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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

another day...

I will feel like being here.


I will feel like gettin up early.

I will feel like cleaning, organizing, getting ready.

I will be rested and my body will feel normal .

I will feel joy and contentment.

The sun will shine and warm my heart...

... another day.


Today

I want to stay in bed.

I am tired, worn, not recovered from being sick, and facing the monthly woes of being a woman.

I am missing my 6th grader who is away at outdoor lab, worrying if he is warm, wondering if he has enough layers and warm enough socks.

My 4th grader is home sick for the 4th day from school.

My 2 year old is well and full of energy and doesn't understand a sick or tired mommy. She didn't understand when she was up at 3 am asking for juice, a snack, water, cartoons, or any imaginable reason to be awake at 3 am either.

It is cold and snowing and I am worried about the sprinkler system that "Grandpa of the year" never showed up to blow out.

I am bitter that the day he was supposed to show up just also happened to be his granddaughter's 2nd birthday party, the 2nd birthday party that he missed.

Today I am going to mute my mind, let my body finish healing, and wait for another day.

Friday, October 9, 2009

'mon mommy, come on

It has been a challenging couple of days filled with stressful events, people moving in and out (literally), and some serious accusations outside of the family..... and blogging is not compatible with a 2 year old still up at 1:11 am asking for cereal followed by mommy snuggles in bed with her. Guess I will have to enjoy my midnight cheerios and some baby snuggles and come back later :)

Monday, October 5, 2009

Influence.... Intention

Wow... so as if I didn't have enough thought coming into this... I tried to research the actual meaning behind these words that seem to be so key in my life.

First, according to Merriam Webster online, the definition of influence:

Main Entry: 1
Pronunciation: \ˈin-ˌflü-ən(t)s, especially Southern in-ˈ\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old French, from Medieval Latin influentia, from Latin influent-, influens, present participle of influere to flow in, from in- + fluere to flow — more at fluid
Date: 14th century

1 a : an ethereal fluid held to flow from the stars and to affect the actions of humans b :an emanation of occult power held to derive from stars 2 : an emanation of spiritual or moral force 3 a : the act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command b : corrupt interference with authority for personal gain 4 : the power or capacity of causing an effect in indirect or intangible ways : sway 5 : one that exerts influence


Today has been a strong day of my meaning of influence- rather that is according to Shawna: "someone or something affecting you, your thoughts, beliefs, values, or actions"


I sometimes look at my past self (the weaker days of me) and wonder, "How did I end up here, strong and confident and capable?" I find it somewhat relevant to compare past vs. present in moderate doses. I am, after all, overly capable of dwelling on the past and making it the future. So on occasion I take a MOMENT of reflection to consider my journey.


Influence becomes a key word here. Intention is quick to follow.


In the past, especially as an overly emotionally stimulated child, yet an under emotionally developed child, I needed to feel constant influence as well as feel like I was influencing something (anything). I spent endless years in an unstable state of mind. I really believe I may have bordered on a schizophrenic/ personality disorder. It was as if I spent my time consumed with the thoughts and feelings of others and how to manipulate them into the thoughts and feeling that I thought they should have... the thoughts of approval and affirmation that I needed for my very existence.... and occasionally the thought ands feeling of disapproval to appease the rebel child in me.


The thing I realize today is that a lot of emotionally immature people still live this way. What is it that brought me to a new level of understanding? How did I break free of this cycle and find my own inner voice?


In all honesty, it happened in 3 parts. The first was the quick and painful loss of the 3 three most influential people to my manipulating thought processes. The 3 people's who's input I constantly needed. My grandfather and children's father who died the same year, and my best friend who moved out of state. Now she was not an actual "loss" and our relationship has actually grown into something very strong and beautiful, but at that time, losing daily verbal connection WAS a loss.


Left alone with my thoughts and lack of esteem came the next two parts, unconditional love and meth. What a combination.


How did those two things lead to who I am today? The truth is, they both freed my mind and rid me of all of my self doubt. the difference is that one was real and one was simulated. I think I personally needed that drug induced simulation in order to allow myself to feel that euphoria for a long enough time to get acquainted with it. Much the same way that a person temporarily uses anti-depressants to learn to feel okay again following a long bout of depression, I needed that high to allow myself to be happy again.


The scary thing is that meth is so deadly and addicting, I almost lost myself to it completely. That is where the unconditional love came in. It started with the love of Bryson. I am his first true romantic love. It was a wonderfully innocent, yet intense courtship. He loved me so truly and fully, not ever having an ulterior motive, yet he always had enough self respect to let me know he would not compromise himself for our love.


It astounded me that such a young guy (21 at the time) with no relationships past, could be so emotionally simple and strong. In the face of this, I wanted nothing more than to return the favor. I didn't know how.


