altered perception

life is hard/ wierd. you think you know things. life is funny and fake. I am the disadvantaged because I don't want to be fake and at the same time it's hard to be influenced by other substances.... which is what makes my world go 'round right now. (vodka) The truth seems to be far and few between when you are living the life that I have. Spell check seems so relevant and even ideal but in my head- REALITY prevails and I am trying to be real and share MY experience. Sometimes I like to see the truth through blurry vision after a couple shots.

holy moly out of fuckin controlly. I don't even know how to feel? act? shit! this will be my HIGH reminder that I can NOT smoke weed! it is HORRIBLE> shoot me! really this is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad i want to cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy and i cant type and i forgot how to talk (not spell apparantly) but i will check. ice cream? bad kids. fuckin yikes scarrrry (yelp)

note: in case this seems hard to follow- it's because it is. I decided after drinking for a while, that I could smoke a little bit of weed with some friends that came over. It was HORRIBLE to saythe least. I know weed has bad effects on my mind. Shows me how I lose good judgement when I have been drinking. This is a reminder for me that it was a bad choice.

Life today

Today is one of those thinking days. Lately I am having too many thinking or non-thinking days, but not enough doing days. Where in the world has my motivation gone? Having the kids home for summer has been an excuse. Shoot, just having three kids, one of which is still in diapers has been an excuse. Are there any GOOD excuses? I am tired, depressed perhaps, and I really am afraid of the available systems- health care syatem (HA) menatl health system (HA HA). I need to eat better, exercise more, blah blah blah- I barely have the motivation to get through the day in an acceptable manner.

I don't want some cure all antidepressant or mood stabalizer to give me a bunch of other unbearable side effects to deal with. I have long been in the business of self healing and yes even self medicating. Well it isn't working any more. I just don't feel good.

I think a lot of this is coming from much needed changes. Our family as a whole spends too much time helping others and getting taken advantage of. I think we need to choose more carefully who we keep around us and what kind of people they are. This is hard to do in an economical time when sometimes a "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine," is making all of the difference between making it and breaking it. I know so many people are experiencing hard times. I also know that even though we are in an uncomfortable financial situation, this is really far from the definition of hard.

I should be much better at telling what people are like and deciding their merit in my life at this time. I used to be a beleiver in everyone and that there was something good to be taken from everyone... everything. Well unfortunately sometimes the only good thing is a lesson in bad things and bad people and I think I have had a few too many of those. I need to look to more positive outlets for positive people to help us in our family journey.

why does today have to be so bad? why do feelings have to show up when I am least ready? WHY does my son feel like TODAY is the best day to start asking questions? My life HURTS. Where I come from is SAD. Everyone I have ever met has regretted asking why one time too many. I'm SORRY. FUCKING SORRY that my truth is too hard for YOU to get. I have sugar coated it for myself and my own sanity and made it into a beautiful reality that I have to accept because UHHH it HAPPENS to be my REALITY. Do you know how many times I have heard "I don't know how you made it" ? okay that may seem acceptable to say from someone who hasn't walked a day in my shoes.... but WTF... how do you expect someone to respond to that? I have long been tired of talking.... of explaining... but my son.... well he deserves to know the truth. WTF do I do when I need to say so much so bad and finally the right person that is ready to ask does.... and I am not ready to answer? I say what I can.... I stop when it hurts... and I hope for a better day of understanding for us both. the truth...... it is there but I am not ready yet... tomorrow is another day...

I have to start somewhere

So here I am- ready to start opening up, ready to start writing, ready to start.... something. I'm here for me. This is my place where I can say what I feel like I never can in real life, because I don't trust people very easily anymore. I am hoping to start my own journey of healing and if maybe it can help someone else along the way or entertain them at the least then I could deal with that.

I'm ready to talk about things that no one wants to hear. Life isn't always a happy ending and I am tired of being a part of a society that would rather you put on a happy face and fake your fairytale then to talk about real things... things like mistakes, lies, imperfection, addiction, consequences, and reality itself.

I have a lot to say and no one to say it to. Here I can say it to the world and no one has to listen if they don't want to.