30 Days of Truth - Day 13 - An artist or song that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

I don't know who the letter is supposed to be to.... the band? Just seems weird. So like everything else in my world, I am going to take this post and make it mine and just write about a few specific songs that got me through some tough times. There are many so I am going to limit myself to three.

The first song is "Lean on Me,"  and not the older version by Bill Withers, but the remake by Club Nouveau. My grandfather loved this song, the new version- he was such a hip Grandpa. lol He always loved songs because of words that he took personally. No matter how hard the days we faced were, and they sure were hard, he always had a way of letting me know he loved me, he would be there for me, and that it was going to be ok.

This song was one of those ways. I can still remember his smile perfectly. His warm gentle blue eyes that normally hard and stern, would melt when he looked at me, and they told me I was his world. I hear this song and I almost feel his hand on my shoulder, gently pushing me to sway back and forth, urging me to dance along with him, and he would smile so sheepishly, and tell me I could always lean on him. Oh and we would be jammin'!

I played this song at his funeral. It gave me great comfort, and even today when I hear it, I know how much I still lean on him. I look back to the comfort he gave me, the things he provided, and the round about way that only my grandpa could love someone, and I feel strong. This song got me through some hard times without my Mom and Grandma and through losing my Grandpa.

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's
Always tomorrow

Lean on me
When you're not strong
And I'll be your friend (I'll be your friend)
I'll help you carry on (lean on me)
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill
Those of your needs
That you won't let show

Lean on me
When you're not strong
And I'll be your friend (I'll be your friend)
I'll help you carry on (lean on me)
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me
When you're not strong (when you're not strong)
And I'll be your friend (I'll be your friend)
I'll help you carry on (lean on me)
For, said, it won't be long (won't be too long)
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

We be jammin'
We be jammin' (hey now)
We be jammin'

We be jammin'
We be jammin'

We be jammin'
We be jammin' (hey)

We be jammin'

(just call me) uh, when you need a friend
(call me) oh, baby now
(call me) uh, when you need a friend
(call me) oh, baby now
(call me) uh, when you need a friend
(call me) oh, baby now...

For your listening pleasure, here is the song:




The next song is very dark to me, well because I was in a dark place.


" I smoke the whole thing to my head, and feel it wash away,
cause I can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart"

Those words, in my head, as I was getting high on meth, meant someone else out there was doing the same thing and felt the same way as me, and that there was hope for me.

"I am nothing more than a little boy (girl) inside, that cries out for attention,
yet I always try to hide, cause I talk to you like children, though I don't know how I feel,
but I know I'll do the right thing- if the right thing is revealed"

These words meant that I was waiting for a revelation that I hadn't found yet, but that once it happened I would be all over it- giving myself permission to keep getting high.

Here is the song- with lyrics:





I saved the best for last. This song is so important to me. When I heard it, my kids had just been taken away from me and placed with my grandma. I was only about 2 weeks clean. The words impacted me so hard immediately, that they caused me to cry in deep sobbing cries. The words are so fitting as I interpreted them, that I swore this song was meant for me. I didn't see the video and know the way they had meant it, until years later. I am going to post the lyrics, and anything in purple will be my interpretation or feelings as I heard the song the first time. Some will be self explanatory. I am in tears now as I listen to the song.

"Far Away"

This time, This place - us separated from the kids
Misused, Mistakes - their trust in us and our authority and responsibility misused by us, mistakes we made
Too long, Too late - too long we used drugs, too late to say sorry because they are gone
Who was I to make you wait - pretty much says it all
Just one chance - just one, I promise is all I need, I won't let you down again
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long - they had been with her for about 2 weeks, the longest in their lives I had ever ever gone without seeing them, and it was KILLING ME
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore - I would stop breathing if I never saw them again

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up- couldn't be more perfectly said
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long - I so desperately needed to know that they knew I loved them, and that they would forgive me
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore - I wanted them to know it would never happen again
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go 



I actually bought the cd and gave it to them and told them which song they had to listen to. I knew my son would understand, but I asked him to please take the words to heart, and to listen to it with my daughter and try to explain it to her.


I kept my every word and worked the hardest I have ever worked. I pulled myself up from the gutter and in 6 months I had my beautiful babies back home with me.


It's a beautiful song, take a listen:

Someone who drifted..... A New Beginning

I must apologize for the sudden halt to my 30 Days of Truth. A lot of things going on, and well, when you have three kids you just never know what could happen.

This weekend, I initiated a last minute BBQ with my Dad. He asked that we come to his house. My brother and his wife were there, along with their 2 year old son. I had all 3 of my kids with me, which is unusual now that the older two are 11 and 13.

