then what?

What happens when you have so much to say that you are bursting at the seams? What happens when you walk around like a blog waiting to happen and you have so many feelings and thoughts waiting to explode through your keyboard into the minds of others? Sometimes I am at a loss for words (lol ok rarely!) ... others I feel like I may never shut up. What if I blogged 3 times a day?

then what?

"I'm excited toooo"

I am not sure, but I think that quite possibly 2 year olds must be the most joyful entertaining creature in the world... quite likely by design in order to make up for the moments when you want to pull your hair out and hide from them!

My (almost) 2 year old, Victorya, definitely pulls on my happy heart strings all the time. Her beautiful little perfect curls are always swaying happily whether she be singing her cutest ever version of "Happy Birthday" (she sings it in a looong heavy voice that sounds like Marilyn Monroe when she serenaded J.F.K), or whether she is reaching on her tippy toes to throw the poor kitten over the banister, flailing 15 feet to the ground, much to Victorya's delight.

It is almost impossible to get mad at her when her bright beautiful eyes bat at you and she shrugs her little shoulders, her little chubby fingers entwined on her lap.

Luckily for me, she provides many more moments filled with joy and laughter- the kind of deep heart felt belly laughs that leave you in tears and grasping for breath.

At this point, she seems to learn or mimic something new several times a day. Sponge is an understatement. Chamois, is more like it. She picks up on everything. Of course as a parent you have to always be aware that little ears are present, because you never really know how much goes in, but can'y quite come out in verbal expression yet.

Today we were eating lunch at a restaurant while the older kids were in school. It was me and my husband and Victorya. We ordered our meals and ordered her mac and cheese and went out on a limb and got her mandarin oranges.

See, Victorya is a picky eater. I always believed that a picky eater was a direct result of parents that allowed their children too many options. My older children ate ANYthing as children- and still do. Victorya is different. She has a huge sensitivity to weird textures; things that are slimy, too wet, leafy, etc. She also will not eat ANYthing green. Not even green candy. We have tried letting her go hungry when she refused whole meals because of thier vegetable content and she has a will of iron! She will skip a meal and then still decline at the next meal if it does not appease her.

We have even gone so far as to hide one, I repeat, ONE pea in her pasta, or mashed potatoes, and without fail she will discover it and spit it out. We have had to quit doing this because now she doesn't trust us and must look through every bite to make sure there is no single, super secret pea. We are on what seems like an endless journey to find whatever fruits and vegetables we can that she will eat.

So back to our lunch. Lunch arrives and she quickly takes her fork and stirs through the mac and cheese meticulously checking for peas. Then she takes one little slice of mandarin orange and picks it up and inspects it. Of course both me and my husband are almost holding our breath, yet still trying to converse as normal, while looking out the corner of our eyes. She puts it to her nose and smells it (gasp) and then she puts it to her toungue...... and...... and.... our hopes are dashed. She makes that horrible face and quickly dismisses the orange...... sigh.

By the end of the meal, I decide I do not want to let her oranges go to waste and start picking at them. In one last desperate attempt, I try reverse psychology.

"YuuuuuuuuuMMMM! These are the BEST oranges I have EVER had! They are soooooooooo yummy and they are MINE!" I say with as much expression and exaggeration as I can.

I see her get that look on her face. The one when another child picks up her favorite toy and begins to play with it as if it were their very own. The one that says, "um excuse me, what do you think you are doing?"

My husband quickly follows suit and picks up his own delectable little mandarin orange and begins to engage in his own wonderful display of parental drama.

We are both so full of anticipation that I can hardly stand it. Slowly her chubby little finger reaches into the bowl and her hand fully occupies it. She doesn't want us in HER oranges. We both show our sadness and disappointment that we cannot eat any more delicious oranges.

....and then ....she picks one up ...still staring at us both suspiciously. Slooooowly she takes the orange and again she smells it. My husband again pronounces his undying LOVE of yummy oranges, and then...... and then....... she puts it in her mouth..... and she CHEWS it.... and she SWALLOWS it!

