Sunday, December 6, 2009

"Shawna's Christmas Meth Carol" Part II ~Ghost of Tweaker Present


Of course I no longer use crystal meth, and so this is my version of what I think my present would be like if I had not stopped using.

"Ghost of Tweaker Present"

Even though I am still shaken from last night's visit, it does not deter the spirits that be from pursuing me. In my thought riddled state of half sleep, I am fully awakened by the ghost of the present, flying feverishly through my room. It seems he wants to show me something. I am again whisked into the warm night air, guided by my present spirit. The air begins to turn cold, and snow starts to fall.

We head in a familiar direction, over many a structures I know too well. We are heading to my childhood home, where my step grandmother still lives. The neighborhood is full of holiday cheer and festive lights.Again I am guided to look in the window.

I see my children. They are sitting on the floor and they seem to be making something. It is Christmas time and the house is decorated with all the same decorations that have adorned its walls and occupied its space at Christmas time for at least 20 years prior. I do not see Victorya. I wonder where I am?

I lean in closer so that I can hear what they are saying.
Destin is my 11 year old son
Aliviya is my 9 year old daughter

Destin: Do you think that Mom will like the card I made her?
Aliviya. Of course she will like it. You made it.

Destin: What are you making her?
Aliviya: I guess I have to make her a card too. Grandma says they don't allow many things in the jail. I don't want to send her something that she might not get.

Destin: Yeah I was really sad when the necklace that we got her for mother's day got sent back
Aliviya: I wish she could be here for Christmas. Grandma says she is never allowed in this house again. I don't  understand why they put moms in jail. Don't they know she has kids that need her?

Destin: Aliviya, it is more complicated than that. You will understand when you get older.
Aliviya: That's what everyone tells me. I am tired of people thinking I don't know anything. (getting tears) I just want her back. I hate living with Grandma.

Destin: She will be out by next year. I am sure she won't mess up and we will go to live with her again.. There is nothing you can do to change it this year. Please stop crying and try to make her a nice card.

I am so sad. I cannot stop crying and I cannot believe my children will be spending Christmas without me, and me without them. I am also horrified when I realize Victorya is not there... because she was never born.


  1. WOW!!!! Girl, you've got guts!
    It makes me wonder where I'd be if......

  2. It is definitely a sobering thought to ponder. Even though it is a really hard thing to look at,it has helped me feel insurmountable gratitude for where I actually am and all of the blessings that are.

  3. you got me thinking about where I'd be....scary thought to be sure. It's awesome that this is only something that may have been not something that is. It takes a lot of guts to change that kind of lifestyle.