Amazingly, we went through this crazy and fast journey of love and experience, getting high on drugs and each other, and the end result brought me here. A place where I can love myself for me in all of my entirety and allow others the opportunity to do the same. He taught me that. Here is also a place where I know even in the face of despair, hopelessness, and addiction, there is the power of change and growth in the future. I have something to give, without asking you, or you, or you, anything in return. I have love and integrity. Honesty and hope. The unconditional love of my family and myself. I have influence and intention.


Here I am.





Thursday, October 1, 2009

then what?

What happens when you have so much to say that you are bursting at the seams? What happens when you walk around like a blog waiting to happen and you have so many feelings and thoughts waiting to explode through your keyboard into the minds of others? Sometimes I am at a loss for words (lol ok rarely!) ... others I feel like I may never shut up. What if I blogged 3 times a day?

then what?

"I'm excited toooo"

I am not sure, but I think that quite possibly 2 year olds must be the most joyful entertaining creature in the world... quite likely by design in order to make up for the moments when you want to pull your hair out and hide from them!

My (almost) 2 year old, Victorya, definitely pulls on my happy heart strings all the time. Her beautiful little perfect curls are always swaying happily whether she be singing her cutest ever version of "Happy Birthday" (she sings it in a looong heavy voice that sounds like Marilyn Monroe when she serenaded J.F.K), or whether she is reaching on her tippy toes to throw the poor kitten over the banister, flailing 15 feet to the ground, much to Victorya's delight.

It is almost impossible to get mad at her when her bright beautiful eyes bat at you and she shrugs her little shoulders, her little chubby fingers entwined on her lap.

Luckily for me, she provides many more moments filled with joy and laughter- the kind of deep heart felt belly laughs that leave you in tears and grasping for breath.

At this point, she seems to learn or mimic something new several times a day. Sponge is an understatement. Chamois, is more like it. She picks up on everything. Of course as a parent you have to always be aware that little ears are present, because you never really know how much goes in, but can'y quite come out in verbal expression yet.

Today we were eating lunch at a restaurant while the older kids were in school. It was me and my husband and Victorya. We ordered our meals and ordered her mac and cheese and went out on a limb and got her mandarin oranges.

See, Victorya is a picky eater. I always believed that a picky eater was a direct result of parents that allowed their children too many options. My older children ate ANYthing as children- and still do. Victorya is different. She has a huge sensitivity to weird textures; things that are slimy, too wet, leafy, etc. She also will not eat ANYthing green. Not even green candy. We have tried letting her go hungry when she refused whole meals because of thier vegetable content and she has a will of iron! She will skip a meal and then still decline at the next meal if it does not appease her.

We have even gone so far as to hide one, I repeat, ONE pea in her pasta, or mashed potatoes, and without fail she will discover it and spit it out. We have had to quit doing this because now she doesn't trust us and must look through every bite to make sure there is no single, super secret pea. We are on what seems like an endless journey to find whatever fruits and vegetables we can that she will eat.

So back to our lunch. Lunch arrives and she quickly takes her fork and stirs through the mac and cheese meticulously checking for peas. Then she takes one little slice of mandarin orange and picks it up and inspects it. Of course both me and my husband are almost holding our breath, yet still trying to converse as normal, while looking out the corner of our eyes. She puts it to her nose and smells it (gasp) and then she puts it to her toungue...... and...... and.... our hopes are dashed. She makes that horrible face and quickly dismisses the orange...... sigh.

By the end of the meal, I decide I do not want to let her oranges go to waste and start picking at them. In one last desperate attempt, I try reverse psychology.

"YuuuuuuuuuMMMM! These are the BEST oranges I have EVER had! They are soooooooooo yummy and they are MINE!" I say with as much expression and exaggeration as I can.

I see her get that look on her face. The one when another child picks up her favorite toy and begins to play with it as if it were their very own. The one that says, "um excuse me, what do you think you are doing?"

My husband quickly follows suit and picks up his own delectable little mandarin orange and begins to engage in his own wonderful display of parental drama.

We are both so full of anticipation that I can hardly stand it. Slowly her chubby little finger reaches into the bowl and her hand fully occupies it. She doesn't want us in HER oranges. We both show our sadness and disappointment that we cannot eat any more delicious oranges.

....and then ....she picks one up ...still staring at us both suspiciously. Slooooowly she takes the orange and again she smells it. My husband again pronounces his undying LOVE of yummy oranges, and then...... and then....... she puts it in her mouth..... and she CHEWS it.... and she SWALLOWS it!

OMG, I almost want to cry. I actually feel a little bit of tears welling in my eyes. I look at my husband, who is happy, but obviously not as emotional as I am, because now he is looking at me like I hid a pea in his potatoes. I quickly try to recover from the moment and start explaining to him that I am just so happy we found a fruit that she likes. I explain how its a huge step and maybe we can get her to try some other things.... seeing that he is still astounded by my emotional enthusiasm, I finally say, "I am just so excited she is eating fruit."

Victorya looks at us both, a mandarin orange in both hands, her chubby cheeks bursting with mandarin oranges, her mouth almost too full to let the words escape past the oranges and says, "I'm so excited, toooooooooooooo!"


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