OMG, I almost want to cry. I actually feel a little bit of tears welling in my eyes. I look at my husband, who is happy, but obviously not as emotional as I am, because now he is looking at me like I hid a pea in his potatoes. I quickly try to recover from the moment and start explaining to him that I am just so happy we found a fruit that she likes. I explain how its a huge step and maybe we can get her to try some other things.... seeing that he is still astounded by my emotional enthusiasm, I finally say, "I am just so excited she is eating fruit."

Victorya looks at us both, a mandarin orange in both hands, her chubby cheeks bursting with mandarin oranges, her mouth almost too full to let the words escape past the oranges and says, "I'm so excited, toooooooooooooo!"

wasted lives

Can a life ever truly be wasted? Can any life's worth ever be determined? Only to the individual making that determination. In perhaps what is my idea of the worst example of a life being wasted. A mother feels she must kill her infant daughter after a normal healthy pregnancy and birth, because said daughter cannot contribute in the right way for the needs of the mother's current family or society. This is a practice both current and of many many years past.

Will nothing ever come from this one individual little life lost? Maybe the mother will look back on the time she shared with that child in her tummy and it will mean something one day. Her society continues to fail and the same men of the same society- the surviving infant boys themselves- begin to fail and lose lives. Maybe she will never look back and that life lost will have to be more the value of what that loss meant. Maybe the disposed of little remains will be discovered one day, and they will affect the person who found them in a profound way.

Some people get to a point where their past choices leave them zero choice in what their life means. Prisoners, addicts (and I mean all types- food, sex, substance, work, etc), victims of abuse. The difference between these people and the infant girl who's life's fate was decided for her, is that every moment that they are here is a chance to make a different choice. A chance to to take a step towards making a difference- to themselves, to a loved one, to a stranger. Does a person have to want to affect others for it to happen? Obviously not. Even negative choices and what many people would call a "waste of life" can have a positive effect on someone else. Sometimes they may not even know they affected anyone at all- even when they are dead and gone.

Where am I going with this? Well as I have written it, I realize there are many things that all of this means to me, but I am going to stick to why I originally started this today. I am still wondering, what gives anyone any jurisdiction to decide the value of a life? I am getting increasingly aggravated by all of the propaganda that is continuing to lead this country around like a stray dog. American people are hungry to have something, to eat, and to belong somewhere.

Why is it that only the people with some sort of social class, societal standing, prestigious job, money, or that are working and paying taxes seem to have a voice? Everyone says Obama isn't listening. Maybe your right, maybe he isn't. MAYBE he is working hard to be a VOICE for people that cannot speak for themselves... people working 2 jobs to barely take care of their kids, people who have no paid time off, and no health insurance and wouldn't be able to pay their rent if they missed two days of work to go to a government protest, much less the money to get a flight, take a road trip, find a sitter, and eat, while traveling to Washington D.C. so that their own voice can be heard.

Now I realize, there is likely to already be a a new perception and perhaps judgement of what I am saying. People tend to get judged simply by association. I have just made an association with Obama that is likely to get me labeled rather quickly. Thing is, I am not ready to have a political association. I like playing devil's advocate, and opening up the possibilities of a situation and I definitely have my own opinions which I am absolutely entitled to. That being said, I have no right to JUDGE.

It is much easier to think of MY self, MY health care, MY Social Security, MY taxes and what I need. I personally don't have that option. I am one of the people who has mixed feelings about the government and likely always will. I am one of the many many Americans caught in middle class society, with student loan debts and a worthless degree in this economy. My husband works full time, but has no health insurance benefits available. I want a promising future for my family, but at what cost?

Can I be proud of a government that has covered up all the people still suffering since Hurricane Katrina that are still displaced, some still not knowing where their family got misplaced, if they even made it at all? People that don't get to decide if they go to a woman gynecologist or the best specialist accross the country and how much their outrageous copay for these things will be, because they have NO health insurance and they won't be able to afford ANY Dr.? Children going without basic healthcare. What happens when one of these children get Leukemia at age 5. Do you think, even with all of the foundations, mostly started by people that were busily working away at the American dream, when their own child was taken from them, that there is ever enough help to treat all of these children? Does it only matter if it is YOUR child?

