Saturday, October 8, 2011

Scraping Up Some Hope

I feel hopeless today. It is a horrible day. Well I feel horrible anyway. It should be a great day. I am taking Victorya to celebrate her upcoming 4th birthday at the Circus! Yay!! WEE!!! THE CIRCUS! ...nope not exactly. I am overwhelmed by so much internal chaos and anxiety, and I feel very depressed. I couldn't get up with Victorya early this morning. I kept her in bed with me watching cartoons until we fell back asleep and slept in until 10:30. I made it to the store because we had no food and my SIL needed to trade foodstamps for cash because they are living in a hotel and couldn't pay the room. I remember being in that predicament. It was so horrible and hard to get out of. I should be able to feel some relief that I am not there any more, right? 

I don't know what I feel. I feel like I am sinking. I feel like a failure. I don't know the black and white of my condition anymore. I guess that is what medicated bi-polar looks like. Everything's grey because the medications take away the black and white. At least I think that's how its supposed to work. I feel like I have only lost my mania and I am still incredibly depressed. I guess I am in the black hole of depression, no grey, no white. I am trying so hard to understand how to get out. I need help, but the things I am doing aren't helping. Meds aren't helping. Counseling isn't helping. I missed my counseling appointment this week because some drama with my daughter came up, and I got side tracked and forgot the appointment. Tells you how stable I am.

There is a recurrent theme that Destin's and my counselor keep insisting on : Sleep, diet, and exercise are key in recovering from anything. I dont feel like eating or exercising and all I want to do is sleep. I never feel rested. I never have energy. I am still in mourning for being manic. I find myself praying before bed that I could just have one good manic phase to help me get everything done that I am behind on. I was superwoman and could handle everything when I was manic. Now I can barely make it to the computer. 

Here are the things I am still getting done, although a little slow/late sometimes: Getting Victorya to school, keeping house picked up, but not as clean as usual, making dinner and cleaning up the kitchen after words (kids do dishes that fit in dishwasher), mine and Bryson's, and Victorya's laundry (slow, last minute), getting kids to all of their appointments, paying the bills. The problem is, I am struggling to get all of those things done. Each one is like facing up to my worst fear. Its like going on stage. I have panic build up and I sit paralyzed, sometimes until the last minute when I have to push myself, and then it takes all I have to get up and go. I feel panic when I am driving, when I am waiting in a waiting room, or sometimes for no reason at all and sometimes I can't breathe and it builds and builds until I cry. I have told both my Psychiatrist and my counselor and I get a lot more sympathy than I do solutions. I think Bryson is runing out of sympathy. He never had any solutions. The more I look at this, the more scared I get, as I realize I am probably not going to come out of this without a lot more agony. I am sick right now, yet somehow I need to be my own advocate and I have to fight to come out of this. I also need to fight because my kids need me. Destin has reported suicidal feelings all week. He has been falling asleep in class and the teachers are confused and don't know if its still his concussion or depression or? He needs an advocate too. Mentall illness isn't understood or accepted the way physical illness is. Part of my daily fears is that someone who is involved in our lives (counselor, school personnel, Dr.) is going to find me unfit to be taking care of the kids and is going to call social services. I have to get well. I have to, but I don't know how. I refuse to go down without a fight. I will keep taking what energy I have to scrape up some hope.



  1. Finding the right meds, or not taking certain meds, is a difficult balance. It takes an average of 7 years to get the right combination. It's important to have a counselor you relate to, and that is often a struggle.

    But don't give up. Having fears-like thinking your children will get taken away-is the illness. Irrational, and paranoid thoughts are part of it. I'm not trying to minimize, the thoughts are very real to you. Many of the meds make you tired and blunt your emotions. They all have side effects like that. Maybe try another one? There are some good forums on psych meds you could use for support. You are not alone.

    Thinking of you...

  2. I think any mother who is not in active addiction and is working toward solutions as hard as you are doesn't need to be worried about her children being taken away. You have a support system all around you who see's your efforts.

    The whole med situation is so tricky. I *hate* that it takes so long to find the right mix that gives you the stability you need, but doesn't rob you of feeling everything. I *hate* that you suffer so much while trying desperately to find that right mix.

    Just know that I am praying and have placed you in my God box. I care. I really do.

  3. Hi.
    I can totally relate to those fears of the authorities getting involved with the children. My biggest dread. Its no use me, or anyone, saying dont worry is it?
    I can relate to leaving things to last minute then panicking, getting my youngest to stay in bed all morning with me, needing help & not getting it & plenty more of what you say.
    I know nothing I can say will help. Even knowing that there are others out here like you, like me, doesn't help.
    The only thing that helps me the tiniest bit, sometimes(apart from heroin) is knowing that whatever it is, will most definitely pass . .sooner or later. Really hope you feel a little better soon.
    with love

  4. sorry it took me so long to get over here. all i can say is i love you and i care and i feel pretty shitty too. but there will be good days in with the bad ones so hold on. i wish it was easier.