Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

I didn't try this like you try to lose weight, or like you try giving up something for lent. I was forced to try to live without my kids. I will never know who the coward is that called social services. There were actually some things going on that warranted some help from social services, but no one came forward and offered to help, and almost everyone we knew was doing the worst of the stuff right along with us, but someone made up lies and exaggerated things to expedite a social services sweep and I was forced to try living without my children.

I had a social worker from hell. She was a lesbian with no children and she didn't even want to hear our side of the story, the way she saw it was good kids, druggie parents, easy placement with a foster home, more money coming into the system, good deed for the day done.

What she didn't know is that she was NOT going to take custody of my children and give them away. Bryson and I fought like crazy to prove who we really were. We made it through the toughest of times and drug ourselves out of the gutter we got kicked into. I had to go through 6 of the longest months of my life with my kids living at my grandma's. I could not enjoy anything about my life without them.

30 Days of Truth - Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear Dad,

As an adult, I can now call you Dad without cringing. It is more because of hard work and forgiveness on my part. You are making small strides at being a decent person, son, brother, father, and grandfather. It wasn't always this way.

When I was really small, I have one memory of being in your physical presence. We were at a hotel and I was on the bed, still in diapers. You were there with your boxer, Roxy. My mom laid on the bed with me and I saw you walk out the door with the dog. I know that we were together on more occasions, but I only know because of other's accounts and pictures. Together they don't paint a pretty picture.

You painted your own picture for me, and it was a blank canvass starting when I was 2 years old. I realize now that it was probably better that way. You were living life in the fast lane, taking dangerous risks and moving from woman to woman. You forever tainted my mom's reputation with your family by stealing her away from your brother, the man she married when she was 16, and injecting her with poison, your poison adulterous seed, and the poison of a needle. One created life and one ended life. That is why today I sit here and my mother is forever gone. It is incredibly ironic to me that you like to tell the story of how I was conceived in the hearse that you provided as a place to stay for my mother. 

There were so many times in my life that I wished your brother was really my dad. He is such a sweet, kind, and compassionate man; not like you. He went off to the service, hoping to make his new bride proud. He came home to your aftermath. 

I remember talking to you on the phone a few times after you left for Texas, the big beautiful non reporting escape from your child support obligations. Then I guess phone calls were too much. I didn't hear from you for years, and then when I turned six, I got a card, signed from you and your new wife. Both me and my mom laughed at it and she put it away for me.

I learned that you were good at taking life away from people when my mother succumbed to the inner demons that began with her relationship with you. You didn't make it to her service. Later you told me that no one told you. I can see why no one thought you would care, but the truth is that you had made yourself invisible to avoid your obligations.

It is only because of my chance run-in with Grandma that I even knew you were back in Colorado. It broke my heart to know that you didn't even look for me. I lived in the same house that I did when you left, but you never came. You were playing house with yet another woman and she was pregnant with your child and you wanted to make it look like you had been a good Dad so you started having me over. I knew what you were up to. I also got to witness your abusiveness towards her and her children. Our relationship, like yours with her, was short lived.

Many years passed without me hearing from you. I often thought of my older sister, Maleia, and wanted to meet her. I was sure we shared some of the same feeling of abandonment. She, as you know, was only 2 years older than me. How sad for two sisters to never meet. That sad fate was sealed the day she took her own life.

It was only then that you began to question yourself, rightfully so. Unfortunately you turned to me for reassurance, something I could not give. I found it highly insulting that after years of being absent in my life, you would expect me to come to your rescue and save you from the feelings her death was causing you. In some ways I envied her, she had been released from her pain, and yet I had to face mine, and face you.

As we slowly got to know each other again, there was another piece to the puzzle. My little brother, your namesake. His mother's life was suffering on a reckless path and all of the adults around him, including you, seemed to be more concerned with drugs, alcohol, and sex than with his well being. I just want you to know how much I resent that you foiled my attempts to provide something better for him.

When my own life began to mirror some parts of yours, you chose to continue your pattern of neglect. You would drop off your leftovers from the food bank from time to time, but never were concerned with mine, or my children's well being. When social services got involved, and grandparents were sought out to care for my children in the interim, that idea was laughable at best.

