The need to surrender

Sometimes the sun just won't shine. I am having a very down day. I am already pulling out the depression tools from my handy little bipolar bag of artillery. Not sure if this is going to start my decent into an actual depression or if it is just one of those days.  My "to do" list is much bigger then my energy for doing. I am struggling with physical pain and insomnia. 

I am being visited by taunting little regrets, painful memories of much different times, and even feeling insecure. Sometimes I just want to surrender and not have to be the family's glue. Sometimes I want to know if someone cares enough to want to fix anything for me. Not that they could or that I would want them to try, but are the intentions there? Does everyone think I am capable of taking care of myself, my relationship, my health, 3 kids and their health, the house, the animals, etc etc etc etc.  I am feeling needy and lonely. Feeling incapable today. The familiar and uncomfortable feeling of expectation is here. Wanting someone else to give me the answers for a while. 

I know that is not the nature of my life. It never has been. I know I will stand on my own two feet and work through this. but.... sometimes all the knowledge in the world just can't fix the way I feel. 

Life today

Today is one of those thinking days. Lately I am having too many thinking or non-thinking days, but not enough doing days. Where in the world has my motivation gone? Having the kids home for summer has been an excuse. Shoot, just having three kids, one of which is still in diapers has been an excuse. Are there any GOOD excuses? I am tired, depressed perhaps, and I really am afraid of the available systems- health care syatem (HA) menatl health system (HA HA). I need to eat better, exercise more, blah blah blah- I barely have the motivation to get through the day in an acceptable manner.

I don't want some cure all antidepressant or mood stabalizer to give me a bunch of other unbearable side effects to deal with. I have long been in the business of self healing and yes even self medicating. Well it isn't working any more. I just don't feel good.

I think a lot of this is coming from much needed changes. Our family as a whole spends too much time helping others and getting taken advantage of. I think we need to choose more carefully who we keep around us and what kind of people they are. This is hard to do in an economical time when sometimes a "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine," is making all of the difference between making it and breaking it. I know so many people are experiencing hard times. I also know that even though we are in an uncomfortable financial situation, this is really far from the definition of hard.

I should be much better at telling what people are like and deciding their merit in my life at this time. I used to be a beleiver in everyone and that there was something good to be taken from everyone... everything. Well unfortunately sometimes the only good thing is a lesson in bad things and bad people and I think I have had a few too many of those. I need to look to more positive outlets for positive people to help us in our family journey.