My cup is empty

I am lost and empty. Why is my life always much more sad and empty than happy and full? What is missing? What can I do differently? 

I have been very very sick the last three weeks, but to be honest, I have not felt like myself in over 6 months. I keep doing the math, adding up the symptoms, trying to figure out if its depression, if its extended withdrawal from the pain pills, if I have some disorder completely unrelated to anything I already know of. What is WRONG with me? Where has my HAPPY gone? I don't look forward to anything other than sleeping. I know that I have replaced my other addictions with an over indulgence in sleep, but it is the only way I get any relief from the suffering I feel every day. I do not want pity. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I just want hardcore answers. I have had antibiotic resistant pneumonia and it has kept me in bed for about 3 weeks. I am sooooo weak. I cannot eat much and I have lost about 16 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I am trying ensure and gatoraid, but even those go down pretty rough. My house is a dirty NIGHTMARE. I want to cry when I get out of bed and look around. I never realized how much I was the glue that kept this house going. Now I am just the crazy glue that is stuck in bed all day.

I am scared of Dr.'s right now. I told Destin's social worker how they gave me dilaudid in the ER while I was on the suboxone and he said it could have killed me. I think it is pretty scary that they put people on medications and Dr.'s don't do their research and get familiar with what is new. I got so upset that I wanted to go off of all of my medications, but that had horrible results. I was so anxious over the last few days that I was ready to be committed to the psych hospital. I am not going to lie, ending my suffering through suicide crossed my mind more than once. It is sooooo unbearable when your mind is not working right and when it has unnatural thoughts that aren't real, but seem real at the time. I did not go back on the suboxone, but I did resume the depakote, buspar, and tegratol. I guess I need to go off of them slower. 

I had a Dr's appt. Thursday and I had a half hour long panic attack leading up to the appt., believing that if I left the house I was going to die. I made myself go because I hoped she could help me. She supports me being off of the suboxone and she wants to lower my other medications slowly. I have always hated the 3-6 week turnover for the results of psych medications, and still do. How the hell do they expect you to get through it? 

On a different note, Destin (who is now 14 if I forgot to mention it) is having some ups and downs. he messed up pretty bad a while ago. Him and a friend tried some coke and ended up trying to shoplift a pocket knife. He has some fines and a class to pay for, and it will be him that pays for it. He has been in the day treatment program since January and for the first time that I can remember, all of his grades are C and above. He got A's in gym and life skills!!! All of his ua's have been clean for over a month and he earns a $40 gift card for every clean ua. (5 a week) He will be trading those to me for fine money to cover his shoplifting and warrant.

I did not expect my life to be where and how it is right now. This is by far the hardest trial I have ever ever been through. Bryson has been out of work since Jan. 10th and Medicaid still hasn't come through! He needs surgery to get back to work and we are hurting for money and food so bad. It costs almost $200 a mos just for Bryson to see the Dr. and get his meds for his back. The kids are not understanding that there just ISN'T ANY MONEY. 

Today I am thankful that despite mine and Bryson's illness and pain, we have 3 healthy children. I am thankful for the sun and that I have been out of bed a little longer every day. I am thankful that I have not given up in spite of hoe painful life has become. I am also thankful that my grandpa has come to see me in my dreams almost every night. It feels like I get a second chance to see him and it means so much.

So Much To Unlearn

I am sitting here as if I am sitting across the table from an old friend. "So, Blog, we meet again!" "Oh, my, I am happy to see you too!"

It has been quite some time since I have been here. I have missed it so much. At one time, this was one of the reasons I got up every day, but back then it was to read over the night before's drunken post and see if I had any comments. Most of my interacting back then was done at a bar or over a bottle (either of milk for my young Victorya or of booze for me) or over the internet. What has changed? I haven't been interacting over any bottles for almost 2 years now! (YAY!) I haven't been interacting online or in life much though.

I have to make my way up out of the darkness somehow. I have made many tries at re-emerging through my blog since my sobriety from alcohol, and again after getting off the pain pills. I guess it just wasn't yet my season to bloom. Is this my season? I don't know. The thing is, I don't know what led me down the path of binge drinking and partying. Maybe it wasn't anything that led me, but nothing leading me away from it? I have to wonder what makes me different than most 33 year olds?

Today, as I reflect on my past, I see a lot of pain. I realize that I was not taught to brush my teeth every day. I was not taught what a good work ethic was. I was never strong in my religion. No one told me how to "find a good man." No one taught me to eat well or exercise! I was comforted by food as a child and when I turned to alcohol at 13 and it became my new source of comfort, I think it came as a welcome reprieve from the tiring work of raising a child that was bestowed upon my poor clueless grandpa.

Today, as I look to my future, I realize I have a long ways to go, but I have overcome some pretty big obstacles. I have 3 beautiful children that I am proud of, and in spite of our hardships, we have made it through so much. I am maintaining my sobriety! October 14 is my clean day!

Something else amazing has happened. I have come off my suboxone. I did it all by myself after a major mess-up by the ER. They gave me dilaudid when I was seen for chest pain last week (which turned out to be pnuemonia). I am not supposed to have narcotics while on suboxone. As I did some research on the internet about it, I found out some very scary things about suboxone that no one ever told me when I agreed to take it... Like that it renders virtually all pain medication useless, and that in most cases it even makes general anesthesia ineffective!!! I am sorry, but I am not taking any chances of having to face a surgery with NO pain relief, just to avoid some withdrawals... and OH are they horrible. I am on day 5 now and just barely starting to see the light from the suffering they caused, but even more important, my head is clearing and my will to LIVE is coming back. After 5 months of intense anxiety and depression that have made me a recluse, I am starting to look for ways I can actively participate in my recovery. Coming off all substances was one part of my journey- a hard one, but now there is the business of unlearning all of the bad habits that lead up to the substance abuse and supported it. That's 20 years worth of unlearning!

I better get busy, because I have so much to unlearn!