Today we can be civil and we see each other at least once a week when you bring over a food bank box. You finally learned that my brother had to be some sort of priority to you, and I am glad that the two of you have a better relationship, but I resent that ours will probably never grow to that level.

It is hard to see you continuously reward his mistakes and bail him out of situation after situation, paying his rent, his phone, getting him to court, yet taking no responsibility for how his life got to be like that. Like father, like son? For his sake, I hope not.

For now, all I can do is forgive, hope you are a better grandparent than you were a parent,  and be thankful for my food box.

With hope,

Your Daughter

30 Days of Truth - Day 13 - An artist or song that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

I don't know who the letter is supposed to be to.... the band? Just seems weird. So like everything else in my world, I am going to take this post and make it mine and just write about a few specific songs that got me through some tough times. There are many so I am going to limit myself to three.

The first song is "Lean on Me,"  and not the older version by Bill Withers, but the remake by Club Nouveau. My grandfather loved this song, the new version- he was such a hip Grandpa. lol He always loved songs because of words that he took personally. No matter how hard the days we faced were, and they sure were hard, he always had a way of letting me know he loved me, he would be there for me, and that it was going to be ok.

This song was one of those ways. I can still remember his smile perfectly. His warm gentle blue eyes that normally hard and stern, would melt when he looked at me, and they told me I was his world. I hear this song and I almost feel his hand on my shoulder, gently pushing me to sway back and forth, urging me to dance along with him, and he would smile so sheepishly, and tell me I could always lean on him. Oh and we would be jammin'!

I played this song at his funeral. It gave me great comfort, and even today when I hear it, I know how much I still lean on him. I look back to the comfort he gave me, the things he provided, and the round about way that only my grandpa could love someone, and I feel strong. This song got me through some hard times without my Mom and Grandma and through losing my Grandpa.

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's
Always tomorrow

Lean on me
When you're not strong
And I'll be your friend (I'll be your friend)
I'll help you carry on (lean on me)
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill
Those of your needs
That you won't let show

Lean on me
When you're not strong
And I'll be your friend (I'll be your friend)
I'll help you carry on (lean on me)
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me
When you're not strong (when you're not strong)
And I'll be your friend (I'll be your friend)
I'll help you carry on (lean on me)
For, said, it won't be long (won't be too long)
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

We be jammin'
We be jammin' (hey now)
We be jammin'

We be jammin'
We be jammin'

We be jammin'
We be jammin' (hey)

We be jammin'

(just call me) uh, when you need a friend
(call me) oh, baby now
(call me) uh, when you need a friend
(call me) oh, baby now
(call me) uh, when you need a friend
(call me) oh, baby now...

For your listening pleasure, here is the song:




The next song is very dark to me, well because I was in a dark place.


" I smoke the whole thing to my head, and feel it wash away,
cause I can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart"

Those words, in my head, as I was getting high on meth, meant someone else out there was doing the same thing and felt the same way as me, and that there was hope for me.

"I am nothing more than a little boy (girl) inside, that cries out for attention,
yet I always try to hide, cause I talk to you like children, though I don't know how I feel,
but I know I'll do the right thing- if the right thing is revealed"

These words meant that I was waiting for a revelation that I hadn't found yet, but that once it happened I would be all over it- giving myself permission to keep getting high.

Here is the song- with lyrics:





I saved the best for last. This song is so important to me. When I heard it, my kids had just been taken away from me and placed with my grandma. I was only about 2 weeks clean. The words impacted me so hard immediately, that they caused me to cry in deep sobbing cries. The words are so fitting as I interpreted them, that I swore this song was meant for me. I didn't see the video and know the way they had meant it, until years later. I am going to post the lyrics, and anything in purple will be my interpretation or feelings as I heard the song the first time. Some will be self explanatory. I am in tears now as I listen to the song.

