Take THAT!

More pills! Sigh! I went to the Dr. today and I think he is just as confused as I am as to what is causing my anxiety. I must admit I am thankful he only makes minor adjustments or little tweaks of my meds at a time rather than changing the whole regimen at once. I did officially quit the Nurse practitioner that only spent 5 minutes with me. She was very rude when the subject of me seeing another Dr. came up and it just made me feel like I was making the right choice. Soooo at least I only have one cook in the kitchen right now.

This time he upped the Lyrica (for pain and anxiety), added a small dose (5mg) of buspar in the morning in addition to the night time dose (20mg), and I can take risperedol (sp?) as needed for the panic attacks.
I am still on 80 mg extended release morphine a day as well as 5mg endocet 3 times a day. I am finally free of physical pain, which is a miracle in itself, but I have to jump through hoops to go to the clinic in the city and get my meds. I have to find and pay for parking in a busy area off the highway and I have to have a written prescription every month. The Dr doesn't schedule more than 3 weeks out so I cant make my next apt while I am there. I have to call at 3 weeks out and then she only has apts available 5 weeks later. So then at the last minute (like I am now when I am one day from running out) I have to call and leave a message for her to write a script for the time period until I have my appointment. I also have to do ua's to show I am not using anything illegal and that I am taking my pain pills and not selling them. This all may sound reasonable to the average person, but for someone who now has panic about leaving the house alone, driving, waiting in waiting rooms, and is extremely paranoid of a opiate withdrawal from the meds I have to take, it feels like a 3 ring circus.

I hate to say it, but it is so much more convenient to have my friend come over and pay for enough pain pills to last until I get paid again, or go to the liquor store. Staying sober is hard work. I do it because I dont want to lose my kids. I do it because I want to believe there is a such thing as happy and content for a bipolar former addict. I do it because I want to be the best mom I can be and I want my kids to have a chance at a sober happy content life.

I need someone that knows its possible and can help me get there.

My support group points out repetitively that I need support, but that has always been what I have been lacking. This time of year is a big harsh beginning of seemingly endless death anniversary dates followed by lonely Holidays, where I yearn for parents or grandparents or aunts or uncles or cousins or someone, someone who is above me. I am not ready in age or wisdom to bear the title of the oldest elder at every family function.

This turned into more of a rant than an update, but my favorite words lately are "it is what it is." It helps me to be able to put a voice to my overwhelming feelings.