening off of it and I can't do it... I panic every time I take away a dose. She also upped my tramadol so it would help with my stomach pain (possible hernia still undiagnosed) and my back pain, and it does, but it gives me bad headaches. I can't win for losing. I go to the Er with pain because my (old) Dr. couldnt find out what was wrong or help me. They dont help, they just give me pain meds (temp solution) and then they say Ive been flagged? I don't come looking for pain meds, I come looking to find out what is wrong and try to find a way to get better. I went to physical therapy and wasn't getting better and he sent me back to my Dr.

My Dr. said the only way I am going to get better is by exercizing 2 hours a day every day. huh? I can barely get out of bed! It takes a hot shower and many stretching exercises just to get going! So glad he isnt my Dr. anymore. UHG!

I am tired of trying to self diagnose. I am still afraid of new meds and new side effects, but I know psych meds have come a long way since I was diagnosed. I do know that I am coming down off of a manic high and so I have already began to set up my "going through the motions" activities that get me through. These include: feeding the fish, hamster, turtles, and dog, watering my 3 plants, showering daily, getting out of the house at least once a day, even if it is to take out trash or check mail. My daughter, Victorya, keeps me smiling even through my tears.

I am also having intruding thoughts... extreme worry that someone is going to snatch my (almost) 11 year old on her way to/from school... that if I leave the wood door open (screen still closed), Victorya is going to go out and wander away and be kidnapped... that if I don't pick up my 13 yr old from school he is going to have a panic attack on the bus... that I am not going to be able to get to sleep, that I am not going to want to get out of bed. My head is going a million miles a minute. I actually had to go lay down and cry about 2 paragraphs ago because all the talks of the meds upset me.

Over the next few days, my thoughts will slow down, and my nights of staying up until 2 am and waking up at 5 am with insomnia will fade and I will be tired by 9, want to sleep until noon, and need a nap in the afternoon, but my back won't let me lay down that long. I will spend several hours sleeping in a chair with a pillow wedge to support my back. The depression is the hardest to deal with. I am a bipolar that likes my mania. I am wondering if I should try abilify? Of course I need to see what the side effects are.

Oh, and I need a psych Dr.... I hate Dr. shopping :( I hate trying new meds, but I hate feeling this way.
Writing here, for tonight, has kept me from calling the crisis line. I almost wanted to go for an emergency psych eval, but letting some of those thoughts escape, made me feel better.

Right now, all three of my kids are safe and sound in their beds. I have a shoulder to cry on, even though I think he may have some of his own struggles, he loves me and I love him. I am going to take a trazadone (prescribed for sleep) and just try to bask in what I have to be thankful for right at this moment. Lord knows I need to rest because, yep, I have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.

It is also my kids' spring break this week, which makes me feel soooo much better having them close during these uncertain times of mine.