Saturday, October 24, 2009
I have a lot on my mind. I guess most people can say that most of the time. For me today has been especially challenging. My own morale challenges that of everyday living all of the time. When it constantly has to look in the face of the people that we are related to, it gets seriously imposed upon.
The sad truth is that we have no parents. My mother died... my Dad is an alcoholic that has rarely been involved in my life. Bryson's mother and father are on again off again meth addicts (long separated- with other children). The even harder truth is that there is and has never been a connection or any exchange of love. The depths of my motherly soul that care for my children in that way, have NOTHING in common with any parent me or my husband are realted to.
I have a whole lot of positive in me. I have to. I take the best from the worst and I am so... so... so thankful, humble, and proud (if those all can be possible together) to be here today and to be me.
I am also regrettably struggling with the WHYS. Why can't I have one solid and consistent family member? Why is all of the wisdom of my elders already dead and simply a memory? Why is there no one who I can talk to and rely on for information, guidance, and support?
Living is hard work. Living and looking back at my past is really hard work. I know I am not weak and I know I have overcome a lot to create this life, but sometimes.... just sometimes... I get tired, and I wish there was someone I could just talk to and trust and look up to. Someone constant and predictable that WANTS to be a part of my life... that cares about my tomorrow. A mom or a dad or a grandparent, aunt, uncle, RELATIVE.
It is so hard for me that I do not know or speak to anyone that knew my mother or grandma (besides evil step gma that I don't speak to) that can even verify they existed. That feels so surreal. I cannot even talk about, or verify my experiences because no one was there... they were cremated so no grave to remember them. Its all up to me and my memories.
I have Bryson (and so thankful don't get me wrong) and I have a few very close friends (peers), but is it so wrong to want and need my mother, my grandma, a PARENTAL FIGURE between us both?
I feel so alone.