Saturday, May 14, 2011

30 Days of Truth - Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.




Oh the scores of people I could choose for this topic! It is quite sickening when I think about it. There are the 2 exes who were pretty bad. One was a cheater, and closet drug user. The other one was a lying stealing bum who went so low as to steal from my son's piggy bank. The thing is, I have to take a lot of the responsibility for allowing them in my life for so long. Oh the days of low self esteem and worthlessness where there was nothing that some good sex couldn't fix.

There is one person, who was in a much higher position of trust, that I find most deserving of this post. As a disclaimer, because I know that I have friends and family that read this: I write this blog for my own reasons, none of which are intended to offend, but these words are my truths, the way I see things through my eyes. That being said:

Someone who made my life hell, or treated me like shit, is my step-grandma.

I could never summarize all of the wrongs I witnessed or experienced, because they took place slowly and continuously over 13 or so years. Religion had a funny way of excusing away inexcusable behaviors. A lot of the things that happened, took place while I was still a child with some blissful ignorance.

I am not writing this to slander anyone, but this is a writing challenge of truth. I am still working on forgiveness. My grandma may have gotten all the material things she wanted, and I hope it was worth it. She may have every penny my grandpa had left to his name. She has the house that I grew up in, long before she came into the picture, and the life insurance that was *changed* shortly before his death, but she doesn't have the memories that I do. She always chose working over family, and so most of my fondest memories include my grandpa and my children. She sacrificed close relationships with her own biological children, in the pursuit of the mighty dollar. She worked evenings, graveyards, two jobs, holidays- whatever she could, and forgot to make time for loved ones.

When my grandpa passed away, I longed for her approval. She was the last close adult I had around, and despite everything, I just wanted to be good enough. I never was. I went out too much, slept too much, disciplined my kids wrong. She was quick to judge, but always hesitant to help. The last straw, and most hurtful one, is when she made me and my kids move out of what used to be our home, my grandpa's home, and gave me a week's notice when I had just had a major major surgery. Things have never quite recovered. I am working on forgiveness.

I went in "the house" about a week ago to get something that I had left from when we moved out about 6 years ago. The basement has stayed virtually the same. My little one, started running around and exploring and making herself at home. Oh how it made me long for the time when I was living in the house. I thought I would have a panic attack, but instead I felt very at peace. I hadn't been in there since I had to break in after she changed the locks before we were fully moved out, and she was trying to keep me from getting some sentimental things of my grandpas. I know it was a bad call on my part, breaking in 6 years ago, but I knew my kids deserved some of my grandpa's pictures.

We are civil now and she almost makes me think she cares, but I have to look at the past and remember and ask myself how she could put us through that. I have to keep boundaries so that my children won't get hurt like I have.  I will probably always mourn my grandpa's house. The dreams I had of fixing it up and raising my own children in it are dead. I was actually naive enough to think that she would want to be close to us after my Grandpa passed, and that we would all still live together, and I would be helping to take care of her by now.

I guess the physical house itself is what she wanted. Its okay because I have all of the great memories made in that house, and they are what is important. I mourn the memories not made, and the closeness and relationship that could have happened, much the same way I mourn the loss of my grandma and grandpa, but it is what it is.




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