30 Days of Truth - Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to give back all that has been given to me, emotionally and spiritually.

I have never been someone who could keep just a job, or think about having a career. I have always thought in terms of having a purpose. Right now being a mother is purposeful enough to sustain me, but my kids will not always need me so much, and then I will need to find other outlets for my time and energy.

I have not yet figured out what I am meant to do. I think having a mental illness makes it a lot harder because I face a lot of extra challenges when it comes to organizing my thoughts, much less organizing a plan for my life.

I know I want to use my own life experiences to help people. I do not want to be taught a trade, only to provide some mundane service to people over and over again. I need interaction and variety. I want to connect to people who are having emotional pain and help them. I know that helping myself right now is a big part of the big picture. I am not only working on and changing one life, I am using my words and my intentions to reach out and affect others.

At some point in my life I want these dreams to materialize, and I want to know that all of my struggles were not in vain, because I can use my experiences to help people make positive changes.

I want to make a positive impact in the lives of people, particularly children. I think I want to work in the child protective services area to help advocate for children that have been removed from their homes.

30 Days of Truth - Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

(I apologize for posting late, I had to take my daughter to the ER)






I need to forgive my step-grandma for taking my grandpa's life insurance money and for making me and my kids move out of his house (among other things). This is an emotionally weighted subject, and in all honesty, it is really hard for me to post this out in the open. I am challenging myself in my writing and in my life as well.


I have really considered this subject since I first read through the 30 days worth of challenges. I really hoped that by the time I wrote this, I would be ready for more disclosure and could declare my forgiveness. 


The truth in this, is that I have to forgive her for my own sanity, but I am not quite where I need to be to accomplish that. 


It is on my to do list.

30 Days of Truth - Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I need to forgive myself for getting into a position where Child Protective Services removed my children from my care.

I made a lot of mistakes. The progression from abusing pain medications, to using some speed at the bar on weekends, to smoking ice (meth), was not intentional or deliberate. No one sits around pondering their life and says, "Yep I want to be an addict."

What was intentional and deliberate were the small daily choices that were not compatible with parenting. A lot of the things that my using led to are actually quite normal in a lot of functional, non addict, households... but they were abnormal for me. Some of the things were not okay now, or ever, for any child, such as exposing them to the drug itself.

The biggest regret I have is knowing now just how much of the drug I may have actually exposed my children to. We smoked it, and I didn't know that the smoke left a residue on everything it touched. I thought that because we always locked the kids out of the room, or waited until they were asleep, and always aired out the room before they came in, that it was fine.

I have so much guilt for it all, and it spills over into so many ridiculous parts of my life. It has been 5 years and yet the guilt is still as fresh as if they just came home yesterday.

I stopped using the day I was arrested and they were taken. I went from strung out, homeless, and broke to being totally clean, having a home and a car, with my children in it, in 6 months. I have never once relapsed. I have so many affirmations, but I just can't seem to let go of the guilt.

Their are some a$$hole people in my life who like to remind me of all my faults and give me no credit at all. I need to chose very carefully who I keep around me and my children. I need to forgive myself and move on, so that I can be the best parent I can be. I have a lot to be thankful for and people who love me and encourage me instead of bringing me down, now I just need to quit bringing myself down.

"I forgive myself for all of the mistakes I have made and am letting go and moving forward as of today, Wednesday, May 04, 2011"

30 Days of Truth- Day 02 - Something you love about yourself.

My determination and strength.

If I make up my mind that something is going to happen, then watch out! Do I change my mind a lot? YES! but I always do so after a lot of thought and consideration. There is always an amazing amount of determination to all of my intentions.... whether I intend to procrastinate or intend to transform a whole room, if I intend to make a change or if I demand that I want something to stay the same.

I find myself to be very strong when I come up against the situations I fear the most. I actually work best and accomplish the most when provoked by stress. The downfall is that I am not very content when things stand still and I get mistaken for liking drama, when in fact it makes me crazy. I think being bipolar actually causes me to have a sensitive fight or flight mechanism.

I consider myself to be very strong because I wake up everyday and face, what can be, a debilitating mental illness. I chose the life of parenting, despite all of the challenges I brought to the table, and I have overcome so many challenges and losses in my life, but when I think there is nothing left to give, I find a way.

30 Days of Truth- Day 01 - Something you hate about yourself.

I do not live enough of my life for me.

I spend a lot of time suffering in silence... wishing for more "me" time... wishing I had an identity that was more my own. I have too much empathy and put myself in other people's shoes all the time. Then I take a step further and think it is my responsibility to keep everyone happy.  Yes, part of it is just what mothers do, but for me it is far far far outside of the norm.

I don't know what music I like anymore because there is always someone else around who just has to hear their music. I don't know what my fashion style is because I rarely buy myself clothes. I haven't had a haircut in years and I color my own hair. I haven't decorated a room in my house or bought anything for my Unicorn collection in MANY years. You get the idea? The worst part is that I haven't had any personal goals, in at least 3 years, because I was too busy helping everyone create and accomplish their goals.

I became self-reliant to a fault and stopped needing people. I started over extending myself out of guilt. I created a monster because now all of my closest relationships are one-way streets. I have a few friends that  wouldn't let me just give, and I hope they know who they are, because they have saved me from myself on several occasions.

I don't understand why it is that when things spiral out of control, they always spiral downhill at a really fast pace, but getting them in control is a long, slow, uphill battle. I am now in a position of taking back things that were mine to begin with, that I freely gave away without knowing better, and it is upsetting the people closest to me, because they are so used to me taking care of me AND them. I am having to face rejection when I ask for something I deserve, but I can't let that pain force me back into taking care of everyone all the time, and I hate it.