Friday, September 23, 2011

Why My Insanity is Sacred....

DUN DUN DUN!!!!! Well it is the title of my blog and perhaps a reader or two has found themselves wondering "What the HELL is she talking about?"

I do not know how to live in "normal." Every time I have attempted to medicate my bipolar illness, it has become such a huge failure that I go running back to the safe and familiar arms of my insanity. My insanity is having exciting manic phases where I have limitless energy and I accomplish some of the goals I set for myself. It is self medicating with something that enhances my mood and makes life "fun." I have successfully self medicated with meth and almost ruined my life. Won't try that again. I have self medicated with alcohol and don't remember the better part of the nights of two years OR writing the first half of this blog. It was fun, but I won't try that again. I abused my pain pill prescriptions for the last year and found myself living happily in the warm and fuzzy buzz of narcotics.... oh wait, but I spent money I didn't have to buy extra pills, shared them with Bryson, and went to the hospital when I was withdrawing from them. Nope that isn't the life for me.

So what AM I doing right now you may wonder? I am taking my meds as prescribed. I feel like shit. I have no mania and I am living in this incredibly depressed state filled with fear and anxiety. I have no high or buzz to look forward to, not even my natural manic one. Everything is so incredibly blah that I have extreme anxiety that this could really be it for me. Life that is.... you know like a realization, "Wait, what? THIS is IT?"

I am going through every mental health patient's favorite part- finding the right diagnosis/cocktail. Since going into the hospital because I was suicidal, because a Dr. gave me a rather large prescription for narcotics without anyone to follow up with, I have been shuffled around and my meds changed and added, and added, and added.... HELLO I am a person with a family and all of your medications have FUCKED ME UP. I cant sleep at night because I am worried about everything. I only want to sleep all day because I am paralyzed with fear and anxiety. Some of you may remember when my son's anxiety started about a year ago, how I could not understand anxiety, but I was his number one advocate? OH HOW I UNDERSTAND NOW! I have near panic attacks all day long. I keep telling the Drs. (I am seeing two, through two different agencies and trying to figure out which one, if any, is trying to really help me) that I don't feel ok. The one just keeps upping my dose. I had to make a choice to go off of several medications because my panic was so bad I couldn't function and she wouldn't listen to me. She spends five minutes with me and sends me home with an array of side effects, err I mean more medications.

To all of you parents of addicts that know there is a mental health diagnosis for your child- I hope I can be the voice for at least one child out there that is suffering through this hell. It is not easy. I am going to tell you something very important though... I keep working on my sobriety because there is no one enabling my addiction. You would probably be reading the words of a former me (say 7+ years ago) who had not gotten it yet and was still using, except all of my enabling ran out.

The current me is still living in an emotional hell. I stopped self medicating and started going to the Dr. to set a good example for my son. Mom takes her meds like a good girl.... hoping he would see that is the right thing to do, as opposed to what he was already starting to do (self medicate with marijuana) and what has happened? He has watched me fall apart and become a panicking, suicidal, dysfunctional, mess. Never on my worst unmedicated day, have I felt as bad as I have these last few months. It is a total reproduction of what it felt like 10 years ago when I tried to get properly medicated. What if psychiatric medications are not for everyone? They now know that certain meds make bipolar people suicidal.... what if so many more deaths are a result of improper medication, but because the person had a mental health diagnosis, their death is attributed to their condition?

So does anyone want to venture to guess what I am thinking right now? I will save you from thinking on it too long. I want to go off all of these meds and go back to at least knowing what I feel is "real" and is "me," but this time without any form of self medicating. Can anyone tell me how that might be possible?



  1. Sounds exactly like what im going through.Wish I would have never started on all the meds.

  2. Also if you are going to come off do a very slow taper and have support lined up. I recently quit cold turkey an anti depressant and went to the E.R. twice.I havent felt well since even after a restart on the med and a benzo in the mix.