Saturday, August 27, 2011

Get it all out.... Am I a Failure?

I am still having such a hard time getting through every damn day. Hell some minutes are unbearable. What IS going on? I have never felt this bad before over such an extended period of time. I KNOW I have had better times. I KNOW I have felt joy in my life. Why not now?

I have intruding thoughts of failure ALL the time. I am 2 damn classes away from my degree, yet I can't believe that I can possibly get it. WHY WHY WHY? Its like I am at war with myself constantly. Is this illness, is this insecurity, or is this imagined? When failure seems inevitable is it permissible to step down and wait until I am well? I don't even feel like I can ask for help. Who would I even ask if I could. This is just so damn hard. hard hard hard.

I need to be doing constructive things, but I can barely do functional things. I build up all these thoughts and then I get to my Dr. and try to find answers and all I get are more pills. Even better, I get different Dr's with complete different opinions and I don't know how to know who to trust. I am trusting them with my life after all, but half the time my life feels so worthless and I feel so hopeless.

I cant even write anymore, no one is listening and I am tired of crying. Time to go and try to save my life.


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