Recognition and Thank You's, MIA, Life Happens- a blogging medley

I have been away from home and the computer for a few days. My husband's cousin is moving and we stayed a couple of nights with him helping, hanging out, and checking out the amenity's at his new place. Indoor pool and steam room, HELLO! It was a nice break and now we will be taking another break for the Holiday tomorrow. 


I am still catching up on all of my reading. I did want to take a moment to thank LisaC at Loving and Parenting an Addict and Barbara who can now be found at Recovery Happens for the lovely Loyalty Awards! Two lovely awards from to wonderful women! If you haven't already done so, take a little trip over to their blogs for some wonderful and honest insight into their life journeys, parenting addicts, among other things. Thank you so much girls!!! 

I will pass these awards along after the Holidays, as I just passed along another award and I think people might be rather busy like I am at this time of year. 


I wanted to share some of the things I have been thinking about over the last few days and some of the new developments in my life. As we narrow in on our big adventure, the dreaminess of it all has started to fade some, and the realities of planning are now in force. We have started selling things in the house. We are in the middle of going through all of our clothes and getting rid of what we don't need (I am even taking the time to donate the usable ones!). I have let the landlord know we are moving out January 1st and we are figuring out if we will downsize to a 2 bedroom for 6 mos or will move in with Bryson's aunt to save money. 


Today we went and LOOKED at campers for the first time. I scour craigslist on a daily basis, but to actually go look at some, made it feel so REAL! His cousin gave us some of his camping gear that he uncovered in his move. I have been gathering boxes and organizing and condensing things around the house. It is all happening.  


Another of the big happenings is that I finally am going to finish my degree! It is just my Associates of General Studies, but I have been 5 classes away from graduating for over 5 years now. No one in my family has ever gone to college and the 3 semesters that I have completed were when I was widowed with small children. It is a huge life dream for me to continue my education. Finishing it before our trip will be such an accomplishment. It also means that when we settle down again (IF we do!) that I am ready to go into whatever coursework, for whatever field I finally choose, with NO MORE general studies!!! YAY!


Life has not all been gravy. There are several different people in the family that are coexisting with drama, addiction, unhealthy relationships, and shaky futures. I feel fortunate that we are not entwined in that web anymore, but it is still painful to be helpless onlookers. My emotions really run the board with empathy (I have been there), hope (anyone can change), fear (some people never do), and sadness (we cannot help anymore).


Part of me mourns the loss of connection with people, but realizing that the type of isolation we have chosen is healthy and comfortable for us, and has likely saved us from ourselves, brings solace. 


I am thankful for:


-opportunity and the ability within myself to create it


-freedom from fear


-the ability to forgive myself


-the wonderful people that grace me with their presence in life- cyber presence included!


I think all of those things can be applied to every little detail in some form. 


Happy Thanksgiving!

Dear Sweet Child

Following in the footsteps of Susan who took upon herself the challenge set forth by Lori of writing her younger self a letter, I am here to attempt my own. I am a little afraid because I do not venture back so much anymore, but after seeing before my eyes, the very nature of writing's therapeutic essence, I am going to give it a try.


I felt that the time when I most needed a letter was when I was 7 years old, the day before my mother committed suicide, the day when everyone stopped talking to me the same.





Dear Sweet 7 year old Shawna,


I know it has been a long three days wondering where your mom is. I wish I could tell you she will be with you soon. Tomorrow you are going to get the most devastating news a little girl can hear and you will never be the same. I can't change it or fix it. Some things are beyond our control. It is not your fault. You are going to think you will never understand how she could leave you. You are going to think that you will never be able to forgive her.I know how much you love her and I want you to know that she loves you more. It will be a long and treacherous road for the better part of 15 years, but I want you to know you will be okay.


One day you will have children and you will be faced with so much pain and agony from all of the choices and consequences that spiraled your life out of control following tomorrow's events. One day when you are 25, you will be crying so hard you cannot breathe and you will be holding 10 little pills that are waiting to end your life. Then you will understand your mother's pain. For an agonizing couple of hours, you will mentally walk in her shoes, feel her pain, and relive every moment of love and loss that can be experienced in a mother/child relationship. You will play the child and the mother. You will grieve for both of them. 


You will choose to surrender to living instead of dying on that day. You will forgive your mother and you will see new light, for it is her life lost that saved your own. Had you not experienced what you are about to tomorrow morning, you would not have realized the irreplaceable void that ending your own life would have left your own children. You will come to appreciate your mother's life for what it was and wasn't and you will take it all with you into your own journey of motherhood.


Deciding to live, will however not be the easy choice. Your steps from that point on will be slowly moving forward through confusion and darkness and you will experience even more loss. Your choices will not always be good and you will use substances and sexuality in really harmful ways. You will fail your children at one point and you will again walk yourself to death's door. Your own suicide letter will save you and the writer in you will become alive.