Surprisingly, my Grandma Judy, who I just wrote about here, was at my Dad's house! Talk about timing! Then even more amazing.... when I asked what she has been doing to keep herself busy, she said she has been trying to write her book!!!! Oh how I would love to read a whole book filled with words of my Grandma's! To learn more about her, and about her life and experiences! She told me she needed to write about some of the things that happened around her as a girl growing up in a very racist Texas town. I was mesmerized! It really inspired me.

She had so many kind words for me, about not worrying about who I might incriminate in my writing, and that anyone worth knowing would fully support me no matter what! She also made an acknowledgement of my own childhood suffering and experience and the need for me to share it. She recounted back some of the most significant things that happened to me- through her perspective- and it was so amazing for me to know she even knew about me or what had happened to me.

We exchanged numbers, and I am so excited to get together with her again and talk some more. I don't believe in much, but it is sure hard to believe that some things aren't more than coincidence.

30 Days of Truth - Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.

Something that I never get compliments on is having cute clothes.

When I was really fat, I had a very very large wardrobe, no pun intended. I was the same size for many years - a 28 in womens, which was the largest size you could get in stores. I might also mention that the 28s at Walmart and Target run small, and I could only fit in the clothes at Lane Bryant or Torrid. ANYWAY, for several of those years I had no children and lived at home, so it was really easy to spend money on myself. I also had a super-wonderful-awesome-grandpa that took me shopping all the time and I always got gift cards for clothes for my birthday and Christmas.

When I was 19, I got a job at Lane Bryant. They gave you an initial allowance of like $500 to get a work wardrobe.  Plus, getting a huge discount, I really stocked up- and since it was a requirement that I wear their clothes while on the job, I had a good reason to buy clothes. I found out I was pregnant not long after starting, and since I was high risk, I couldn't work anymore.

I started working at Ulta and going to school after being a stay at home mom for 2 and a half years. I made an awesome friend/shopping/lunch buddy at school and whenever I got paid, or got funding from my student loans, I always treated myself to some clothes.

Then I had my gastric bypass surgery and lost weight very quickly. I couldn't keep up with buying clothes for my dropping sizes, and I had no choice but to part with my big beautiful clothes. It was so bittersweet, because I had some damn sexy and cute clothes for a fat girl!

My weight went waaaay down then came back up, then stopped for a while, then back up, and now slowly going down. I just cannot afford treating myself to the expensive cute clothes that I want. I am still plus sized right now, and I am soooo very tall, that I have a hard time finding pants without paying full price at mall stores. I settle for finding what I can at thrift stores, taking hand me downs from my hubby to lounge around in, and every once in a great while I get something from Burlington. It is always hit or miss at that store and they usually have nothing when I have a little money, and they have cute stuff that I want so bad when I am broke. Figures. LOL

Being a stay at home mom of three just doesn't afford the luxury of a great wardrobe right now. Maybe since I am going back to school and getting financial aid again.... and I even qualify for work study (YAY YAY YAY), I can make it a point to get some clothes for myself every time I get funded? We will see.

So that was a pretty long boring post, that I had to drag out of myself, but hey, it is writing and I am sticking to my 30 day challenge- so GO ME!!!

30 days of Truth - Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Okay really? Who wants to answer this?
Ok, Shawna, think *challenge* think *truth* think *quit whining and do it*

Well here I am after some self talk, and hmmm, something people compliment me on the most?

I want to say people compliment me the most on how cute, smart, well behaved, and well mannered my 3 year old Victorya is, but I think I will have to give her the credit of being the one complimented.

Sooooo that goes back to me. I guess the thing I hear the most is that I am smart. I definitely do not mean book smart, but when it comes to life situations, I usually have an answer for everything.

Things like legal situations, medical things, childhood illness, taxes, various types of licensing, how to get just about ANY kind of assistance, and also an array of emotional life things. I have just had a lot of experience, and am always wanting to help people have it easier. I am on the internet A LOT, and the majority of the time I am researching. I also thoroughly research anything new I have to do, and I am more than happy to share what I have learned to help save people time or energy.

So there you have it, I get complimented on knowing a lot about a whole lot of general life situations. Too bad there isn't a paid position where I could utilize all my life skills, without my felony getting in the way.

30 Days of truth - Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

The key word on this one is or. I don't wish I didn't know her, at least not all the time, but I do need to let her go.

The person I am talking about is Bryson's younger sister. She is the baby out of his mother's children. She has no children of her own. She was the sister I never had, for quite a while. She is my daughter's favorite aunt. She is about 10 years younger than me. Since I am not going to ask her if I can write about her, I will just call her M.

Things started off on the wrong foot between me and her. Bryson's older sister, C, had already done her part to convince M that I was a horrible person that was going to be bad for him. By the time we finally did get to talking, we both had a lot of misconceptions about each other. Another factor was that M had a very controlling boyfriend and she was raised by her father, so she didn't come around a whole lot. When she started to, I really started liking her. She seemed very genuine and didn't have the common bad characteristics of her older sister and mother, which made them hard to trust and get along with.

