So Much To Unlearn

I am sitting here as if I am sitting across the table from an old friend. "So, Blog, we meet again!" "Oh, my, I am happy to see you too!"

It has been quite some time since I have been here. I have missed it so much. At one time, this was one of the reasons I got up every day, but back then it was to read over the night before's drunken post and see if I had any comments. Most of my interacting back then was done at a bar or over a bottle (either of milk for my young Victorya or of booze for me) or over the internet. What has changed? I haven't been interacting over any bottles for almost 2 years now! (YAY!) I haven't been interacting online or in life much though.

I have to make my way up out of the darkness somehow. I have made many tries at re-emerging through my blog since my sobriety from alcohol, and again after getting off the pain pills. I guess it just wasn't yet my season to bloom. Is this my season? I don't know. The thing is, I don't know what led me down the path of binge drinking and partying. Maybe it wasn't anything that led me, but nothing leading me away from it? I have to wonder what makes me different than most 33 year olds?

Today, as I reflect on my past, I see a lot of pain. I realize that I was not taught to brush my teeth every day. I was not taught what a good work ethic was. I was never strong in my religion. No one told me how to "find a good man." No one taught me to eat well or exercise! I was comforted by food as a child and when I turned to alcohol at 13 and it became my new source of comfort, I think it came as a welcome reprieve from the tiring work of raising a child that was bestowed upon my poor clueless grandpa.

Today, as I look to my future, I realize I have a long ways to go, but I have overcome some pretty big obstacles. I have 3 beautiful children that I am proud of, and in spite of our hardships, we have made it through so much. I am maintaining my sobriety! October 14 is my clean day!

Something else amazing has happened. I have come off my suboxone. I did it all by myself after a major mess-up by the ER. They gave me dilaudid when I was seen for chest pain last week (which turned out to be pnuemonia). I am not supposed to have narcotics while on suboxone. As I did some research on the internet about it, I found out some very scary things about suboxone that no one ever told me when I agreed to take it... Like that it renders virtually all pain medication useless, and that in most cases it even makes general anesthesia ineffective!!! I am sorry, but I am not taking any chances of having to face a surgery with NO pain relief, just to avoid some withdrawals... and OH are they horrible. I am on day 5 now and just barely starting to see the light from the suffering they caused, but even more important, my head is clearing and my will to LIVE is coming back. After 5 months of intense anxiety and depression that have made me a recluse, I am starting to look for ways I can actively participate in my recovery. Coming off all substances was one part of my journey- a hard one, but now there is the business of unlearning all of the bad habits that lead up to the substance abuse and supported it. That's 20 years worth of unlearning!

I better get busy, because I have so much to unlearn!