"Far Away"

This time, This place - us separated from the kids
Misused, Mistakes - their trust in us and our authority and responsibility misused by us, mistakes we made
Too long, Too late - too long we used drugs, too late to say sorry because they are gone
Who was I to make you wait - pretty much says it all
Just one chance - just one, I promise is all I need, I won't let you down again
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long - they had been with her for about 2 weeks, the longest in their lives I had ever ever gone without seeing them, and it was KILLING ME
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore - I would stop breathing if I never saw them again

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up- couldn't be more perfectly said
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long - I so desperately needed to know that they knew I loved them, and that they would forgive me
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore - I wanted them to know it would never happen again
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go 



I actually bought the cd and gave it to them and told them which song they had to listen to. I knew my son would understand, but I asked him to please take the words to heart, and to listen to it with my daughter and try to explain it to her.


I kept my every word and worked the hardest I have ever worked. I pulled myself up from the gutter and in 6 months I had my beautiful babies back home with me.


It's a beautiful song, take a listen:

Someone who drifted..... A New Beginning

I must apologize for the sudden halt to my 30 Days of Truth. A lot of things going on, and well, when you have three kids you just never know what could happen.

This weekend, I initiated a last minute BBQ with my Dad. He asked that we come to his house. My brother and his wife were there, along with their 2 year old son. I had all 3 of my kids with me, which is unusual now that the older two are 11 and 13.

Surprisingly, my Grandma Judy, who I just wrote about here, was at my Dad's house! Talk about timing! Then even more amazing.... when I asked what she has been doing to keep herself busy, she said she has been trying to write her book!!!! Oh how I would love to read a whole book filled with words of my Grandma's! To learn more about her, and about her life and experiences! She told me she needed to write about some of the things that happened around her as a girl growing up in a very racist Texas town. I was mesmerized! It really inspired me.

She had so many kind words for me, about not worrying about who I might incriminate in my writing, and that anyone worth knowing would fully support me no matter what! She also made an acknowledgement of my own childhood suffering and experience and the need for me to share it. She recounted back some of the most significant things that happened to me- through her perspective- and it was so amazing for me to know she even knew about me or what had happened to me.

We exchanged numbers, and I am so excited to get together with her again and talk some more. I don't believe in much, but it is sure hard to believe that some things aren't more than coincidence.

30 Days of Truth - Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.

Something that I never get compliments on is having cute clothes.

When I was really fat, I had a very very large wardrobe, no pun intended. I was the same size for many years - a 28 in womens, which was the largest size you could get in stores. I might also mention that the 28s at Walmart and Target run small, and I could only fit in the clothes at Lane Bryant or Torrid. ANYWAY, for several of those years I had no children and lived at home, so it was really easy to spend money on myself. I also had a super-wonderful-awesome-grandpa that took me shopping all the time and I always got gift cards for clothes for my birthday and Christmas.

When I was 19, I got a job at Lane Bryant. They gave you an initial allowance of like $500 to get a work wardrobe.  Plus, getting a huge discount, I really stocked up- and since it was a requirement that I wear their clothes while on the job, I had a good reason to buy clothes. I found out I was pregnant not long after starting, and since I was high risk, I couldn't work anymore.

I started working at Ulta and going to school after being a stay at home mom for 2 and a half years. I made an awesome friend/shopping/lunch buddy at school and whenever I got paid, or got funding from my student loans, I always treated myself to some clothes.

Then I had my gastric bypass surgery and lost weight very quickly. I couldn't keep up with buying clothes for my dropping sizes, and I had no choice but to part with my big beautiful clothes. It was so bittersweet, because I had some damn sexy and cute clothes for a fat girl!

My weight went waaaay down then came back up, then stopped for a while, then back up, and now slowly going down. I just cannot afford treating myself to the expensive cute clothes that I want. I am still plus sized right now, and I am soooo very tall, that I have a hard time finding pants without paying full price at mall stores. I settle for finding what I can at thrift stores, taking hand me downs from my hubby to lounge around in, and every once in a great while I get something from Burlington. It is always hit or miss at that store and they usually have nothing when I have a little money, and they have cute stuff that I want so bad when I am broke. Figures. LOL

Being a stay at home mom of three just doesn't afford the luxury of a great wardrobe right now. Maybe since I am going back to school and getting financial aid again.... and I even qualify for work study (YAY YAY YAY), I can make it a point to get some clothes for myself every time I get funded? We will see.

So that was a pretty long boring post, that I had to drag out of myself, but hey, it is writing and I am sticking to my 30 day challenge- so GO ME!!!