Wednesday, May 4, 2011
30 Days of Truth - Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I need to forgive myself for getting into a position where Child Protective Services removed my children from my care.
I made a lot of mistakes. The progression from abusing pain medications, to using some speed at the bar on weekends, to smoking ice (meth), was not intentional or deliberate. No one sits around pondering their life and says, "Yep I want to be an addict."
What was intentional and deliberate were the small daily choices that were not compatible with parenting. A lot of the things that my using led to are actually quite normal in a lot of functional, non addict, households... but they were abnormal for me. Some of the things were not okay now, or ever, for any child, such as exposing them to the drug itself.
The biggest regret I have is knowing now just how much of the drug I may have actually exposed my children to. We smoked it, and I didn't know that the smoke left a residue on everything it touched. I thought that because we always locked the kids out of the room, or waited until they were asleep, and always aired out the room before they came in, that it was fine.
I have so much guilt for it all, and it spills over into so many ridiculous parts of my life. It has been 5 years and yet the guilt is still as fresh as if they just came home yesterday.
I stopped using the day I was arrested and they were taken. I went from strung out, homeless, and broke to being totally clean, having a home and a car, with my children in it, in 6 months. I have never once relapsed. I have so many affirmations, but I just can't seem to let go of the guilt.
Their are some a$$hole people in my life who like to remind me of all my faults and give me no credit at all. I need to chose very carefully who I keep around me and my children. I need to forgive myself and move on, so that I can be the best parent I can be. I have a lot to be thankful for and people who love me and encourage me instead of bringing me down, now I just need to quit bringing myself down.
"I forgive myself for all of the mistakes I have made and am letting go and moving forward as of today, Wednesday, May 04, 2011"