Saturday, December 26, 2009

The quiet after the storm

I am feeling disconnected and a little isolated.
It is okay, it is some much needed time for reflection, and for me to reconnect with my own values.

We will be moving in two days, and with it comes some stress. We are completely transitional right now. Half at each place. Nothing tied up, nothing complete. I am so thankful we had somewhere away from both places to spend Christmas. It was simple and wonderful. I am, however, glad it is over and now I can put my time into completing this move. I have also reached the quiet after the storm of the "heroin confession"....

The situation with the "heroin confession" played itself out on Christmas Eve. This was the first time I had some time with K alone, without the kids. He is Bryson's cousin, but I consider him my family as well. After a lot of consideration and consulting with Bryson, I knew I needed to tell him. I asked him if J was going to be with her mother at any time for Christmas. Had he said no, I would have tried to wait until after. The plan was for J to spend Christmas day with her mom, so I needed to let K know so that he could make an informed choice regarding his daughter's safety.

As was mentioned, he did have some idea something was going on, but did not know it was something as bad as heroin. His reaction was as good as could be expected. Of course it means there is a lot more over his head, as if he wasn't already doing most of the parenting. He was mad, sad, disappointed and expressed that he felt that J had already lost her mother. Apparently because of J's moms's lack of parental responsibility, her only regular interactions with J are to get her to school everyday and random visits either at her Dad's house or K's house. She doesn't take J to her own apartment. K has decided he needs to figure out a way to get J to school without her mom's help. He doesn't want the chance of any of her illegal and drug related behavior to put J at risk. He doesn't want her alone with her mom or riding in her mom's car. Good plan.

Although he was embarrassed, he expressed gratitude that I told him, and it did not overshadow Christmas. We still had a great day with the kids. K is a strong guy with a lot on his plate, but he handles it well and is a good Dad.

I realize now that I have to trust my heart. I know how to evaluate a situation and what factors are most important to me. The right choice is rarely the easy choice. I am lucky to have Bryson to back me up and to provide sound moral advice. I do not know what will be in store for J's mom. I hope recovery, but I know the odds, and I know that not me, or Bryson, or K, or J, can fix this for her.

Christmas night was another night of confessions. We spent some time with my kid's Dad's family. For those that do not know, he is deceased. We only see his family at Christmas, but it is usually a nice reunion, like no time has passed. Just joy for the time we get together, no resentments, no grudges. This year was like most, except that I learned that his niece is struggling with bulimia. It is heartbreaking. Everyone kept talking about how she has the same personality as Thomas. He was very close to his nieces. A lover of all children, really. His death was somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy, so of course that relation invokes fear. Her bulimia started the year he died. Again, something that I cannot fix. Again, I remember what I have learned. Surrender is important. Expectations breed discontent.

I continue to remain grateful. I am thankful for every part of existence that I get to take part in. I know that there is purpose in my life. I have no expectations for my purpose, I only wish to fulfill it. Even in the face of these challenges, I have found meaning. I have connected to people, if even for only a brief moment. Moments of clarity have presented for many.

My journey as a mother is forever moving onward and sometimes through the courage of others and their willingness to admit their weaknesses, I learn something. Maybe I even teach something. I see the light in the darkness. Maybe I can be the light in the darkness.

There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.
Willa Sibert


  1. "I realize now that I have to trust my heart."

    I'm still afraid to do that with a lot of situations, but I'm glad things are "ok" for you for lack of a better word. I'll keep your family in my prayers.

  2. You have a great blog here. It's a very interesting read. I have a blog myself which provides inspiration and guidance to people all around the world. Life is hard enough, and I'm hoping for my blog to be a place where people can go to hear the words the words they need to hear in order to brighten up their day.

    I'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around. Please let me know if this is possible.


  3. You are a light! That is obvious in your words and deeds. Your children are blessed to have you as their mother. I hope things get better for J's mom and for the niece with bulimia.

    Great quote by Willa Sibert.

  4. It's hard to walk through wreckage and find and spread bits of joy. You protected a child at Christmas. God is using you. Your life really matters. Thanks for taking the time to write.

  5. You certainly do your part to light the darkness.

  6. I think the mom knows where to go for help if she really wants to stop. Evey heroin addict knows that. She is talking about loving her child and not wanting to lose her, but is making no real effort to stop. Sounds to me like she is not ready.

    You probably know from my blog that my son used heroin off/on for 10 years (unless he was in jail or rehab). I have heard the excuses, the "woe is me" so many times, it does not evoke sympathy from me anymore. If my son wants that life, he will do it completely on his own. I won't have any part of it. I'm so grateful he never fathered any kids. That certainly changes everything.

    Like you said, you can't fix it. We are powerless over other people.

  7. I am really thankful that you trusted and listened to your heart. I am thankful that you talked to him. I am glad to hear that he handled it well. I do think you are a light in the darkness more than you realize.

    It's a beautiful thing that we can learn from one another in this life. Many times we are teaching and we are clueless to this fact. Many times we are learning from people that haven't a clue to how they are teaching us. Beautiful.

    Keep listening to your heart. :)Keep being the light in the darkness. XX Lori

  8. You and your children are so blessed that you have come so far as a person while your children are still young!

  9. "The right choice is rarely the easy choice." I find this statement to be so appropriate for my current place of "choice". Thank you for sharing your experience.

    I haven't said much to you about how personal your blog is for me, but the wisdom it gives me in dealing with my Mom is very significant. It gives me an insight I had not had before and I am so thankful we follow one another!

    Beautiful post...your writing is extraordinary and the blog is propelling so wonderfully.

  10. I read this. You are correct in that the right choice is rarely the easy one. You are smart.


  11. Checking in with you. Keep on keeping hanging on. Email me if you want.