You will face some of the most extreme hardships and will give true meaning to rock bottom. You will see unrecognizable horrors within yourself, through the blurred vision of meth addiction. Yes, its true. Unlike the familiar times of death, you will wish for life and you will fight for it. I wish that I could tell you that there is a way to change any of the pain that is about to commence, but there is not. Please do not be afraid. You will become exactly who you are meant to be. You will realize love in all of its capabilities. You will emerge a capable and beautiful woman and you will be thankful for every experience life has given you. 


Please sleep tight tonight, Shawna. Tonight is the last peaceful night you will have for a very long time. For tonight your innocence will slip away in the middle of the night and be lost, but not forever. What is lost, will most assuredly be found, and you will become life's explorer.You will create a wonderful existence and  you will find beauty in the face of tragedy.  Tonight an angel whispers "sweet dreams, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite" before her eternal sleep. She loves you.


Love,
your 31 year old self

From Me to You Award... My first!

I received this award from Susan at Weaving A Life. I appreciate it so much... Thank You!
The rules are as follows:
1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!


So 7 things you don't know about me. Wow I am too much of an open book. What are my secrets?


1. I used to be so extremely desperate to have cinematic memories as a youth and teen, that I would set the stage for many events obsessively, by compiling the perfect atmosphere of music, lighting, where I should take pictures from, how I should smile and what I would say (and hope would be said back), and that write about it in my diary as if it "just happened." Whew it was hard work!

2. I can fix most anything in a household. This is due to many years of being a single mother with little income. I have installed toilets, sinks, a garbage disposal, fixed and replaced drains, replaced light fixtures, converted a whole house of old outlets to grounded ones (and shocked the sh*t out of myself! LOL), and can operate all power and lawn tools.

3. I can cook just about anything and usually replicate food I have eaten without a recipe. The only thing I ever measure out is dessert baking recipes. I won second place in a chili contest at my husband's work last year.

4. I am a huge procrastinator (think the power getting shut off because I didn't want to call and pay the bill-even when I had the money!), but I am always early for appointments.

5. I am tone deaf and if I tried to sing it would be worse than the worst karaoke singer you EVER heard!

6. I am learning to parent my kids with concepts from Love and Logic and it is very trying at times but very rewarding. I think I may even like to teach it when my kids need a little less of my time.

7. It took me like a half hour to figure out how to make text linked to a website and I am very excited that I got to use it in # 6. I have been wanting to learn how so I could link to other blogs for a long time, but see #4! It took me like another half hour to think of #7 :)

Now to pass this on (I am excited to practice my new linking text to blogs skill!!!!)

To a wonderful woman that I am proud to call my friend, Barbara at The Needle and the Damage Done You are a wonderful lady full of life's beauty. Sharing in her journey of family addiction, her honesty and genuine spirit gives me a sense of comfort and belonging.

To Jennifer at One True Self, an amazing lady that I feel so connected to and you are one of my best supporters.

Lorenza at Pure Energy, you are next! You are a life poet, your words speak to my soul.

Purposefully Yours (aka xxx) at Spirit is my Drug- Your journey is inspiring and your courage and wisdom in recovery are astounding. I am thankful for the opportunity to follow you.

Dan at Vacant Mind because you remind me to laugh when sometimes I have forgotten to... ok I am lying - you MAKE me laugh and continue to allow me to let my family think I am quite literally insane for laughing at my computer screen. Thank you for your perspective, sarcasm, and humor.

Kim AYRES (I can spell it- I took note for future reference) over at ramblings of the bearded one. You are the first blog I came to EVER and I just haven't been able to leave. You are my muse in blogging and creativity and your life is inspirational and delightful in both joys and sorrows.

And last but definitely not least, Debby at Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story. You are one of my newest inspirations. Your spirit and endurance reflect your love in motherhood.

So go ahead and pass on some blogging appreciation!

addiction, brain chemistry, connections, and substances (unrefined thoughts)

This has been an alien 24 hour period for me. I really have not experienced anything so overpowering and dark in a long time. It was terrifying, but is slowly evolving into empowering.

I am highly aware that meth has long term effects on people. I experience what I can describe as awakenings.  Its sudden "aha" moments where something seems to reconnect. At the height of my meth use, when it was still fun and manageable, I had incredibly heightened self awareness. I had impenetrable self esteem.  I have learned in my recovery that the likes of Hitler as well as the psychologist, Sigmund Freud were meth amphetamine addicts. Its probably a good thing I didn't posses that information when I was actively using, or it would have given me cause to further justify how meth was going to help me realize my mental capabilities. (Euphoria is powerful, and the general effects of meth tend to make you believe that it is helping you, initially anyway- you stop running out of justifiable reasons when the high permanently goes away.)

