My cup is empty

I am lost and empty. Why is my life always much more sad and empty than happy and full? What is missing? What can I do differently? 

I have been very very sick the last three weeks, but to be honest, I have not felt like myself in over 6 months. I keep doing the math, adding up the symptoms, trying to figure out if its depression, if its extended withdrawal from the pain pills, if I have some disorder completely unrelated to anything I already know of. What is WRONG with me? Where has my HAPPY gone? I don't look forward to anything other than sleeping. I know that I have replaced my other addictions with an over indulgence in sleep, but it is the only way I get any relief from the suffering I feel every day. I do not want pity. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I just want hardcore answers. I have had antibiotic resistant pneumonia and it has kept me in bed for about 3 weeks. I am sooooo weak. I cannot eat much and I have lost about 16 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I am trying ensure and gatoraid, but even those go down pretty rough. My house is a dirty NIGHTMARE. I want to cry when I get out of bed and look around. I never realized how much I was the glue that kept this house going. Now I am just the crazy glue that is stuck in bed all day.

I am scared of Dr.'s right now. I told Destin's social worker how they gave me dilaudid in the ER while I was on the suboxone and he said it could have killed me. I think it is pretty scary that they put people on medications and Dr.'s don't do their research and get familiar with what is new. I got so upset that I wanted to go off of all of my medications, but that had horrible results. I was so anxious over the last few days that I was ready to be committed to the psych hospital. I am not going to lie, ending my suffering through suicide crossed my mind more than once. It is sooooo unbearable when your mind is not working right and when it has unnatural thoughts that aren't real, but seem real at the time. I did not go back on the suboxone, but I did resume the depakote, buspar, and tegratol. I guess I need to go off of them slower. 

I had a Dr's appt. Thursday and I had a half hour long panic attack leading up to the appt., believing that if I left the house I was going to die. I made myself go because I hoped she could help me. She supports me being off of the suboxone and she wants to lower my other medications slowly. I have always hated the 3-6 week turnover for the results of psych medications, and still do. How the hell do they expect you to get through it? 

On a different note, Destin (who is now 14 if I forgot to mention it) is having some ups and downs. he messed up pretty bad a while ago. Him and a friend tried some coke and ended up trying to shoplift a pocket knife. He has some fines and a class to pay for, and it will be him that pays for it. He has been in the day treatment program since January and for the first time that I can remember, all of his grades are C and above. He got A's in gym and life skills!!! All of his ua's have been clean for over a month and he earns a $40 gift card for every clean ua. (5 a week) He will be trading those to me for fine money to cover his shoplifting and warrant.

I did not expect my life to be where and how it is right now. This is by far the hardest trial I have ever ever been through. Bryson has been out of work since Jan. 10th and Medicaid still hasn't come through! He needs surgery to get back to work and we are hurting for money and food so bad. It costs almost $200 a mos just for Bryson to see the Dr. and get his meds for his back. The kids are not understanding that there just ISN'T ANY MONEY. 

Today I am thankful that despite mine and Bryson's illness and pain, we have 3 healthy children. I am thankful for the sun and that I have been out of bed a little longer every day. I am thankful that I have not given up in spite of hoe painful life has become. I am also thankful that my grandpa has come to see me in my dreams almost every night. It feels like I get a second chance to see him and it means so much.

So Much To Unlearn

I am sitting here as if I am sitting across the table from an old friend. "So, Blog, we meet again!" "Oh, my, I am happy to see you too!"

It has been quite some time since I have been here. I have missed it so much. At one time, this was one of the reasons I got up every day, but back then it was to read over the night before's drunken post and see if I had any comments. Most of my interacting back then was done at a bar or over a bottle (either of milk for my young Victorya or of booze for me) or over the internet. What has changed? I haven't been interacting over any bottles for almost 2 years now! (YAY!) I haven't been interacting online or in life much though.

I have to make my way up out of the darkness somehow. I have made many tries at re-emerging through my blog since my sobriety from alcohol, and again after getting off the pain pills. I guess it just wasn't yet my season to bloom. Is this my season? I don't know. The thing is, I don't know what led me down the path of binge drinking and partying. Maybe it wasn't anything that led me, but nothing leading me away from it? I have to wonder what makes me different than most 33 year olds?

Today, as I reflect on my past, I see a lot of pain. I realize that I was not taught to brush my teeth every day. I was not taught what a good work ethic was. I was never strong in my religion. No one told me how to "find a good man." No one taught me to eat well or exercise! I was comforted by food as a child and when I turned to alcohol at 13 and it became my new source of comfort, I think it came as a welcome reprieve from the tiring work of raising a child that was bestowed upon my poor clueless grandpa.

Today, as I look to my future, I realize I have a long ways to go, but I have overcome some pretty big obstacles. I have 3 beautiful children that I am proud of, and in spite of our hardships, we have made it through so much. I am maintaining my sobriety! October 14 is my clean day!

