Thursday, February 11, 2010
RIP regret
I cannot define you here and you are not worth the words that are hurting me and lacking me RIGHT NOW. I have decided to leave you behind and choose forgiveness and growth. I need serenity! "I believe"
Sometimes....
Sometimes...
Sometimes I pretend like my childhood didn't hurt so much. Sometimes I forgive things I don't understand, but I pretend like it is my choice.It is easier if I take responsibility. I can NOW depend on ME. I talk so often of my Grandfather- the single source of light that I claim. I realize the work that was put into his creation, existence, and aftermath. The very pain, negligence, and deprivation that happens of a 9 year old boy, turned adult, when his father dies, and he is left to be the sole provider for 7 sisters, a mother, and a half brother.... AT NINE, during the depression...
Brings whole new meaning to "uphill both ways"
Then take this man and lose him his daughter by suicide when she is 26, his wife AND life partner 3 days later and bury(cremate) them both by the same service, and place him with the 8 year old girl, his granddaughter, and here is ME.
Sometimes the hurt he caused, and the aftermath of my transgressions, his upbringing and misunderstandings, and the weight of what is and what aught not be, weighed down like an iron fist. NOT heavy enough to stop me from risking my kids, lying, breathing in relief from an iron smoke mask of denial. No one could fix me. Not the mom I wished I had. Not the guilty Grandpa that had lost it all. It was all within me all along. Grandpa, I love you. I forgive YOU for what I did not know. I am thankful for all the love I thought was conditional but was experienced and boundaried.
I am here because I value my life. I wish for a lot, but am thankful for more...
hit publish...
Sometimes I pretend like my childhood didn't hurt so much. Sometimes I forgive things I don't understand, but I pretend like it is my choice.It is easier if I take responsibility. I can NOW depend on ME. I talk so often of my Grandfather- the single source of light that I claim. I realize the work that was put into his creation, existence, and aftermath. The very pain, negligence, and deprivation that happens of a 9 year old boy, turned adult, when his father dies, and he is left to be the sole provider for 7 sisters, a mother, and a half brother.... AT NINE, during the depression...
Brings whole new meaning to "uphill both ways"
Then take this man and lose him his daughter by suicide when she is 26, his wife AND life partner 3 days later and bury(cremate) them both by the same service, and place him with the 8 year old girl, his granddaughter, and here is ME.
Sometimes the hurt he caused, and the aftermath of my transgressions, his upbringing and misunderstandings, and the weight of what is and what aught not be, weighed down like an iron fist. NOT heavy enough to stop me from risking my kids, lying, breathing in relief from an iron smoke mask of denial. No one could fix me. Not the mom I wished I had. Not the guilty Grandpa that had lost it all. It was all within me all along. Grandpa, I love you. I forgive YOU for what I did not know. I am thankful for all the love I thought was conditional but was experienced and boundaried.
I am here because I value my life. I wish for a lot, but am thankful for more...
hit publish...
Sunday, February 7, 2010
just... adjusting, tired, existing. Just HERE.
I haven't been around for much in terms of the blog world. It took me all day to catch up on all the blogs I love, but I just didn't have the energy to comment. Sorry. We got our tax return and I have been busy catching up on bills, buying long desired things, and well honestly... just being worn out by so many THINGS. I also got a much needed break from my
I am really thankful that we are able to do these things, but having a lot of new stuff is exhausting. I finally got a laptop, but as excited as I am for this long awaited luxury, I am not comfortable with it yet. I am used to the computer environment that I so loathed before, and typing on this portable computing powerhouse is awkward. I do not feel the solitude that I have in my office. It was something that separated me from my family, something that I thought I didn't want. That caused me to want a laptop so that I could be ever present in my family's life, something that I took for granted. Now I AM ever present... and I am thankful... AND grieving my solitude.
