Monday, September 21, 2009
I have thought a lot about tomorrow. I think in 16 years I have managed to make my way through the process of grieving one sweet little girl and still managed to dream her to life. Even though all of my hopes for what her life would have been went away like the beating of her teeny tiny heart, she left my heart full of hope. Hope for her to have peace. Hope that she felt love. Hope that I would get another chance to be a mother.
I cannot imagine how my life would be different right now. Of course I always imagine that someone who has died would somehow fit into the exact same life I have had since they left. The reality of it, is that nothing in my life would be the same. There is no possible way I would have the exact 3 children I have now. I might not have ever even met their fathers. Maybe my first two children's Dad would not have died if he had not met me or had our children with me. Maybe I wouldn't be alive? It is impossible to know.
For whatever reason, Arianna managed to live her whole life's purpose in one hour and 49 minutes~ 16 sweet years ago. Although I think of her often and imagine what it would be like to have a 16 year old at 30, I have found that I cannot dwell on all the "could have should have would haves," because she is where she is meant to be and so am I.
Thank you Arianna for the time you spent growing safely in my tummy. Without you I would not have known why I cannot carry a baby to term. My children are here today because of you. Happy sweet 16 angel baby.