Tuesday, May 10, 2011
100th Post hijack!!!
I interrupt the regularly scheduled (and late again because now I am sick) Day of Truth post, with this announcement from ME!
THIS IS MY 100th POST!!!!!
I started this blog back in August of '09. I can't believe it has been almost 2 years. This blog really came to life in the beginning. Like anything that I do, I usually do it to death right away. I networked like crazy and found myself in a community of parents who blogged about their struggles parenting addicts. I was somewhere in between- a recovering addict and a parent concerned about my son. I am still in that place. The good news is that I have not relapsed on meth and that my son has not tried anything more than marijuana. We both have a lot of work to do to stay on the right path. It is not easy.
My life got so busy that I stopped coming here. My relationships with different parents and bloggers shifted. I had new concerns come up and I put me on the back burner. My conscious mind KNOWS that if I want to be any good to other people, that I need to take care of myself. My heart jumps into action, trying to protect the people I care about, to a fault.
I am having new a different struggles. Learning to live without abusing alcohol has been hard. There was a sort of defiant triumph that I used to feel in going to the liquor store. The "haha this is legal, social services you can't touch me" followed by the escape into the world of my emotions. Only when the liquor poured did my emotions come out. I felt this arrogant and imagined strength in how much liquor tolerance I had. "Shots Bitches" was my mantra and I was always pushing people to get as drunk as me.
It all seems pretty disgusting in hindsight, and it is sad to watch the same people I used to be around who still live the same way. I know that some people think I am judgemnetal and think I am some better person because I don't drink like I used to. I didn't make the choice for or because of them. My health, both mental and physical, was deteriorating. I had many trips to the ER for severe stomach pain and the last two were by ambulance and were the scariest. My liver enzymes were high and the last ER nurse treated me like shit. They didn't even try to see why I was hurting, just told me my blood alcohol level was extremely high, mentioned I should quit drinking, pumped me full of diluadid and released me. I felt sooooo worthless. I still drink a little on social occasions, and am so happy that I don't drink every day.
I haven't found my worth yet. I just started giving myself permission to work on me. I am getting to know myself without alcohol. I have said for some time that I have managed my bi-polar without meds for many years. I am starting to wonder if I have been mismanaging it. During those 10 or so years with no psych meds, I have been on a roller coaster that involved meth, alcohol, complete sobriety, and emotional shutdown. That isn't quite my idea of managed.
I have also immersed myself in my 13 year old son's life, advocating that his mental health be taken seriously. He has been hospitalized twice since October and is struggling with severe anxiety, paranoia, and some psychosis. I refuse to let him fall through the cracks of the school or mental health system.
I am very excited that my life has turned the page and I am excited to begin writing, both literally, and figuratively, a new page.