I feel a constant sense of "only the strong survive" vs. moral obligation. What really IS best? ....and is the question even asking me or you what is best, or is it really what is best for the "people" as a whole?

I, unfortunately cannot rely on this country to help me raise my children. I cannot look to any one mortal man or woman for destroying my future or giving me hope. I fear that people really are so hopeless that they allow themselves to fall victim to propaganda and do not take the time to educate themselves and their loved ones.

I see people using their control in government positions of all levels, to fulfill their own inner emptiness. I also see people bursting forth with wholeness and goodness, taking the extra step to give back to society. Often times these same two people may work side by side.... passed the same background check, winning resume on file, equal salaries, equal responsibility, equal amount of power over another person or people. What is the chain of command that allowed for yet another person to judge their character? Who has decided that their opinions and motives are more valuable than yours or mine?

I challenge myself daily to ask myself, "What am I? Who am I? What do I want to be?" I also humble myself by asking "Who am I to judge?"

This reminds me of something my grandpa explained to me when I was little...

Whenever we went to church, my grandpa put $1 in the offering plate. Never did anyone question his judgement in doing so. Whenever my grandpa saw a beggar at a corner, he gave them $1. Everyone questioned his judgement in doing so.

One night when we were sitting and talking, he explained it to me. He said, "It is not my place to judge. I do not give $1 away because I expect something. I give it because I have it to give. My family has everything that they need and I have something extra. I do not know any better where the $1 in the offering basket goes, then I do where the $1 I give to the beggar goes. The intention to help someone is still the same."

I think I feel the same way about my taxes.

Just Today but....

This proves to be a forever changing and learning and growing experience... just when I thought I had something pegged or wanted to say this or that, I find someone who has it down differently. Is my fault reading and growing and learning before teaching or the exact opposite? Maybe. I am going to take it back a minute. I am going to quit worrying about the who's, why's, and what's, and how they might make me someone, and start building on these great relationships newly presented. Take me as you will :)

simply extreme.... or extremely simple?

To me its a little bit of both.

What could be better than waking up to the sunrise.... crawling out of my tent or camper.... taking a fresh breath of air in a new place.... making a fire and some coffee and getting ready to face the day after a great night of camping?

Doing it for a year.

even better?

Doing it for a year before I am older and retired, taking the whole family, and home schooling the kids while we travel around the US.

That's the plan.

8 mos away and counting....

What's my logic?

We have moved around a lot in the last 5 years and the kids have switched schools often. I have yet to be impressed with any of the schools they have been to and have been even less impressed with the social demands for kids of their age.

Whenever morals and values started to be replaced with designer jeans and name brand sneakers is probably when you lost me.

When I think of the most valuable things from my past, I think of conversations with my grandpa. I think of a neighbor that brought soup to the fence for our dinner because she knew we needed it. I think of the days each of my children were born.

I had a lot of "things." My grandpa always spoiled me to attempt to make up for all that I had lost. What he never knew is he did that just by being there for me.

I don't want to give my kids a lot of "things."

I want to give them memories. I want to give them experience. I want to teach them how to be responsible and competent.

I have never understood why so many parents seem to chose over compensating with material things instead of time or they "fix" everything for their kids to make the family appear complete and competent. The Dad that always pays for the best lawyer, but was too busy making the money to pay for that lawyer to teach his son why it's not okay to drink and drive in the new expensive car Daddy bought to make his son look cool. The mother that cleans her kids' rooms and does all their laundry and then is frustrated when they expect it.

It is only through my weaknesses that I have become strong. I would never hope for an easy life for my kids. I wish them trial and error. I wish them sadness so that they can learn how to make themselves happy. I am not here to do everything for them, but to guide them as they learn how to do for themselves.

I cannot wait to show them that there is so much more to life than what they see everyday.