My mental capacity slowly began to diminish. I never shot up and I never got paranoid or delusional. I spent all my time and money chasing those euphoric times where I was the grandiose star player in my new high game. Instead, I became underweight, malnourished, and sleep deprived. I really felt like I could feel myself internally and mentally disconnecting. I'd stay up STRAIGHT for upwards of 2 weeks, only taking 8 or so hours to sleep and start all over again. There was one time that my kids almost called an ambulance becasue my "tweaker coma" was so severe that I was unresponsive and barely breathing. Maybe my body was seeking eternal rest.

I was completely unaware of any mania or depression. It was just high or coming down. That seemed so much simpler. I have to work for my emotions being bipolar. Abusing meth was simply: I had it and I felt ok or I didn't and I felt like dying. Totally under my control, no work, no thoughts.

Fear, desperation, lack of hope, isolation... only drove me to want to make them go away- hence why people use again and again. I quit using in an instant. The instant my children were taken away. There were no ifs and or anythings. That was one price I was NOT going to pay.

I found myself in what a lot of people consider a dark place. In jail, withdrawing, separated for the first time in my life from my children, broke, and homeless. (jail was home for 7 days followed by literal homelessness) Amazingly for me, it was the first peace and light I had seen in months. It was so emotionally and physically painful at times, but it was REAL, it didn't cost anything, and it was the first time I had really seen light in months. Learning to take the bus was one of the most empowering things I have ever done. (can you see how I was enabled in the past?)

I immediately realized that I did not have the same mental function as I did before. Beautiful words and phrases seemed to have been kicked out of my vocabulary for more common ones of that time. I had a cheat sheet in my pocket of weights and prices of meth so that I would not get "burned" and soon I could easily tell you what "10 cents" or and "8 ball" or a "teener" were. My list of professionals included a lawyer and a bondsman, and my dealer. Who needed a Dr. or a dentist? I still feel the effects of that lost beauty and search hard for my words.

Obviously it has been a long road since those times, but I still feel like I am not fully reconnected. The urge to use has long been gone, but the damage done is still being repaired.When you forget to water a plant, parts of it die. When you remember again and you try and try and try to undo the harm you have caused, some parts just never come back. New parts grow, and the plant lives on. You have to let go of the dead parts so they do not suffocate the new growth.



I decided to look up the effects of oxycontin. As I have said, opiates have never been something I have used or know anything about. I do however remember what the chemical parts of addiction and withdrawal felt like. It was not a connection I appreciated having so recently. Especially since I wasn't breaking any rules or abusing a substance. It was given to me, easy as candy, in an ER.

According to several online sources, oxycontin can produce withdrawals as quickly as 6 hours and that last upwards of 7 days and are very similar to heroin withdrawal. I cannot say I blame my feelings of the last 24 hours on the oxyconyin exclusively, but I do feel like it must have been a contributing factor.

I think it was comparable to a plant being neglected for a very short period of time. The leaves begin to wilt; fear of past damage surfaces. The plant is watered and cared for, and it quickly bounces back and resumes a healthy growth pattern; fear subsides and life goes on.

I feel empowered by this experience. In all reality, had opiates been my substance of choice, I think this would have been equal to what relapse feels like. I realize how much stronger I am and how much I enjoy and desire a clear picture in my life.

I also feel a sense of rage that substances like that are legal and prescribed, often without a clear patient history of risk.

I cannot express the gratitude I have for the community and support I find here. I haven't been able to express anything at all related to my drug use other than on this blog and to Bryson. It was a lonely recovery for us. I feel safe and supported here and it is new and enjoyable. I feel lasting connections and look forward to future growth.

The need to surrender

Sometimes the sun just won't shine. I am having a very down day. I am already pulling out the depression tools from my handy little bipolar bag of artillery. Not sure if this is going to start my decent into an actual depression or if it is just one of those days.  My "to do" list is much bigger then my energy for doing. I am struggling with physical pain and insomnia. 

I am being visited by taunting little regrets, painful memories of much different times, and even feeling insecure. Sometimes I just want to surrender and not have to be the family's glue. Sometimes I want to know if someone cares enough to want to fix anything for me. Not that they could or that I would want them to try, but are the intentions there? Does everyone think I am capable of taking care of myself, my relationship, my health, 3 kids and their health, the house, the animals, etc etc etc etc.  I am feeling needy and lonely. Feeling incapable today. The familiar and uncomfortable feeling of expectation is here. Wanting someone else to give me the answers for a while. 

I know that is not the nature of my life. It never has been. I know I will stand on my own two feet and work through this. but.... sometimes all the knowledge in the world just can't fix the way I feel.