Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Have you seen my words?
I know I asked something like, what if I just thought I might vomit words and you would see 3 blogs in one day? Well today this is 2 and 3 just might happen later. I know where all my thoughts are- I think. I just can't seem to find my words.
I was so tired and was sure today would be a total wash. I found my way into the computer chair a few short hours after proclaiming my disgust with the day and just started to read. I read sad things, and hopeful things. I read stories of triumph and stories of disappointment. I read seemingly meaningless rants about daily life filled with humor and sarcasm. I'm sure I could write a whole page of the types of things I found sitting here in this chair, staring at this screen, reading. Today I was a student, thirsty for answers, and what wonderful answers I found.
Then without even thinking about it, I started feeling. I realized the sheer mangintude of what any one person writes. How important it became in my day of self pity to allow myself to be affected by others and simply feel.
So many things to consider. People considering their own place in life, their worth, their esteem, their sexuality, their weaknesses, their sobriety, their addiction, their strengths, life's blessings, illness, births, deaths, beginnings, ends.
I find myself asking myself, "Why am I here?"
I know I am looking to grow and continue learning. I don't find myself looking particularly for change. I find myself quite content with my life as it is. What is it? What is so sacred about my insanity? Why do I even consider myself insane?
I guess to societal standards, my behaviors and mental patterns can be abnormal. Thing is, I happen to like who I am and what I think and I also happen to think society is where the majority of abnormal behaviors and patterns lie.
I am a simple person, born of a complicated life. I have experienced far too many extremes for many people to consider, yet I have experienced extremely easily attainable staples in life that many people will never see.
I do not take for granted such things as shelter, warmth, food, hot water, love, and hot tea. I do not ever desire such things as wealth, prosperity -as defined as economic well being, or predictable stability created only to shelter me from the world.
I enjoy overcoming obstacles. I seek to have new experiences. I like taking reasonable risks. I like creating manageable mistakes for my children to learn from and teaching them about life. I hope they will never have materialistic values. I hope they will always have love to give deeply and meaningfully and be strong form within their hearts because of the love and honesty our family provides.
I don't ever spend a minute hoping for them to make a certain amount of money, or have a certain family, go to a collage of certain prestige, or achieve anything specific. I hope simply they have the courage to follow their dreams- actually first I hope they have the courage to dream, and will always work diligently to provide for themselves to whatever standard suits them, without taking advantage of another person's weaknesses. You could not pay me enough money in the world to spend 40 hours away from my children, selling someone something they don't need because it gives me a paycheck. I would hope my kids would never lower themselves to such a life either.
I don't even understand what happens in families where children are devastated because they have let their parents down. I take pride in knowing that my kids see failure as an opportunity to learn and look to me as their teacher. Even though I can only teach from experience and not education, I teach from heart and I look to always teach truth. I encourage my children to learn the things I did not, because I was too emotionally involved in life to actually get my education.
I have been too tired to come here and write for a little while. I was reverting back to the feelings of fear that come from when Social Services tried telling me I was unfit to be a mother. I realize, just as I did then, that my strengths come in proving myself to myself, not to another.
I start to question myself because I am at such a comfortable place in life. I am happily living and I am surrounded by people that love me and appreciate me. It might be a small group, us 5, but my family is quite self contained. They do not push me to do more because they love me for who and what I am. I like to be the support person. I like to find answers to their problems or better yet- help them find answers. The isolation I start feeling is because I see so many people I know struggling. Fighting to live happily, dealing with abuse, addiction, no support system, not enough money to support an unrealistic and unneeded means, and it seems to be far more normal and I start to ask myself what am I doing wrong.
Why don't I fight with my husband? How come he still loves me when I wear sweats for a week? How come I am just as happy in this home as I was living in a motel? Why is my old mini van just as good as the new SUV I gave up when I couldn't afford it? How can we still be a solid family when we don't have credit? don't have a mortgage? aren't in debt? don't have credit cards? How come my sex life is still great even when I can't afford to get my hair and nails done? How can I enjoy shopping at GASP a thrift store? How come my best friend wears designer jeans and still loves me? Why does cheap wine make me just as happy as expensive wine? How do I manage to give up just enough without losing myself and my family happily does the same? Where in the world did I get self esteem?
The front page of just about any woman's magazine promises to fix all of these problem's that I just don't have. So what is WRONG with me?
The answer is nothing. Nothing for ME. I am living how I want to and why I want to. My world can seem a little dark and lonely sometimes, free from the influences of media and propaganda. It isn't weighed down by wants of material possessions OR void of accomplishments. It is the simple life of a mother and a life teacher. The whole world may not be my students, but teaching 3 is good enough for me.
I think I found my words.