This is one of those adjustment times in my life. I have no expectations of accomplishing anything. I am content with one moment at a time and I have realistic expectations of just existing until I adjust and adapt to all of the change. I have a lot to consider, a lot to be excited for, a lot to adjust to, and only the future to get through... one moment at a time.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
HAPPY and HAPPY 101
Wow I cannot help but to be smitten with all of these wonderful awards!!!! It really is a great feeling to get recognition and feel appreciated within a community of such exceptionally talented writers. It is equally as delightful to pass on the awards and give opportunity for new faces to show up on new blogs, creating new connections. It feels so nice to be able to show appreciation to the people who grace my computer screen with their honesty and heartache, humor and insight, and who enlighten my life through their experiences, creativity, art, photographs, and written words.
Thank you Miss OverThinker from Life Uncensored for this Happy Award! I am so happy that you are back!
The way it works is this: list 10 things that make you happy and then pass this award to 10 bloggers that make you happy.1. Really good coffee with Italian Sweet Cream creamer. MMMMMM
2. All the adorable affection I get from my 2 year old, Victorya and seeing her older brother and sister smile :)
3. Still getting butterflies around Bryson and feeling the security of our love
4. Cuddling with my Himalayan kitty, Nala-ago, or playing with our big white fluffy dog, Belle
5. Walking barefoot in mud, or water, or muddy water, especially when it is in the warm rain
6. The right song playing at the right time, creating the soundtrack for life
7. Forever friends. The kind that you can lose touch for years and when you meet again, you pick up like there was no time lost and your friendship is always growing, trusting, and beautiful, no matter the time in between encounters or the miles in between you.
8. Homecooked meals shared with friends
9. Blogging and all of the things it has become for me and the friends I have found because of it
10.Any picture that has my Grandpa in it
and now for 10 bloggers that make me happy!
Brittany @ Unexpected Surprises
Alice @ Alice in Wonderland
Susan @ A Rewoven Life
Dan @ Vacant Mind
Barbara @ Writing From the Inside Out
Clean and Crazy @ My Recovery
XXX@ God is my Drug
Roxy@ Woman of Essence
Madison @ Fight of Your Life
You all touch my life in some way and you bring me joy and happiness in my everyday life. I appreciate you all! There are quite a few happy awards going around, so if you are receiving doubles, don't do awards, or just don't have time, please do not feel obligated in any way to repost and pass along these awards.
Roxy at Woman of Essence passed along the Happy 101 to me. Thanks Roxy! The rules of receiving this award is to link it back to the presenter and pass it on to at least three other bloggers and list 10 things that make you happy. Of course I already did 10, but I am full of gratitude and have so many things that make me happy, so here are 10 more.
1. The smell of cut grass
2. Playing Mafia Wars on Facebook
3. Taking pictures
4. Taking classes
5. Babies
6.Seeing charity in action
7. Fixing something
8. Tiramisu
9. Moscato
10. Seeing new places
and now some more bloggers that make me happy!
Single Mama @ Single Mama NYC
Gavin @ Insanity's Musings
Again- THANK THANK THANK YOU for the awards, thank YOU all for being you, and for writing and sharing your words and your lives!!!!
Monday, January 25, 2010
and next on my list..... AWARDS
So I said I would be working on my list and accomplishing one thing per day. Can you stand it? My list is already dwindling away and I am going to have to create a new one of things I want to do instead of things I need to do!
So without further adieu.... the next thing on my list.... accepting SOME VERY SPECIAL AWARDS!
A month ago I was given the From me to You award by Gavin at Insanity's Musings. Thank You so much Gavin! An award from a writer with your phenomenal capabilities is flattering to say the least. To you my readers: If you have not already found your way over to Gavin's wonderful corner of the world wide web, where he tells illicit tales blurred with fact and fiction, capable of taking any mind into deep introspect and self examination, allowing you to become his characters and see through the sordid eyes of each one, crammed with intense feelings that he can express like no other, well then WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
The conditions of this award are to pay it forward to five people. Since I was such a procrastinator, and I have another award to pass along, AND many of you have already received both, I am going to leave this one up for grabs if anyone wants it and apologize for not accepting it earlier. Thanks again, Gavin!
