Monday, May 2, 2011

30 Days of Truth- Day 01 - Something you hate about yourself.

I do not live enough of my life for me.

I spend a lot of time suffering in silence... wishing for more "me" time... wishing I had an identity that was more my own. I have too much empathy and put myself in other people's shoes all the time. Then I take a step further and think it is my responsibility to keep everyone happy.  Yes, part of it is just what mothers do, but for me it is far far far outside of the norm.

I don't know what music I like anymore because there is always someone else around who just has to hear their music. I don't know what my fashion style is because I rarely buy myself clothes. I haven't had a haircut in years and I color my own hair. I haven't decorated a room in my house or bought anything for my Unicorn collection in MANY years. You get the idea? The worst part is that I haven't had any personal goals, in at least 3 years, because I was too busy helping everyone create and accomplish their goals.

I became self-reliant to a fault and stopped needing people. I started over extending myself out of guilt. I created a monster because now all of my closest relationships are one-way streets. I have a few friends that  wouldn't let me just give, and I hope they know who they are, because they have saved me from myself on several occasions.

I don't understand why it is that when things spiral out of control, they always spiral downhill at a really fast pace, but getting them in control is a long, slow, uphill battle. I am now in a position of taking back things that were mine to begin with, that I freely gave away without knowing better, and it is upsetting the people closest to me, because they are so used to me taking care of me AND them. I am having to face rejection when I ask for something I deserve, but I can't let that pain force me back into taking care of everyone all the time, and I hate it.


1 comment:

  1. I can see this about you and am much the same way but without the kids, husband or extended family. So yeah, I have a lot more time to myself physcially but I give of myself emotionally and then am left feeling depleted and don't take care of me. Trying to cut back causes guilt because others are used to me being there for them. I WANT to be there for them.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I hate that you are in this situation and know how hard it is to get out of. I wish I had words of wisdom, all I have to offer is empathy.