Navigating life with an uncertain destination...

sometimes leaves my journey clouded and me disoriented. It is utterly astounding to me how the events around you can truly affect your own path.

I wish I had more positivity to report. As some of you may remember from past posts, Bryson's Uncle P, who was our past drug dealer and partner in crime, got paroled to our house. He had continued on the forgery and meth addiction path for a good time after we had stopped and his consequences included 3 years in prison. His parole here was following that 3 years plus some time in a halfway house.

I had some serious concerns. We had some rules that were not up for compromise. It went well initially. he was working at Subway, had his own insured truck and insurance, and was taking his wife to and from work (she is in a halfway house). Then it became apparent that he was not working. When we asked him about it he said his hours had been cut and he was about to get a job at the emissions department for more money.

In the mean time both me and Bryson got pulled over within a weeks time, and learned that both of our licenses had been revoked for unpaid tickets from the past. Uncle P was willing to get Bryson to work and also started taking the kids to and from school (they usually walk). Seemed like a nice gesture, but he was using our car to take Bryson and then deciding he could just use it the rest of the day. Part of me felt afraid to confront him because we had no other options, until either me or Bryson could get our licences reinstated, to get Bryson to work. His weekend shifts start at 6 am and there are no buses running that early. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just drive his own truck.

After two days I just couldn't take it. I was too afraid of what could possibly happen with our vehicle out of our sight and worried about why he would be driving it. I told him we needed to talk and told him he needed to drive his own truck. Yes we appreciate the rides, but he is not working, he is living here, and he has an insured vehicle. We would be happy to give him gas money for the rides. I also told him I was more comfortable with the kids walking, because I was pretty sure by how he was acting that he was up to no good. I reassured him that we had no tolerance for that in our house and that it would be sooner than later that he would head back to prison if he continued pushing his parole limits.

The next day he took Bryson to work and was not heard from again. He didn't show up at 3 to pick him up. His phone was off. We started calling hospitals and jails about 10 pm. !1pm we get a collect call from him from the city jail. We cannot accept collect calls, but we knew where he was. After a few days of calls and my own investigating here is what I know. He has a new charge of Distribution of a schedule II illegal substance. Distribution means it was either weighed out, he had a scale, or it was such a large amount that it could not be for personal use. There is a 75,000 bond for that charge... yes thousand. He has an out of location for parole with no bond. His truck is in the impound with 3 police holds. One of which is for a hit and run involving an accident and another is for a complete search of the vehicle to look for more drugs.

The best I can take from this is that I followed my gut and am so thankful this did not happen in our car. It is a great learning experience for my 12 year old son and a reminder that helping people cannot come at the cost of my own family's safety. It is also very sad. He is 48 years old. He is supposed to be a role model and someone we can look up to. His wife is going to get out of the halfway house in 10 days and is devastated. We all would of much rather had him working at Subway for $7 an hour than selling drugs to make money. It is sickening.

I am also still sick. I have been to the ER again with the same advice to have an exploratory operation but no insurance and still no appointments for new patients at the clinic.

My son will have his cast off tomorrow and I still have not had any cooperation from the school in getting the parents to help pay for his broken arm. I was told they would send me a school directory and my son could help me figure out if the kids were listed so I could try to contact the parents.

He also got a referral for supposed "gang affiliation" because he and several of his friends "appeared to be all wearing red" on one day and then "appeared to be all in blue" the next day. Are you kidding me? If you knew my son at all and the crowd he hangs with you would find this funny. They are both skaters and hip hop style. Some where basketball jersey's and some wear skinny jeans! Also in case you are unaware, there is no known gang activity happening with 12 year olds in our suburban area that involves changing colors on a daily basis. This is ridiculous.

I am seriously considering homeschooling/unschooling for him next year, but that will have to wait for another post.

The latest and hardest to report update of all, is that night before last my 1 year old kitty was hit by a car. The poor baby drug herself down into our window well (the large kind that allow a person to get out of a basement safely) and then through our window (another 2 feet down) with her whole lower body completely crushed. It is the most painful thing I have ever heard/seen in my life. We rushed her to the vet and there was no hope for her life, only to stop her suffering. She was medicated and loved and then we had no choice but to let her go.

I am so thankful she made it home but I am still in agony over the suffering she endured. I am glad she felt love before she left instead of dying alone in the street. My 2 year old saw her and heard her cry out in pain and she was devastated. It was so unbearable.

I am still teary more often than not. I miss her so much and I am so sad.