Next is the Superior Scribbler award. This comes to me from a woman that I consider such a special friend, Jennifer at One True Self. Thank You so much Jennifer. I feel like it was her that held my hand as we entered this blogging world and gave me the encouragement to be free and share my own truth. She writes from deep within her soul. She is an inspiration to anyone that is moving forward in life and learning from the past. She is strong, determined, and beautiful, and I never leave her blog without learning a little bit more about myself. If you haven't already done so, please stop by her blog and have a peek around. She has a TRUE gift with words and she is sharing it with the world!
So 7 things about me that you are yet to know? This was hard last time! hmmmm
1. I am really really afraid of using ouija boards! I got one when I was about 12 and had some really weird experiences with it. I believe that we got a demon to posses my friends hamster while using the board. We called for a random spirit and a woman responded. She detailed her name, age, and how she died (helicopter crash in Iraq) and we seen a news story the next day with all of the same details. There are too many stories to tell here, but I was so afraid that I hid it in the garage. I had nightmares of it glowing from in there and shaking and trying to get out of the box, so I had to confess to my grandparents that I had it and ask them to return it to the store.
2. I am 6' tall and have never played basketball. I get asked all of the time if I played in school. Nope. I am really good at getting things on top shelves for people though :)
3. I used to play the accordion in school. lol enough said
4. I absolutely HATE the cold. It affects my mood and I am very sensitive to cold weather. I equate being cold with suffering. I do not know how I have survived so many years through such bad winters and blizzards. Sometimes being cold makes me want to cry. I hate it so bad. I have IMMENSE gratitude for a heated house, a warm bed, and the absolute BEST Christmas gift I have ever received was an electric blanket!
5. I volunteered with a friend at a nursing home when I was 8 years old. We would go every weekday during the summer and we would call bingo for the residents, help them to and from meals, run the cash register in the gift store, and serve ice cream out of the ice cream shop. We would visit with them in their rooms and help keep people calm when they were waiting for nurses to get to them.. There was a 100 year old lady that used to fly planes and she had the most interesting stories!
Oddly enough, my paternal grandmother, who I had never met, worked as a nurse there. She recognized me from baby pictures that my Dad had, and she introduced herself by saying that she thought she was my Grandma. My maternal grandmother had just died the year before, and my initial reaction was that she was my Grandma reincarnated! Talk about a strange encounter! She reintroduced me to my BD (biological Dad) and although it never materialized into a relationship with any meaning, it did give me the opportunity to meet my half brother who was born a short time later.
6. I have a half sister from my BD that I never got to meet. She was 2 years older than me and she was a legitimate child of my BD's first marriage. She committed suicide and didn't want my father notified. She had her body donated to science, and so there was no service or burial. I didn't find out until several years after she had died, when me and my little brother were trying to find her.
7. I cannot eat anything that has any type of honey in it. It makes me very sick. It is an uncommon side effect of my Weight Loss Surgery. You would be surprised how many things you would not suspect have honey in them!
Now for the fun part! I get to pass this award along! I am pretty sure most of the people that originally come to mind, already have this award, I am going to try to diligently give this to new and deserving candidates!
1. Lori at My Life Interrupted- This is one strong Mama! She is raising her step daughter's children and she is the center of strength in a beautiful family! Please stop by her blog! She has a heart of gold and shares the most touching experiences. This is as real as it gets!
2. Barbara at Recovery Happens- She is a very special woman and friend. A kindred spirit. I feel like I have known her forever! Recovery Happens is a very powerful blog filled with her personal thoughts on the recovery process that her sons are facing, battling heroin addiction. Despite all of her own struggles, she is one of the most compassionate people I think I have ever experienced.
3. Shattered at Shattered into One Piece- I think she does a much better job of summing up herself than I could ever attempt. From her profile, "You could call me shattered. I'm a wife, mother, step-mother, misplaced daughter, confused religious person, and an abuse survivor. My life has been painful and hell, my life is still painful; probably more so now than ever before. I see my therapist on at least a weekly basis so writing here is part of my process. I'm learning to feel and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, next to surviving. I'm a funny person but it's a dark, wicked kind of funny. I find humor in odd things, in my misfortunes, in my struggles, and in how others relate to me. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and I hope that this blog will bring a down to earth awareness to the lasting scars that abuse can cause."