We had many a fun times drinking and talking, laughing and crying, and just getting to know each other. Of course there was some of the drama that came along with drinking too much, but for the most part I thought we had a good relationship. We were both there for each other through some different medical things and she continued to be a positive person in my daughter's life.

Then things started to change. She started "dating" someone who was in prison (and that was kind of a complicated situation to begin with, because he has been part of the family before, but I will not go into details). Looking back, I think this is where things started going downhill. I needed to quit drinking and I didn't feel a lot of support from her, but she was getting very preoccupied with her life as a prison girlfriend, and so I didn't hear from her as often in general. I know that she had to be defensive about her choices, but she started being defensive period.

Around the time that I stopped drinking, is when I realized that she had been drinking more, and her tolerance had gone up. The last few times we did try to drink, I was a done deal and in bed long before the night was finished. I hadn't much thought about if our relationship was changing. With all of my good friends, we go through ups and downs and different things change in life, and it isn't a reflection of the friendship, it just changes how much time we talk or spend together. When things come together again, they come together like nothing has changed. I just assumed that was what had happened.

Even though things were looking different for us, I expected them to stay the same for her and my daughter. When they didn't, I made excuses and justifications for it, both to myself and my daughter.  "M is just working." "M is busy taking care of her Dad or Grandma." "M is just busy, period."

More and more, time would go by and she hadn't called to take my daughter for an overnight. She used to take her almost every weekend, sometimes more. Sadly, my daughter had stopped asking for her. I wish we could just go back to that now, because she has major separation anxiety, always wondering if "see you soon" means a really long time.

I started realizing that we were gossiping a lot of the time we were together and I was turning into someone I didn't want to be. It seemed like if we weren't talking about someone, then we didn't have anything to talk about anymore. She was my go to person when I needed to go to the ER (something that was happening a lot), and I talked to her a lot about how hurt I was that her brother didn't go to the hospital with me. It seemed like she really cared, but I started fearing I was just the topic for when she drank with other people in the family. We weren't supporting good things in each other's lives anymore. I thought part of that might have been that she was getting to the party stage in her life and I was just getting old. lol

The thing is, something changed in M, and I am really worried that it is 'cause she is doing meth. There are a lot of things that point to it, and for a long time, I kept saying no way. This is the innocent little sister, the sweet and caring one, the one that was the first to graduate, the one that loves kids, the one who seemed to look up to her brother and love her niece, the one that would never do the things her parents did, that she despised when she was growing up... but reality is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.

I sat side by side with her brother while we did sooooo many things that we said we would never do. A big part of doing them was because we just wanted to have a "family" so bad, and there was a lot of fun to be had getting high with the "family."  I made some serious mistakes when I was doing meth, and I quit when I realized my kids were in harms way. Now I am afraid some of my daughter's behaviors from when she comes home from spending time with her aunt is because she (yes she being my daughter) may actually be coming down from being exposed to meth in some way. I have considered drug testing her on several occasions, but have been afraid of the consequences being severe or of us being suspected because of our past, and of the truth.

I know I am in denial.... who wants to believe that someone they considered a sister and that their daughter sees as a hero, could not only be doing meth, but maybe even exposing a child to it?

I kept telling myself that her new attitude was just her dealing with some of the hard cards life has dealt her, but I think its more than that. She really has crossed the line from defending herself, to just plain out being a bitch.

I have realized that, for now, our friendship is dead. I think she still may want approval from people so bad that she compromises herself. She has also insisted some of her actions in the past had to do with children she so badly wanted to see. I can see now that she is a part of the web of lies that her mom and sister create and uses excuses that sound good to justify bad things. It should be easy for me to let her go, when I see so many negative things, but I miss the relationship we used to have, and I miss when she was consistent in my daughter's life.

Her attitude, her snottiness, and her inconsistency all around, have made it hard for several people to be in her life over the last year. The people she has been hanging out with, are ones that she had identified in the past as not being good for her, so it makes me wonder. To be honest, I am not sure which is worse, that she has changed so much because of drugs (because that sucks if she has them so present in her life....), or if she has actually become the person she is today without drugs, (because then I think there is less hope). If it is because of drugs, then I can hope she will quit doing them, and some of the old qualities that I miss and love about her will come back, and maybe we can be friends again, and she will be more consistent with my daughter one day.

I just need to let go for right now, because the uncertainty of judging how she spends all her time (that is- if she is telling the truth about being too busy), and why she rarely wants to see the baby, and never calls to check on her, and always checking her pupils when she does come for the baby, all are not worth her taking the baby once in a great while. It is also too painful to see Victorya upset for 3 days when she comes home, because she doesn't know when she is going to see her aunt again. I don't know when I will see her again either. Maybe the old her is gone for good.