Something else amazing has happened. I have come off my suboxone. I did it all by myself after a major mess-up by the ER. They gave me dilaudid when I was seen for chest pain last week (which turned out to be pnuemonia). I am not supposed to have narcotics while on suboxone. As I did some research on the internet about it, I found out some very scary things about suboxone that no one ever told me when I agreed to take it... Like that it renders virtually all pain medication useless, and that in most cases it even makes general anesthesia ineffective!!! I am sorry, but I am not taking any chances of having to face a surgery with NO pain relief, just to avoid some withdrawals... and OH are they horrible. I am on day 5 now and just barely starting to see the light from the suffering they caused, but even more important, my head is clearing and my will to LIVE is coming back. After 5 months of intense anxiety and depression that have made me a recluse, I am starting to look for ways I can actively participate in my recovery. Coming off all substances was one part of my journey- a hard one, but now there is the business of unlearning all of the bad habits that lead up to the substance abuse and supported it. That's 20 years worth of unlearning!

I better get busy, because I have so much to unlearn!

Update: Detox and Suboxone

Yes you read that right and I am talking about myself! The fading ups and the lingering dreaded downs of the pain pills consumed me and I had to ask for help. I went to a mental hospital- the one that my son has been to- and they sent me to the ER to get medically cleared with the assumption I was returning. That didn't happen. it was determined that I needed a medical detox from the pain pills, so off to a detox program I was sent. I thank God it was a nice one and they kept me pretty comfortable. I was started on subutex 24 hours after my last dose of narcotics and for 3 days they checked my vitals and asked a lot of other quesions, which determined if I was in need of more subutex. After 10 days, I was discharged on suboxone. (Subutex has only  the active ingredient of suboxone, minus the extra one that deters abuse.) I could not go on to the inpatient mental hospital like I wanted because they cannot facilitate the suboxone.

I have a LOT that I want to share about my experience with all of this. Mainly my anxiety is sky high and it is preventing me from taking an active part in a lot of things, but it is particularly stunting my recovery. I struggle with reality. I have moments where I feel like I am in a dream, sometimes it is a bad dream that I just wish would end. I don't know how I am supposed to be advocating for my self when I can barely get out of bed some days. My son is a whole 'nother story. He is only about 2 weeks clean (he says) and I havent been able to get ua's for him started. Funny how he has needed them and I have been asking for them for MONTHS, but I get out of the hospital and I am now labeled an addict, my counselor drops me and puts me in the program Destin has been in and I get ua's ordered immediately. Wonder what their reasoning is in those priorities?

My substance abuse group is such a JOY. There are 4 other girls. 3 are around 25 and have lost their kids to social services or their parents, and are court ordered to be there, and yet they are STILL in there talking about their latest relapse and their still using boyfriends that are an obstacle to them ever getting their kids back. It makes me sick. Then there is the 34 year old stripper. Now she is really an inspiration. She sleeps all day while she puts her 3 year old in front of the TV, and then finds the energy to go to a hotel wide Halloween party where she proceeds to "do lines (of coke)  in every room and get loaded until four in the morning."

So my counselor at the mental health center that I have been seeing for almost 6 months has dropped me saying that I am an addict in need of an addictions counselor, but they dont have an individual one so I am stuck in the above mentioned group for 12 weeks and I am supposed to drop my private psychiatrist and use their Dr., but if I miss 3 groups, I get kicked out of not only the substance abuse program (the wonderful group), then I also lose their Dr. (who would be my suboxone provider), and I lose access to any mental health meds or services. Way to dehumanize me and give me lots of hope about the future. Just when i decide to make a positive change in my life, they label me and take away my privalages as a mental health client because I am now a substance abuse client.

My private psych., who by no small miracle is a suboxone provider, has already given me my 1st prescription and although he recommended some form of group therapy, offered to bill the usually cash only suboxone visits to my insurance and said if the group doesnt work out, he can help get me some one on one intensive therapy with an addictions counselor. As I am writing this out, it makes me wonder why there was ever any debate as to which route I should go. So even though it takes me some balls of steel to go to group, it is going to take those same balls to quit (I don't like being labeled a quitter, especially at a fragile time like this) and walk away from the mental health clinic. I have not been treated very well even before going to their hospital and getting over medicated back in August, so in my heart I know its the right thing to do. My anxiety on the other hand makes me afraid of the permanency of it all, and my fear of driving and appointments makes it hard to instead commit to the private practice that is further away.

I have days where I am completely frozen by anxiety and fear. It was my Birthday yesterday and I was literally stuck in my chair for hours, sweating and freaking out. I couldn't even go to my ceramics class. I don't  know if this is extended withdrawals or if it is suboxone side effects, which are similar. I see my, MY, Dr. on the 10th and will be talking about my dosing, my debilitating anxiety, as well as the program at the mental health center.