This blog is so real and heartfelt, it really gets to me at my core. Her honesty brings light to issues many people look away from and she is facing them with bravery and conquering her past, emerging into the present stronger and more beautiful every day. Please stop by her blog and see the power in her words for yourself.
4. Lorenza at Pure Energy- Lorenza is like a breath of fresh air! Her experiences are heart warming and the way in which she shares her experiences in her life's journey, simply make you feel like you are sitting there with her, sipping a cozy warm beverage, basking in the radiant energy that is her way. She writes in English, not her native language, but her glorious Italian roots shine through! I just can't get enough.
5. LisaC at Loving an Addict- Lisa is a mother in the recovery process of parenting an addict child, valiantly facing her own codependent behaviors, coming out victoriously. She shares her experiences with the openness and honesty of a mother truly divided by her son's addiction and her innate love as his mother. She is an integral part of my own blogging support system, full of insight and benevolence. She helps me in my own journey as a recovering addict and as a parent. Both her blog and her comments reflect her kind spirit and her personal growth. She is an inspiration to me.
I know I am supposed to pass this on to 7 bloggers, but both my own time constraints (its homework time for 2 and dinner time for 5 hungry people!) and the fact that most of you have this award already, have left me to compromise on 5.
Thanks again Gavin and Jennifer!
So without further adieu.... the next thing on my list.... accepting SOME VERY SPECIAL AWARDS!
A month ago I was given the From me to You award by Gavin at Insanity's Musings. Thank You so much Gavin! An award from a writer with your phenomenal capabilities is flattering to say the least. To you my readers: If you have not already found your way over to Gavin's wonderful corner of the world wide web, where he tells illicit tales blurred with fact and fiction, capable of taking any mind into deep introspect and self examination, allowing you to become his characters and see through the sordid eyes of each one, crammed with intense feelings that he can express like no other, well then WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
The conditions of this award are to pay it forward to five people. Since I was such a procrastinator, and I have another award to pass along, AND many of you have already received both, I am going to leave this one up for grabs if anyone wants it and apologize for not accepting it earlier. Thanks again, Gavin!
Next is the Superior Scribbler award. This comes to me from a woman that I consider such a special friend, Jennifer at One True Self. Thank You so much Jennifer. I feel like it was her that held my hand as we entered this blogging world and gave me the encouragement to be free and share my own truth. She writes from deep within her soul. She is an inspiration to anyone that is moving forward in life and learning from the past. She is strong, determined, and beautiful, and I never leave her blog without learning a little bit more about myself. If you haven't already done so, please stop by her blog and have a peek around. She has a TRUE gift with words and she is sharing it with the world!
So the rules of the award are that you're supposed to:
- Thank whoever nominated you for it...
- Post, paste, or patch the award's image onto your own blog...
- Tell your readers seven things they don't yet know about you...
- Pass it along to seven five more bloggers...
- And notify them personally when you have done so.
So 7 things about me that you are yet to know? This was hard last time! hmmmm
1. I am really really afraid of using ouija boards! I got one when I was about 12 and had some really weird experiences with it. I believe that we got a demon to posses my friends hamster while using the board. We called for a random spirit and a woman responded. She detailed her name, age, and how she died (helicopter crash in Iraq) and we seen a news story the next day with all of the same details. There are too many stories to tell here, but I was so afraid that I hid it in the garage. I had nightmares of it glowing from in there and shaking and trying to get out of the box, so I had to confess to my grandparents that I had it and ask them to return it to the store.
2. I am 6' tall and have never played basketball. I get asked all of the time if I played in school. Nope. I am really good at getting things on top shelves for people though :)
3. I used to play the accordion in school. lol enough said
4. I absolutely HATE the cold. It affects my mood and I am very sensitive to cold weather. I equate being cold with suffering. I do not know how I have survived so many years through such bad winters and blizzards. Sometimes being cold makes me want to cry. I hate it so bad. I have IMMENSE gratitude for a heated house, a warm bed, and the absolute BEST Christmas gift I have ever received was an electric blanket!