Sorry I can't be here more, but obviously life has some things for me to tend to right now. Miss you all so much and I am about halfway caught up on everyone's blogs. Trying to balance my physical pain with my emotional pain and my mothering responsibilities. Thinking of you all as some of your journeys turn positive while others are still struggling.

"No one ever said life would be easy, they just said it would be worth it." ~author unknown

Blog Song and Dance

I have become increasingly aware of how the blogging world changes for us all. To me it reminds me of song and dance. Sometimes we are feeling at our best and we can dance all night long, so caught up in the moment, we hardly notice how the night just flew by. Sometimes we aren't in the mood or we tire too easily, and so we have to sit a few songs out. Some people decide that going out dancing doesn't fit in with their current lifestyle or doesn't bring the same enjoyment it used to and they stop going.

... and so come the same feelings with blogging. I was kind of shocked and sad to see a few of my favorite people moving on, but realized the bittersweetness of growth. I was also feeling guilty that I have been neglecting to write or comment. In examining my priorities and what is going on in my life, I feel that writing here must be on my terms and when I feel right. My Sacred Insanity was created with the intention of just getting things out. Over time I think it has evolved to be a more in depth story of my past and how I have become who I am today, especially as it relates to addiction and how it almost destroyed me. Right now I need to take a little break from sharing so much, because I am involved in evolving in the present, as I am presented with new life challenges as a parent.

Addiction and loss kind of engulfed My Sacred Insanity and I realized that was okay. I never realized my sharing would help anyone other than me. It just isn't ALL of who I am. I created Acute Verbal Sabbatical as a place where I could share more of me today, and could write in my present struggles and happiness. Every time I want to post, I want to do it here because of the comfort of the people who comment and feel support and give support. I have realized that this isn't the right place for my everyday ramblings and I need some consistency in what is here. 

With that being said, I feel more comfortable saving this space for the right things at the right time. I know when I need to sit a few out. I haven't decided to give up dancing. If you don't see me sharing the music of my soul here, I might just be dancing in my kitchen with my kids over at Acute Verbal Sabbatical.

In case you were wondering...

I have not felt like writing and have been feeling pretty busy and unmotivated lately. I think we are still recovering from spring break with all 3 kids home all day. We are still adjusting to my husband's schedule working days after 3 years of him working nights. The weather has ranged from blizzards to 80 degree days, and back, several times in the past few weeks.

We have had car troubles and I got pulled over and didn't know my license was cancelled for some reason. Not sure if it's a traffic ticket I didn't take care of from back when I was too high to care, or if it's related to my identity being stolen, also back when I was too high to care.

We are sponsoring Bryson's uncle who is on parole. Ironically he used to be our drug dealer and literal partner in crime. When we got arrested and started working our way back out of the hell hole we created, he continued on the wrong path and wasn't so lucky to get probation. He got out over a year ago but still hadn't learned and went right back to selling dope and violated parole in the halfway house. This time he has made it through a more intensive inmate rehabilitation program than he had to. He finished his time in the halfway house and now he needs somewhere to live. The sad reality and irony is that there are no other family members that are clean and can promise to provide a home free from weapons and drugs, but we can. 

I have to admit I am a little nervous, but we have clarified that we are not the one's who need him here and that anything perceived as risky for our family or that is in anyway violating his parole, means we will report him and and revoke his sponsorship. He is doing random ua's and ba's and should he fail even one it would send him back to prison so there is some comfort in that. Feels kind of weird to be on this side. 

I am still struggling with extreme bouts of insomnia which in turn cause me to feel exhausted all the time and I feel short and irritable with my kids. Still waiting for word on our health insurance application so that I can hopefully get to the root of it all.

Taking things one moment at a time and feeling pretty content with that because it allows me to live with hope for a better moment, despite my emotional and physical discomforts of this moment.

Introducing.....

.... my newest addition....  Acute Verbal Sabbatical

unexpected

I'm not in the right place to continue my last series of posts just yet. It is a genuine place of existence that deserves to be portrayed in my coherent reality of that time. Although I have healed, and my broken heart has been repaired, the feelings of visiting that broken heart cannot be endured on a continuous basis. Amazingly so, sharing the birth and death of two chapters in my life has opened me up to the possibility of adding another blog. One that is more for my raw and explicit feelings, often stirred from writing. I didn't think I could manage one blog.

I guess much like the mother who gives her all to her first child, pregnant with her second, and finds it incomprehensible that she can equally devote to another, I realize that I have more to say, and just like I grew a whole 'nother heart for each of my children, so shall come the inspiration for my other blog.

Look forward to a new addition (funny I mistyped that addiction the first time, ha!) as well as a continuation of my last post.