Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Where I am at today....

I am sad and mad and my fight or flight is always raring to go. I have opinions directed at me from every which direction, either from what is said or unsaid. I am in the middle of trying to find quality care for my health, both physical and mental, and I feel like I am self diagnosing because I can't find a Dr. who can take some actual time and do their job.

Some people know, others don't, but both me and my son were in mental hospitals within about the last 30 days. I had only been out for 2 days before he went in. Is it because of life issues or medication issues, or both? It feels like only I am asking that question. I don't feel good and I am not sure why. I have lots of guesses.

I had an appointment with a counselor today who is here for "family preservation." He is a "Love and Logic" instructor as well, and I felt so uneasy after the appointment. I felt judged. He encouraged me to get a lock on my 3 year old's door for when she isn't listening. During the conversation all of his theory made sense and I was going along with the idea and then when I discussed it with my husband, it seemed so highly inappropriate. I don't want parenting classes right now and now I don't know if I can change my mind about it all.

I'm highly overwhelmed and am scared that if I keep pushing myself, I am going to push myself back into the hospital. How did things get like this? I see everything through the nauseating fuzz of a disgusting little pill, one that is punching holes in my life and my head. One that gives me back physical mobility, but creates chaos everywhere else. I can't even find a Dr. who I can discuss it with. They will prescribe them, but won't talk about them. Ironic, no? I have so many appointments for every little area of my life and I move on to the next one, hoping it will be the one with some answers to all of my questions, and instead I get answers to questions that I didn't even have or more  pills that I can't live with and I can't live without. I just want this madness to truly end.


1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you are suffering through all this right now, I wish I had some words of comfort and/or wisdom. All I know is to take each day, hour, moment as it comes and do your best in that moment. It sounds so lame and it doesn't really work all the time, but that's how I have to force myself to live. Some moments are spent staring into space trying not to think or feel. Your life is much more complicated because you have kids and a hubby at home. I hope you find the right person to help you resolve most of the symptoms you have. Some of it is just life, and life, as you know better than most, is usually a challenge.