There is so much going on and I wish I could get it all out, but I am lucky for the ability to sit here now and say this much. My reality has changed so much without the pain pills and the label of "addict" feels so harsh. When I was on meth, it was different. I chose an illegal substance and I continued to abuse it. This time a Dr. prescribed me opiates and when I became dependent and wanted off, I was labeled "addict."  Because of my meth addiction, I know there will always be an addict in me, but I don't think this time was the same and I think I should be respected for realizing I had a problem with the pills I was being prescribed and getting off of them. Maybe its the suboxone that says, "addict."

I have to take one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. I feel so raw and and I desperately need the healing to begin. I must believe that it will get better so that I have a reason to walk in these unbearable shoes.

Scraping Up Some Hope

I feel hopeless today. It is a horrible day. Well I feel horrible anyway. It should be a great day. I am taking Victorya to celebrate her upcoming 4th birthday at the Circus! Yay!! WEE!!! THE CIRCUS! ...nope not exactly. I am overwhelmed by so much internal chaos and anxiety, and I feel very depressed. I couldn't get up with Victorya early this morning. I kept her in bed with me watching cartoons until we fell back asleep and slept in until 10:30. I made it to the store because we had no food and my SIL needed to trade foodstamps for cash because they are living in a hotel and couldn't pay the room. I remember being in that predicament. It was so horrible and hard to get out of. I should be able to feel some relief that I am not there any more, right? 

I don't know what I feel. I feel like I am sinking. I feel like a failure. I don't know the black and white of my condition anymore. I guess that is what medicated bi-polar looks like. Everything's grey because the medications take away the black and white. At least I think that's how its supposed to work. I feel like I have only lost my mania and I am still incredibly depressed. I guess I am in the black hole of depression, no grey, no white. I am trying so hard to understand how to get out. I need help, but the things I am doing aren't helping. Meds aren't helping. Counseling isn't helping. I missed my counseling appointment this week because some drama with my daughter came up, and I got side tracked and forgot the appointment. Tells you how stable I am.

There is a recurrent theme that Destin's and my counselor keep insisting on : Sleep, diet, and exercise are key in recovering from anything. I dont feel like eating or exercising and all I want to do is sleep. I never feel rested. I never have energy. I am still in mourning for being manic. I find myself praying before bed that I could just have one good manic phase to help me get everything done that I am behind on. I was superwoman and could handle everything when I was manic. Now I can barely make it to the computer. 

Here are the things I am still getting done, although a little slow/late sometimes: Getting Victorya to school, keeping house picked up, but not as clean as usual, making dinner and cleaning up the kitchen after words (kids do dishes that fit in dishwasher), mine and Bryson's, and Victorya's laundry (slow, last minute), getting kids to all of their appointments, paying the bills. The problem is, I am struggling to get all of those things done. Each one is like facing up to my worst fear. Its like going on stage. I have panic build up and I sit paralyzed, sometimes until the last minute when I have to push myself, and then it takes all I have to get up and go. I feel panic when I am driving, when I am waiting in a waiting room, or sometimes for no reason at all and sometimes I can't breathe and it builds and builds until I cry. I have told both my Psychiatrist and my counselor and I get a lot more sympathy than I do solutions. I think Bryson is runing out of sympathy. He never had any solutions. The more I look at this, the more scared I get, as I realize I am probably not going to come out of this without a lot more agony. I am sick right now, yet somehow I need to be my own advocate and I have to fight to come out of this. I also need to fight because my kids need me. Destin has reported suicidal feelings all week. He has been falling asleep in class and the teachers are confused and don't know if its still his concussion or depression or? He needs an advocate too. Mentall illness isn't understood or accepted the way physical illness is. Part of my daily fears is that someone who is involved in our lives (counselor, school personnel, Dr.) is going to find me unfit to be taking care of the kids and is going to call social services. I have to get well. I have to, but I don't know how. I refuse to go down without a fight. I will keep taking what energy I have to scrape up some hope.

Just Some Blog Business

I have been doing some thinking today about this blog and about what should go here. I started this initially because I wanted to share my recovery from my addiction to meth and needed a place where I could be open and honest about my mistakes. My bipolar has always been a present theme because, well... because I am bipolar! I kind of fell into the community of parents of addicts and nestled in for a nice stay. Much like now, I felt in the middle because I was both an addict in recovery (from meth at that time), and a parent, so I could relate on different levels. Now there are two more levels because my son is stepping in the muddy waters of drug use and he has also been diagnosed bipolar I.

I have many different followers, from all walks of life, and here for many different reasons. Rather than try to send people in different compartmentalized directions by separating this blog into the many different areas of my life, I have decided to keep it the way it is.  The main issues still being addiction, recovery, and mental illness, but shadowed by events in my day to day life. I will keep my other blog, Acute Verbal Sabbatical going, and its purpose will be more for random thoughts, information sharing, or my sometimes much needed babbling and venting about my moods and my life. Feel free to follow both or to just stay put right here! I will keep My Sacred Insanity more focused on mine and my son's Bipolar and addiction and recovery issues. I must say, I hope I don't have to revisit addiction in Destin's life, but I know the hand he has been dealt and so I am prepared for anything, and most importantly I know I can find support here, so I think its important that I keep it the way it is.