Saturday, October 24, 2009

alone




I have a lot on my mind. I guess most people can say that most of the time. For me today has been especially challenging. My own morale challenges that of everyday living all of the time. When it constantly has to look in the face of the people that we are related to, it gets seriously imposed upon.

The sad truth is that we have no parents. My mother died... my Dad is an alcoholic that has rarely been involved in my life. Bryson's mother and father are on again off again meth addicts (long separated- with other children). The even harder truth is that there is and has never been a connection or any exchange of love. The depths of my motherly soul that care for my children in that way, have NOTHING in common with any parent me or my husband are realted to.

I have a whole lot of positive in me. I have to. I take the best from the worst and I am so... so... so thankful, humble, and proud (if those all can be possible together) to be here today and to be me.

I am also regrettably struggling with the WHYS. Why can't I have one solid and consistent family member? Why is all of the wisdom of my elders already dead and simply a memory? Why is there no one who I can talk to and rely on for information, guidance, and support?

Living is hard work. Living and looking back at my past is really hard work. I know I am not weak and I know I have overcome a lot to create this life, but sometimes.... just sometimes... I get tired, and I wish there was someone I could just talk to and trust and look up to. Someone constant and predictable that WANTS to be a part of my life... that cares about my tomorrow. A mom or a dad or a grandparent, aunt, uncle, RELATIVE.

It is so hard for me that I do not know or speak to anyone that knew my mother or grandma (besides evil step gma that I don't speak to) that can even verify they existed. That feels so surreal. I cannot even talk about, or verify my experiences because no one was there... they were cremated so no grave to remember them. Its all up to me and my memories.

I have Bryson (and so thankful don't get me wrong) and I have a few very close friends (peers), but is it so wrong to want and need my mother, my grandma, a PARENTAL FIGURE between us both?

I feel so alone.


10 comments:

  1. Its not wrong at all to want that, I think its 100% natural for those kind of longings. Its very sad that you have no family but someday you will be the elder with the wisdom - you are creating a great life and a new lineage for your children. I wish you still had your family, nothing can replace that. And you're right - life is hard work! Wish I had more comforting words to say.

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  2. Your words are very comforting. I try not to take for granted that in a lot of ways I am lucky that I have the freedom to create our family's atmosphere without guilt. "Friends are the Family you create for yourself"

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  3. OH MY. I can relate to this feeling MORE than I will ever be able to put into words. Just yesterday I said to myself...if only I had those safe parents that I could go to, just for a night. Somewhere to just be...with those that would've seen me grow and be now as I am, up to now with unconditional love and acceptance. I KNOW THIS PAIN.

    The fact that my husband has the foundation that I do not may seem like I have something so much more, but in fact it MAGNIFIES for me what I do not have, almost driving the pain in deeper, further.

    I am hoping for you today.

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  4. I don't know if I will be able to convey this to you accurately, but maybe you don't have those elders in your life because you don't need them, and you never did. Maybe your wisdom was never meant to come from outside of you, but from within. From the little I've read of your blog, I would say you have been the wisdom and strength that you seek above you. I've found myself in a similar situation because although I have my mom and she's loving and supportive she has always seemed like a YOUNGER sibling. Maybe it's because she had me so young, I don't know. In any case, at some point I had to realize that I had been blessed with internal strength and wisdom and that I shouldn't be so sad because I couldn't find it elsewhere. Hope that helps? :-)

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  5. Popping in from SITS!
    Now following your blog...

    Hugs to you! I can relate partially to what you are feeling.

    I was raised by my mom until I was ten then my grandmother took over until I was in my early twenties. I lost her in 1999. I actually just celebrated her 10 year death anniversary.

    My mom and I have regained a relationship but I miss my grandmother. She was there throughout my teenage years when I really needed her. She was there for all my firsts! My heart aches that she's not here to talk to, crawl into bed with and just be around. I feel alone mostly around this time of year and as we move closer to the holidays because I was always with her. I called her mom. I love my mom dearly but, we have a different relationship than I did with my grandmother and she's irreplaceable.

    Surround yourself with positive people and loyal and good friends. My closest friends are my family also.

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  6. HI! stopping by from SITS!!!Great post! I am sorry you feel alone! I have so been there! Stop by anytime!

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  7. Hi I am stopping by from SITs I want you to know that your not alone. I kind of understand the feeling except my parents are still alive. My mother and I are best of friends but my ex- stepfather and I are in the process of rebuilding a relationship after an alcoholic binge put me in the hospital from him assulting me. about 10 years ago.. Now that I have children I want them to the know the great man (he really was a great man before the drinking and has stopped drinking) So I want them to know him and fo rhim to be their for me. I also have the bio-father who is sort of there but not so much but I am constantly seeking his approval. I have graduated with a Bachelor's Degree been Maried for 6 years and owned and operated a home daycare for 5 years no good job.

    Now I have learned through my husband and my children. Something that I hope I can convay in a way you will understand. I hope that you understand this to mean that every where you are you have people there with you even in your loneliest hour you have people there around you.

    I hope you are able to see that... there is are still SIT's people out here that are excited to meet you and it sounds like your friends are there. They aren't family but in a way they are a better family they are the family you pick.

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  8. Thank you all for sharing your own relations to this post as well as offering so much encouragement. I find myself lost in nostalgia and grasping for something that at all resembled how I envisioned my life "should" be at this point. I realize that if I just stop looking towards self pity for answers... and look around me I see everyone I need.

    I can't help but feel like coming to blogger just when I did, and finding just what I have, and connecting with all of you great, wonderful, inspiring, beautiful people... is just what I needed just when I needed it.

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  9. There is NEVER anything wrong in your feelings. Take them, accept them, hold them. Then, when possible, try to move on. I think the feeling of "loss" is deeply part of us. You are so brave to overcome all the tough experiences in your life with no support...Imagine what kind of positive impact you have on your kids!
    I would like to be your older sister! I am here

    XXX

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  10. Hi!

    I'm visiting from SITS. I'm sorry that you don't have any blood relatives that you can connect with. My husband is in the military and we move a lot, often thousands of miles from our families. We have learned to adopt "surrogate families" wherever we go.

    My heart goes out to you and I pray that you find the family identity that you are longing for. I also pray that your family members get clean and break their addictions.

    Be blessed!

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