5. I volunteered with a friend at a nursing home when I was 8 years old. We would go every weekday during the summer and we would call bingo for the residents, help them to and from meals, run the cash register in the gift store, and serve ice cream out of the ice cream shop. We would visit with them in their rooms and help keep people calm when they were waiting for nurses to get to them.. There was a 100 year old lady that used to fly planes and she had the most interesting stories!
Oddly enough, my paternal grandmother, who I had never met, worked as a nurse there. She recognized me from baby pictures that my Dad had, and she introduced herself by saying that she thought she was my Grandma. My maternal grandmother had just died the year before, and my initial reaction was that she was my Grandma reincarnated! Talk about a strange encounter! She reintroduced me to my BD (biological Dad) and although it never materialized into a relationship with any meaning, it did give me the opportunity to meet my half brother who was born a short time later.
6. I have a half sister from my BD that I never got to meet. She was 2 years older than me and she was a legitimate child of my BD's first marriage. She committed suicide and didn't want my father notified. She had her body donated to science, and so there was no service or burial. I didn't find out until several years after she had died, when me and my little brother were trying to find her.
7. I cannot eat anything that has any type of honey in it. It makes me very sick. It is an uncommon side effect of my Weight Loss Surgery. You would be surprised how many things you would not suspect have honey in them!
Now for the fun part! I get to pass this award along! I am pretty sure most of the people that originally come to mind, already have this award, I am going to try to diligently give this to new and deserving candidates!
1. Lori at My Life Interrupted- This is one strong Mama! She is raising her step daughter's children and she is the center of strength in a beautiful family! Please stop by her blog! She has a heart of gold and shares the most touching experiences. This is as real as it gets!
2. Barbara at Recovery Happens- She is a very special woman and friend. A kindred spirit. I feel like I have known her forever! Recovery Happens is a very powerful blog filled with her personal thoughts on the recovery process that her sons are facing, battling heroin addiction. Despite all of her own struggles, she is one of the most compassionate people I think I have ever experienced.
3. Shattered at Shattered into One Piece- I think she does a much better job of summing up herself than I could ever attempt. From her profile, "You could call me shattered. I'm a wife, mother, step-mother, misplaced daughter, confused religious person, and an abuse survivor. My life has been painful and hell, my life is still painful; probably more so now than ever before. I see my therapist on at least a weekly basis so writing here is part of my process. I'm learning to feel and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, next to surviving. I'm a funny person but it's a dark, wicked kind of funny. I find humor in odd things, in my misfortunes, in my struggles, and in how others relate to me. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and I hope that this blog will bring a down to earth awareness to the lasting scars that abuse can cause."
This blog is so real and heartfelt, it really gets to me at my core. Her honesty brings light to issues many people look away from and she is facing them with bravery and conquering her past, emerging into the present stronger and more beautiful every day. Please stop by her blog and see the power in her words for yourself.
4. Lorenza at Pure Energy- Lorenza is like a breath of fresh air! Her experiences are heart warming and the way in which she shares her experiences in her life's journey, simply make you feel like you are sitting there with her, sipping a cozy warm beverage, basking in the radiant energy that is her way. She writes in English, not her native language, but her glorious Italian roots shine through! I just can't get enough.
5. LisaC at Loving an Addict- Lisa is a mother in the recovery process of parenting an addict child, valiantly facing her own codependent behaviors, coming out victoriously. She shares her experiences with the openness and honesty of a mother truly divided by her son's addiction and her innate love as his mother. She is an integral part of my own blogging support system, full of insight and benevolence. She helps me in my own journey as a recovering addict and as a parent. Both her blog and her comments reflect her kind spirit and her personal growth. She is an inspiration to me.
I know I am supposed to pass this on to 7 bloggers, but both my own time constraints (its homework time for 2 and dinner time for 5 hungry people!) and the fact that most of you have this award already, have left me to compromise on 5.
Thanks again Gavin and Jennifer!
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